How to become a cricket tragic
Should Ashton Agar be made to realise his role in preserving the future of Australian cricket and be instructed to start having babies on the double? asked Aussie apocalypse
I have my suspicions that Ashton Agar is already involved in some kind of plan to replicate Australian cricketers. Cos you know where you find agar? In petri dishes. Now I'm not saying that Ashton was grown in a lab with the express purpose of playing cricket and attempting to pull Australia out of their epic downward spiral, except that I'm totally saying it. You heard it here first.
As to whether he should be encouraged to create babies asap, there's something missing from this equation. Any baby conceived in the old-fashioned way can only have 50% of his genes. So either you'd have to pair him up with similarly talented women, or clone him. For the sake of the ladies (he's a funny-looking chap, let's just say it) I vote for cloning.
I am a pole-dancing teacher. How do you think I should convince international cricket teams that pole-gyrating should be on their fitness routine? asked Bendy Betty
I would show them videos of champion pole dancers who can literally look like they are swimming with no water. They float on their own epic core strength. To the ladies (and dudes, I know some dudes) who do that, you have my utmost respect. Mainly because you have a greater chance of becoming Batman than I do.
I'm not quite sure the exact benefits of obscene* core strength in cricket, but I'm sure there is some. Really, pole dancing is like any other form of gymnastics - practised by very intense people in tight clothing.
No matter how I try, I can't seem to get the hang of this review system. My team is equally clueless. How can I get what I want from the DRS? asked In a hot spot
Use of reviews. Turn away if you're Indian, because the BCCI hasn't figured out it's the 21st century yet.
First thing, make sure you keep a review handy so that if a particularly troubling tailender with a particularly poor grasp of sportsmanship is given not out in a particularly poor decision, you're not left shaking your fist wildly but ineffectually.
If one person seems to use the reviews a lot, and seems to be wrong just as many times, ban them from reviewing until their ego gets in check. WG is dead, no one can possibly be too awesome to be out.
Be thoughtful. Be composed. And for god's sake, when you use them all up on cushioning your ego, don't cry to the media when you don't have any left.
My team-mates make fun of me because I can't celebrate. The best I can do is clap and shake hands. Fist-pumping, roaring, leaping, dancing fill me with mortification. Help! said Jolly ol' chap
Is this really a problem, though? I'm sure there are many of the game's older pundits who think your lack of antics and your maintenance of proper standards of decorum is preserving the standards of this gentleman's game. Man love isn't for everyone (though it should be).
If it's fitting in with your team that you're worried about, just try clapping and shaking hands while grinning your biggest, most psychopathic grin - the kind that will haunt your team-mates while they sleep. Once they realise you can only get more terrifying as you get more joyful, they'll back off.
How does one qualify to become a cricket tragic? asked Happy camper
Ask yourself these questions: Have you ever felt personally victimised by the game of cricket? Has its very existence caused you emotional anguish? Have you sacrificed time, money, relationships, sleep and sanity to follow the exploits of your team around the globe? Have you been so obsessed that you dream about the game, plan your life around it, watch games on replay again and again, to the point where your Sky Plus is entirely full of cricket and you still have VHS tapes recorded last century? Has your team's dismal performances led to you trying to stop watching only to find out you can't? Have you developed a hard cynical shell as a coping mechanism to deal with the fact that you and cricket are in an abusive relationship you can't seem to leave?
Have you started writing a column pointing and laughing at the game in an attempt to pretend it doesn't control your life?
Really, when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, will you always come back to the game?
If the answer is yes, then you qualify as a cricket tragic, and you have my utmost sympathy.
*See what I did there?
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Trish Plunket is a grumpy old man. Except she's not old. Or a man