'Don't be a victim of things I do to survive!'
Sometimes I ask myself whether it's really worth poking fun at cricketers' use of punctuation in this column. I mean, what does anyone get out of it? It's Twitter. It's a carefree, disposable form of communication. What does it matter if someone makes a grammatical error? It's not like anyone's going to learn from that being flagged up in an irreverent social media round-up, is it?
Then I see an Australian cricketer needlessly include an apostrophe.
Brett Lee's trying to communicate with us.
"Good start by the Aussie's @CricketAus"
By the Aussie's what? And which Aussie?
Kevin Pietersen is happy to share his expert opinion on almost any subject.
Everything from social media
… to international current affairs
The third person
It's always a worrying sign when a sportsman starts referring to himself in the third person. Praveen Kumar's travelling along a dangerous road.
If you want to know where that road leads, look no further than Dwayne Bravo.
"Newbigdog is well rested an looking forward to CLT20"
Referring to yourself in the third person using a ludicrous nickname is your destination, Praveen.
Worcestershire's Aneesh Kapil has finally used his head and seen the light.
Where does Chamara Kapugedera get his hair cut?
"At #chopping block getting a new hair cut.."
Speaking of personal grooming, what's Ramnaresh Sarwan referring to here?
"Time to fix these nails up!"
Hopefully he's doing some DIY.
Shane Warne knows how you deal with pain.
Come now, I'm sure you'll be able to find someone willing to carry out such treatment for you.
Life with Kemar Roach
Kemar has some friendly advice for us this week.
"Don't Be A Victim Of Things I Do To Survive!"
It should be pretty easy to evade harm caused by his breathing or eating. Not sure what else he means. Sleeping maybe?
Presumably not then.
What's your philosophy?
Shaun Pollock seems livelier than normal.
That's not really an exclamation now, is it Shaun?
Steven Finn's been venturing into uncharted territory.
In case you're wondering, Mousse is a dog who has since been found. No word on the quality of the takeaway compared to eating in, however.
I get the feeling that not a week goes by without some cricketer or other whinging about jet lag, like travelling the world is some enormous hardship. Let's test that theory.
Exhibit one: Steven Smith
"I hate jet lag!"
Brace yourself for another exciting instalment in the next edition of The Fortnight on Twitter.
Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket