September 16, 2013

Indian players threaten to muse on world events

R Rajkumar
Darren Lehmann during a press conference, Bristol, June 24, 2013
"It was horrifying. No one punched anyone else at the end of the night"  © Getty Images
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Confused Lehmann sits Fawad down for a chat and a Coke
Darren Lehmann has been known for his old-fashioned way of doing things, including his much-publicised "beer-fuelled cricket chats" with players. In teetotalling Fawad Ahmed's case, however, the beverage of choice had to be a Coke, and the resulting meeting left Lehmann slightly nonplussed.

"I don't get it. By the second or third drink, we were still plainly lucid, and still talking about cricket instead of what would otherwise normally by then have been subjects ranging from the bartender's looks to what I had for breakfast that morning," moaned the coach. "I mean, we talked cricket for hours. I thought it would never end."

Lehmann complained that the session had left him feeling worse for wear, and that he woke up the next morning with a massive headache. "My wife made me promise never to drink soft drinks again," he said.

Fast bowler crashes after aeroplane celebration
Reports are coming in that a fast bowler has crashed back to earth soon after attempting an aeroplane impersonation in celebration of a wicket. News filtering in from the scene of the disaster indicates that the pilot of the attempted celebration was vastly inexperienced at it, having not had occasion to pick up too many wickets in his career. It was not immediately known whether there were any casualties apart from the departed batsman and the bowler's ego.

Eyewitnesses describe the bowler gaining speed upon realising he had taken a wicket, spreading his arms awkwardly, and then ploughing headfirst into the ground after tripping on what initial investigations suggest may have been an undone shoelace.

Hoggard's face to illustrate a dictionary definition
Matthew Hoggard's face is set to be juxtaposed next to the dictionary definition of "Yorkshire wit" after innumerable pairings of the cricketer with the attribute appeared in the media soon after the announcement of his retirement. Incidentally, this is the second time the cricketer's face has been used next to a dictionary definition. His shaggy countenance can also be found next to, and often confused with, the entry for "Yorkshire terrier".

Inactive Indian players threaten to muse on world events
The rare and lengthy stretch of India's inactivity in international cricket has apparently brought many idle players dangerously close to forming ideas about world events outside of cricket, with one even going so far as attempting to weigh in on his thoughts about the current situation in Syria. Thankfully, he was distracted by the sight of an ad in which he stars on TV, the latest in a series of them he had done for a skin-whitening product.

"I'm starting to think the situation in Syria is, like, complex and… uh," began Virat Kohli to friends before trailing off at the sight of his own over-exposed face on the screen. "Good God, that's beautiful," whispered Kohli to himself. "And white," he added, shielding his eyes from the glare. "Very, very white."

Ball hitting empty seat fills players with existential dread
The sound the ball made as it hit a row of empty seats, just one row among many in an empty stadium, wherever it was that India A was playing New Zealand A recently, filled all 22 players present at the ground with existential angst, the likes of which they are not soon to forget.

The cricketers winced at the sound, which seemed to permeate their very bones, indeed their very essences, with the stark reminder that no one, not even the semi-proverbial old man and his dog, was in attendance to watch the game.

"It pretty much forced us to confront the meaninglessness of our lives," said one of the players, who, since he was part of an A series game, shall remain nameless. "This match is being noted as an unofficial match, but really, when you think about it, isn't all the world an unofficial match? That is, until you break into the national team. But can a national team really be said to exist? As A-game players, will we ever know? I mean, what would Sartre have said?"

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Posted by TheDreadPirateRoberts on (September 19, 2013, 20:31 GMT)

I assure you there's no better preparation for playing cricket in front of an empty stadium than a season of first class cricket in NZ.

Posted by kohli_is_future on (September 16, 2013, 18:55 GMT)

kohli part is awesome....you made my day

Posted by ramli on (September 16, 2013, 11:27 GMT)

"one of the players, who, since he was part of an A series game, shall remain nameless" - awesome, means how important that these players not to be found uttering anything against BCCI tournaments

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