How to deal with spot-fixing disillusionment
As a fan, the spot-fixing scandal has really disillusioned me (again). Should I stop watching cricket? Is there any form of the game I can watch without feeling suspicious? asks Fix Me A Drink
Am I the only one who hears "spot-fixing" and thinks of Shaun Tait doing the Lady Macbeth "Out damned spot!" routine?
I am? Well, anyway…
You possibly might be able to escape match-fixing scandals at your local Under-10s match, but you might have to look out for some shifty dads there.
Soon you might also be able to feel comfortable about watching one-day cricket, because soon no one will care about ODIs. Though if the IPL gets closed down people might start caring again, and then the fixings will start. Perhaps what should happen is the IPL is retained and becomes a tournament based on how efficiently teams manage to fix their matches. Cricket and spot-fixing are like cycling and drugs - everyone's doing it, why not make it legal?
If you go to an IPL match, what should you do to catch the attention of the cameramen so that you are shown on the giant screen?
Dress up. No matter what game, dress up. Or just get very close to naked and cover yourself in body paint. Hopefully you're in a warm climate.
If you like your clothes and don't think you have the body for painting, you might try kissing. Long, slobbery, obnoxious kissing is a really good way to get on the big screen so everyone can point and laugh. This becomes even more likely if you pick someone of your same gender to make out with.
Funny signs. Genuinely funny, properly spelled, classy looking - that's an excellent way of both getting on the big screen and showcasing your wit to a wider audience.
And if that all fails, sit next to a pretty girl in a singlet top. Cameramen always seem to like those.
What is this Champions Trophy I hear about occasionally? Is that something to do with cricket? asks ipl fan
It has something to do with a form of cricket that was very popular in the nineties. It's called "one-day" cricket, presumably because you are expected to sacrifice an entire day to go and watch it. It's a lot like T20, only, instead of 20 overs each team gets 50, which you'd think would make for more big hits, but tends to mean the batsmen get all silly and cautious.
This will be the last Champions Trophy, because the ICC has presumably realised the folly of having a tournament that is exactly like the World Cup except every other year.
So really IPL fan, the Champions Trophy is something you can safely ignore on the basis it will soon be forgotten like big hair, lipliner, and so many other dodgy things from the '90s.
David Warner lashed out at a couple of Australian journalists recently. What do you think he's so angry about? If I gifted him a puppy, will he kick it? asks gift giver
I immediately assumed that Warner had made the terrible mistake of drinking and tweeting (friends don't let friends drunk-post) but apparently he's off the drink in order to lose some weight.
So he's hungry. Fair enough, David, dieting is actually a recognised form of torture and back when I was silly enough to diet I got massively angry as well. This seems to be a frequent problem with young cricketers who may actually not know how to survive without someone cooking for them.
So I don't think he would kick the puppy - though he might try to eat it. A better present might be an apron and some cooking lessons.
Leave your questions in the comments below
Trish Plunket is a grumpy old man. Except she's not old. Or a man