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England's Council of United Newspapers and Television has today issued a statement saying that "our members have voted to take a keen interest in the IPL in the light of the recent alleged spot-fixing crisis".
The official policy of the council had previously been one of "institutionalised indifference" to the "noisy and vulgar" sideshow conducted in India each April and May. After the tournament's inception in 2008, members had voted to produce one article per season dismissing the cricket on offer as sub-par. Features departments had agreed to commission an annual "sideways look" at the match-day experience, with the industry-standard conclusion: "It is silly and shallow - although I would enjoy having intercourse with one of those cheerleaders."
However, with evidence now emerging to suggest that the IPL is suffering from a serious corruption problem, Council of United Newspapers and Television editors are "keen to really focus some attention on the whole rat's nest".
One editor, speaking anonymously, said: "Obviously we had long suspected that it must all be fixed - I mean, just look at the personalities involved in running it - but now we can actually start sticking the boot in, it becomes a much more attractive story for us."
With senior cricket columnists and opinion formers previously unwilling to engage with the IPL other than to blame it for modern ills ranging from "poor batting techniques" to "the current malaise of Test cricket" as well as "global warming" and "the really annoying way cling-film sticks to itself when you're trying to cover a dish", the sudden upsurge in interest represents a major about-turn.
One veteran scribe noted: "Of course it gives me no satisfaction whatsoever to have been proved completely right about the whole sorry mess. The real tragedy is for cricket, or rather cricket as it ought to be played and appreciated, i.e. in the way that I say so."
Council of United Newspapers and Television guidelines over the correct articles for UK media to write about the IPL have now been updated to reflect the post-fixing landscape. Features already approved include, "I blame pop music and fizzy drinks for this disgrace", "To think of poor Dickie Bird still being alive to see this", the hard-hitting investigative report, "This is what happens when you let foreigners have a go at running things", and a special pullout simply entitled: "I told you so" are due for production from various outlets this week.
English cricket authorities confirmed that "this sort of thing could never happen here".
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
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Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.