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When Jesse Ryder wasn't challenging Freddie Flintoff to a boxing duel, he was trying to bring peace and love to the world this week with a 62 off 37 balls. But the world wouldn't have it. And instead of enjoying everything that comes from a Jesse magic session, some idiots started a rumour that Rangana Herath and Chaminda Vaas had died in a car crash in Sydney.
Now I know Herath is not dead because I am watching him bowl right now. And while I am always hoping that one day an army of undead, slow-bowling zombies takes over the world, Herath and his seductive spinner's hips are clearly very much alive. The bright minds behind this prank didn't check to see whether Chaminda Vaas was actually in Sydney before claiming he was involved. As idiotic fake death rumours go, this one was as embarrassing as Ed Cowan's run out.
Unfortunately other people died for real.
The cricket media read more like an obituary section: Legendary, gentlemanly cricket commentator and writer Christopher Martin-Jenkins; cricketer, commentator, salesman and Sri Lanka Tourism spokesman Tony Greig; Western Province legspinner John Commins; and organising secretary of the Vizianagaram District Cricket Association P. Appala Raju. All men of cricket, who will be missed by the game, their family and friends.
Yet, cricket goes on. Although in South Africa, it doesn't go on for as long as it should. Forty-five: it's an age not a batting total.
Poor Prince Brendon McCullum, his first Test as captain was always going to be hard, the media and fans waiting to put the boot in as an undermanned team played the world's best away from home.
But 45 runs in your first innings? That's not a Test Match score. That's just harsh. If you type "New Zealand" into Google on the right kind of day, it autofills to "New Zealand Cricket's lowest totals". Well, it should.
In 1946 New Zealand made 42 and 54 in a Test at the Basin (which is currently fighting for its future ). Australia refused to play them in an official Test for almost 30 years because of that. It seems that South Africa are yet to make that decision.
Australia are currently trying to give Mike Hussey a better send-off than they gave Ricky Ponting. That was made easier as Herath, although presumed dead, is the only player not injured at the moment. Shaminda Eranga is the latest cricketer to be punished for playing soccer. This will please those who believe any physical activity that is not cricket based is evil and must be stopped.
Some people might be saying the same thing of Ravi Jadeja's twitter feed after he put a sweary threatening direct message in the inbox of @TanujVirani who had been abusing him on twitter. Now if it's ok for @TanujVirani to tweet abuse at Ravi, it should be ok for Ravi to do the same back. Except, it isn't, because you can't go swearing in a threatening way on twitter when you're a famous person. You're supposed to rise above the hate and lay in your bathtub of money. Jadeja didn't do that. Considering that Jadeja gets so much abuse on twitter, and that he also has his restaurant to look after, he's going to have to spend all his free time abusing people who have trolled him on twitter.
Instead, Ravi should be trying to work out how to get out Nasir Jamshed. Although, that's a trick, isn't it, because you can't work out the Jamshed, you just have to sit back and wait for him to get bored of beating you. That's exactly what he did to India in this series, he beat them.
His teammates must love him. Not only did he provide a victory over the arch enemy on their own dirt, he has provided each and every player with their own camel. CAMEL.
According to PakPassion: "The Provincial Minister of Food in Balochistan - Haji Ali Madad Jattak - has announced a unique award for the players in the Pakistani cricket team who were successful in winning the 3 match ODI series in India. The member of the ruling Pakistani Peoples Party (PPP) has announced that each player will receive their very own camel worth Pakistani Rupees 3-4 lakh (about $3,000).
The camel is considered to be quite prestigious in the province of Balochistan - thus the minister chose this as his way to express his appreciation for the team's efforts."
Do you know what else is prestigious, an actual payment of $3,000. A camel is also a silly animal for an ODI series. A camel is a Test gift, they're a longevity animal. They should have got greyhounds.
It's not all camels for Pakistani cricketers, Javed Miandad, who you might presume to be a known non-threat, pulled out of travelling to India after his visa was vociferiously opposed by people angry because his son is married to the daughter of an underworld don.
It sounds like I've made up the last two stories, doesn't it?
In more credible news, Roger Wensley was made captain of the Devon Over 50s cricket team. According to the Exmouth Journal, Wensley is an early-order batsman with a reputation for being difficult to dismiss. One of his main jobs is to find some players. 'My message to them is get in touch and when we start indoor nets in March or April, come along."
In slightly less professional cricket, USACA have decided on their new CEO, Darren Beazley, the former general manager of business development with the WACA. It again illustrates that no matter what job in cricket administration you need filled you can find an Aussie you've never heard of to fill it.
New South Wales and Australia administrators this week decided to let Brett Lee off without a fine. Cricket NSW reported Lee to Cricket Australia for alleged code of conduct breaches after he depicted Anthony Stuart, sacked as NSW coach, as a scapegoat for others' failings, notably Cricket NSW boss Dave Gilbert.
In their words, "Cricket New South Wales confirms that the conduct charges against Brett Lee have been withdrawn. Both parties acknowledge that there is a code of conduct in place and to which all contracted players must adhere."
Lee is being silenced publicly, but they'll still have to stop him complaining privately as they've invited him onto a sub-committee looking at the future of New South Wales. Of course, they could have done that before they made a far bigger story out of this by trying to fine him under their ridiculous code of conduct breach. It's not even like Brett Lee is a real Cricket Australia cricketer, he's only playing in the Big Bash.
The Big Bash provided some magic cricket this week when Scott Coyte provided a 12-ball over. The over (wide, no ball, 4, dot, wide, 1, wide, wide, 1, wide, dot, dot) went for 12 runs. The second-last ball of Coyte's opus was a shout for lbw against Shaun Marsh, who was probably tired of having to face so many balls in the over. For some, they'll see this over as a failure, but I see it as very economical. Coyte went at a run a ball, which is a success in T20.
It was his only over that night, and his side lost.
The Big Bash League has eight teams. Two of their teams are currently based in Melbourne. The ladder has these two teams at number one and number three.
If you've got anything you think should be in next week's cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. If you want to send me a camel, feel free, I am partial to the breed Kachchhi.
© ESPN EMEA Ltd.
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