April 20, 2013

Agony Aunt

What Ponting and Tendulkar talk about

Trish Plunket
Ricky Ponting discusses with Sachin Tendulkar after he was dismissed leg before, Chennai Super Kings v Mumbai Indians, IPL, Chennai, April 6, 2013
"What do you mean 'What's a torrent?' When were you born?"  © BCCI
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I'm the new guy in an IPL team full of big names and big bucks. How do I try to fit in? asks Wanna B
Fitting in is a subtle art, and trying too hard is a surefire way to not be successful. Having spent most of my teenage years trying to fit in and abjectly failing, I have become somewhat of an expert at this.

If there's a player with a particularly large ego (you'll have plenty to choose from) and he bowls or bats a bit like you, start making noises about how you look up to him and consider him a bit of a mentor. Here sensing an opportunity to bore you witless pass on his knowledge, the senior player will take you under his wing and you will find yourself, if not an equal member of the in crowd, at least tolerated like a cool younger sibling.

If that doesn't work, stick up your nose and declare your team-mates aren't that cool anyway and you like having a life outside cricket.

What do you think Ricky Ponting and Sachin Tendulkar sit and chat about in the Mumbai Indians dressing room and when they are out batting together? asks President, Pondulkar Fan Club
I like to think that Sachin and Ricky are basically the cricket version of Statler and Waldorf, the two elderly hecklers on The Muppet Show. They sit in the changing sheds and are relentlessly sarcastic about their younger team-mates' hairstyles, batting abilities, and the IPL in general. All with a heap of "It wasn't like this in our day!"

Ricky: Wake up, you old fool. You slept through the game!
Sachin: Who's a fool? You watched it.

Sachin: They aren't half bad.
Ricky: Nope, they're all bad!

On field, I think, each points out bowling and fielding changes the other has already noticed, but neither says anything about it, thinking that the other "is getting on a bit".

In reality they probably talk about exotic holidays, golf, where to live-stream Game of Thrones from, and a lot about past series between Australia and India. While batting, they probably encourage one another in respectful and appropriate ways. But that's just boring, isn't it?

I am a cheerleader who'd like to take part in the IPL. Do I need to know the rules of cricket to apply? asks Jumpy Sue
No. As it is, you will just have to get up and wiggle at almost completely random intervals, distracting people from the cricket, because apparently even T20 isn't entertaining enough without scantily clad women to look at. No real cricket knowledge is required. Try to know enough not to flirt with the players by accident, though. They'd probably take you up on it.

I'd like to have a signature dance move on the cricket field, like Chris Gayle did with "Gangnam Style". Can you give me some tips? asks Sing-Sing
Before I advise you on dance moves, let me ask you two questions.

Are you generally considered cool?
Are you a white guy?

If you are both uncool and a white guy, stay far far away from publicly getting your groove on. No matter if you have PSY himself come teach you how to dance, you will still look stupid. (See: drunken uncles at every wedding ever.)

Chris Gayle gets away with on-field dance moves by being a phenomenally talented and cool dude from the West Indies. Everything he does is by default 500% cooler than if, say, Michael Clarke did it.

But if you are determined to start a dance trend, look for 2013's breakaway non-English pop hit. There are always grooves that go along with it - "The Macarena", Las Ketchup, and even "Gangnam Style" fall into this category.

If you're Asian, I have one word for you: Bollywood. Take your inspiration from there. If you can organise your team to spontaneously break out into a choreographed musical number, you will win best on-field celebration. Forever.

Leave your questions in the comments below

Trish Plunket is a grumpy old man. Except she's not old. Or a man

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© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Posted by anton_ego on (April 23, 2013, 8:23 GMT)

If you go to an IPL match, what should you do catch the attention of the cameramen to be displayed in the giant screen?

Posted by Insult_2_Injury on (April 22, 2013, 5:57 GMT)

What Ponting & Tendulkar talk about on the ground? Oh, I see, you mean when they're fielding. It's obvious during their batting partnerships they only had time to work out who'd face the first ball, then a quick nod goodbye as one or the other went back to the dugout!

Posted by SRRY on (April 21, 2013, 4:31 GMT)

Who is the most sought after, most feared, most talked about batter in this IPL ? - The answer - Chris Gayle.

Who is the unfittest player everyone overlooks ? Can't run, can't stand properly, can't dive gracefully, can't move legantly, cant even dance anymore - only possesses the broadest and the most disarming smile ever. The answer - Chris Gayle.

Posted by Johnny_129 on (April 21, 2013, 3:56 GMT)

What do Dhoni and Jadeja chat about when they are alone in the dressing room!?

Posted by Tal_Botvinnik on (April 20, 2013, 12:06 GMT)

What dis V Kohli and Gautham Gambhir chat during their epic encounter in the field?

Posted by boilabc12 on (April 20, 2013, 11:43 GMT)

Uh, the answer to the last "question" seems to be a bit racist. Taking digs at people and events is okay as long as it doesn't degrade human dignity. This could be deemed offensive by people who are white.

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