January 7, 2011

Sydney Test 2010-11

Oz lost? Sez who?

Alan Tyers and Jarrod Kimber

In our final post, Jarrod has won the toss and will write first.

Michael Clarke and the Australians cast their eyes to the ground, Australia v England, 5th Test, Sydney, 5th day, January 7, 2011
Rendering yeoman service in the cause of helping Englishmen regain their self-respect  © Getty Images
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Jarrod Kimber says I was in the wrong place today, stuck in the bowels of the SCG Brewongle press overflow room. I could only think of Alan. Alan’s whole personality is defined by Ashes defeats, and with 12 seconds at the ground in the morning he could have been transformed. I’ve now been at the ground when England has won the last two Ashes, and if Australia lose the next four I’m sure I’ll know why Alan is the man he is.

England were the better team, although it should be mentioned that without Australia changing the sport by adding professionalism, England wouldn’t have won. So even though England won the Ashes again, it is worth pointing it out that they did it in a cold-hearted, Australian, Bobby Simpson-coached way. So Australia still won.

Alan Tyers says It goes against the grain, but I agree with a fair bit of what Jarrod says. The personality of the English cricket fan has indeed been shaped by horrific Ashes defeat after horrific Ashes defeat. Does this series make up for Border and Waugh at Headingley in 1993, for Phil DeFreitas’s long hop, for Steve Harmison’s second slip wide, for Adelaide 2006?

Not yet. But we are on our way. With time, and the support of the Australian cricket team being so totally hopeless, we can learn to forget the past. We step forward into a new era where England are confident, competent and in control. We thank our Australian friends for teaching us how to win, and we look forward to passing on some tips of how to shiver in misery through an era of defeat and self-loathing.

Jarrod replies Considering how rubbish Australia have been in this series, I'll let Alan go out with an innings defeat of his own.

Alan replies Three innings victories, surely? Sweeter even than that, though, is the spectacle of Australian cricket turning on itself. Shane Warne has a blueprint, we read. I remember England’s many blueprints, our new dawns, multiple captains, faux allrounders, vicious press, injured bowlers and nerve-shot batsmen. Jarrod has a long road ahead. I will be only too glad to offer some pointers.

Ashes, 1896 style, in Alan’s W.G. Grace Ate My Pedalo
Ashes, 2009 style, in Jarrod’s When Freddie Became Jesus

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