Melbourne Test 2010-11 December 26, 2010

The wreck of the good ship Oz

In which Tyers cackles and Kimber washes his hands off his side

Alan has won the toss and is delighted to speak first, on the inevitable subject of the hilarity / horror that is the Australian cricket side.

Alan Tyers writes I am not normally one to kick a man when he is down, but let’s be reasonable, this is the Ashes. Having grown up watching my cricket team on the other end of the sort of punishment suffered by the Australians during day one of the Melbourne Test, I can sympathise with the Aussie fans. Well, “sympathise” is not quite the right word. “Laugh at” would be more accurate.

Little Stevie Smith, Test batsman / bowler (to be confirmed later). The Artist Formerly Known As Ricky Ponting. Shane “Dropped Twice On Zero” Watson. Phil “The Technician” Hughes. Michael Freaking Clarke. All came and went in the twinkling of an eye, hanging around just long enough to show us how terrible their techniques were against the moving ball. England were very good but no more. We have Australia to thank for this day of days.

For, truly, that was as brutally one-sided as Test cricket ever gets. If it was a boxing match, the ref would have stopped it hours before the end. If it was a boxing match, the baggy green palooka would never get a licence to fight again, and there would be questions asked in the House about barbarism in the name of entertainment. Now Australia have to drag their sorry ass off the canvas and somehow try to get back into it on day two. No, I don’t see how, either.

Jarrod Kimber writes Australian cricket is sick. I’m not going to waste my time getting involved in sardonic little games with Alan, making easy jokes about Steve Smith’s imitation technique or Ricky Ponting’s pinky problem. This is serious. Australian cricket is sicker than George Burns. Physically it’s falling apart, it’s coughing up blood, has brain juice running out of its ear, and is twitching like a cat that just got run over.

The selectors are working off the PCB handbook, the marketing department thinks 17 is its lucky number, the top order never showed up, the bowlers looked tired before they started, and the fielding coach is part-time. Australia are allowed to play bad - teams do that. They aren’t allowed to be behind on one day of cricket after winning the last Test. That is schizophrenic.

Someone struggling from schizophrenia needs professional help. Counsellors, drugs, electric paddles, fielding coaches, less Greg Chappell. Anything. There is a problem, and if the million mental-health ads I’ve seen over the years have told me anything, it’s that only through professional help do you get any better.

Alan replies The patient does certainly seem to be struggling, and it is pitiful to see this once mighty lion of sport brought so low, reduced to a shell of its former rude health. I’ve heard of this wonderful clinic, in Switzerland - apparently they are terribly good there, and they might have just the thing for the Ponting era. It’s called Dignitas. Do give them a call.

Jarrod replies It should also be pointed out that today Ryan Harris played his best innings in the Ashes so far. The media can be narrow-sighted on days like this. Sometimes they miss the human-interest story.

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • krishna puchhadiya on December 28, 2010, 6:59 GMT

    Ponting have to retire, and captan should be cameron white not clarck.

  • Robin on December 28, 2010, 6:26 GMT

    Greg Chappell, please continue with Australian cricket & stay on. What you had done for Indian cricket during your time as Indian Coach was very evident. Australian cricket are going down a slippery slope and only Greg.C can mange to keep it that way. Well done.

  • Andrew on December 28, 2010, 1:24 GMT

    Could Hauritz have batted worse than Smith? Forget the big gap in their bowling ability for a moment - Hauritz has been one of the form batsmen in the Shield this year.

    When AUS capitulate for 300, drawing headlines about a "brave fightback" from people happy to see a 3 figure score but still 300 short of a competitive total, what happens next match? It breaks my heart, but Ponting will go out as a laughing stock and we should blood at least 5 players for the dead rubber starting with Khawaja at #3. We can't go on like this with no top order for the next 5 years.

  • HG on December 27, 2010, 8:41 GMT

    Jarrod's comments "Physically it’s falling apart, it’s coughing up blood, has brain juice running out of its ear, and is twitching like a cat that just got run over" are masterpiece a true replica of Australian disaster

  • PW on December 27, 2010, 7:16 GMT

    Australia batted poorly. It is true. It is also true that England were bowled out for 187 and 123 in Perth. Australia may still save this Test. All is not yet lost.

  • krishna puchhadiya on December 28, 2010, 6:59 GMT

    Ponting have to retire, and captan should be cameron white not clarck.

  • Robin on December 28, 2010, 6:26 GMT

    Greg Chappell, please continue with Australian cricket & stay on. What you had done for Indian cricket during your time as Indian Coach was very evident. Australian cricket are going down a slippery slope and only Greg.C can mange to keep it that way. Well done.

  • Andrew on December 28, 2010, 1:24 GMT

    Could Hauritz have batted worse than Smith? Forget the big gap in their bowling ability for a moment - Hauritz has been one of the form batsmen in the Shield this year.

    When AUS capitulate for 300, drawing headlines about a "brave fightback" from people happy to see a 3 figure score but still 300 short of a competitive total, what happens next match? It breaks my heart, but Ponting will go out as a laughing stock and we should blood at least 5 players for the dead rubber starting with Khawaja at #3. We can't go on like this with no top order for the next 5 years.

  • HG on December 27, 2010, 8:41 GMT

    Jarrod's comments "Physically it’s falling apart, it’s coughing up blood, has brain juice running out of its ear, and is twitching like a cat that just got run over" are masterpiece a true replica of Australian disaster

  • PW on December 27, 2010, 7:16 GMT

    Australia batted poorly. It is true. It is also true that England were bowled out for 187 and 123 in Perth. Australia may still save this Test. All is not yet lost.

  • No featured comments at the moment.

  • PW on December 27, 2010, 7:16 GMT

    Australia batted poorly. It is true. It is also true that England were bowled out for 187 and 123 in Perth. Australia may still save this Test. All is not yet lost.

  • HG on December 27, 2010, 8:41 GMT

    Jarrod's comments "Physically it’s falling apart, it’s coughing up blood, has brain juice running out of its ear, and is twitching like a cat that just got run over" are masterpiece a true replica of Australian disaster

  • Andrew on December 28, 2010, 1:24 GMT

    Could Hauritz have batted worse than Smith? Forget the big gap in their bowling ability for a moment - Hauritz has been one of the form batsmen in the Shield this year.

    When AUS capitulate for 300, drawing headlines about a "brave fightback" from people happy to see a 3 figure score but still 300 short of a competitive total, what happens next match? It breaks my heart, but Ponting will go out as a laughing stock and we should blood at least 5 players for the dead rubber starting with Khawaja at #3. We can't go on like this with no top order for the next 5 years.

  • Robin on December 28, 2010, 6:26 GMT

    Greg Chappell, please continue with Australian cricket & stay on. What you had done for Indian cricket during your time as Indian Coach was very evident. Australian cricket are going down a slippery slope and only Greg.C can mange to keep it that way. Well done.

  • krishna puchhadiya on December 28, 2010, 6:59 GMT

    Ponting have to retire, and captan should be cameron white not clarck.