|Photos||Video & Audio||Blogs||Statistics||Archive||Games||Mobile|
"Ireland is ready for Test cricket." Big call, Warren, big call.
The women of Ireland gave their take on the matter on primetime Saturday night television. The show? Take Me Out. If you haven't seen it, or one of its many incarnations, you must be the one lucky soul to have escaped the Saturday night reality TV vortex. If you are that soul (and oh how I envy you) allow me to bring you up to speed.
Thirty Women. One man. Finally the odds are stacked in our favour. One brave man is confronted with 30 women over a series of brief rounds. At the end of each round, the ladies indicate whether they are still interested in the dapper young conquistador. They do this through the use of a light; if they are besotted the light stays on, if they are repulsed the light goes off. Once all the rounds are complete, he gets his pick of the remaining lovelies to take on a lavish weekend of sun, romance and … well the cameras tend to stop rolling at a certain point.
So, in summary, if you are a man and you fail to pull on this show you may as well put all ambitions for procreation to one side and focus on a career as a monk. Especially as all the girls are single. And, not to put too fine a point on it, desperate. And, above all, they can think of nothing they would rather do than parade their skimpies in front of a camera for a whole weekend. Who knows what glamour-modeling agents could be watching after all?
Enter Our Hero.
Round one: It all starts swimmingly; Our Hero enters the studio brimming with confidence. His dashing looks and easy manner prove an instant hit with the bevvy of lovelies and by the end of his walkabout many of them are salivating at the prospect of a weekend away with him.
Round two: A quick little video introduction of Our Hero and some light banter with the show's host throws a few girls off the scent, but at least as many appear quite hot under the collar from Our Hero's undeniable charm
Round three: If you are of a squeamish disposition stop reading now. Still with me? Okay, take a deep breath and on we go! Round three is the talent round. You know the drill, don't pretend you haven't seen Miss World. Our Hero looks a little tense before embarking on this round, as if he has an inclination of the horrors ahead. He steps away and then reappears clad in (you may have guessed this) full cricket whites, pads and wielding a sturdy bat. What follows is an absolutely astounding array of flicks and tricks with bat and ball. I was on the edge of my seat, blown away by Our Hero's skill and (far more importantly) desperately hoping he's not in my league for the forthcoming season. Suffice to say, if I were that way inclined, I would have whisked him off for a desert island net session in a second.
Incredibly, the young ladies took a different view. A quick camera roll call revealed bemusement, bafflement and embarrassment in equal measure. Every one of the girls instantly flicked off her light; presenting Our Hero with the dreaded so-called "blackout" and ritual audience humiliation.
So Warren, take note. The women of Ireland have spoken.
Although, let's be honest, none of us really got into cricket to impress the girls did we?
Michel van Oorschot has played club cricket in Oman, Holland, Scotland and Ireland. he tweets hereFeeds: Michel van Oorschot
© ESPN EMEA Ltd.
|Comments have now been closed for this article
Michel van Oorschot
Michel van Oorschot is 6'5" tall, broad-shouldered and blessed with a posterior you could park a bus on - all the ingredients for a long-standing international career as a fast bowler, bar one, courtesy a cruel twist of fate: a chronic lack of talent. Ever cunning, he has played club cricket in Oman, Holland, Scotland and - most recently - with Malahide CC in Ireland in an attempt to identify pockets of cricketing weakness where his unique blend of long hops and half volleys can flourish. The search continues. @MichelvOo