September 30, 2013

Tambe's success inspires Tendulkar

R Rajkumar
Neil Broom crashed 197 off 187 deliveries, Australian Institute of Sport v New Zealand A, day 2, Emerging Players tournament, August 2, 2011
A presidential pardon is being considered for those headline writers who tried using Quidditch or "vroom, vroom" puns when referring to Neil Broom  © Getty Images
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Writers who made Neil Broom pun at large in society
Police have warned that a number of sportswriters who have at some point or the other incorporated Neil Broom's name into a lazy cricketing pun of a headline - all of them variants of "Broom sweeps Otago/NZ to win" - continue to live at large in society.

Worryingly, the number of sightings of these people has been on the rise in recent times, with members of the public and investigators alike reporting having seen them washing their cars, going grocery shopping, walking the dog, having a beer at the local tavern, and other such mundane activities as would belie their criminal history.

"Looking at these guys, you'd never guess that they were responsible for writing such an instantly hackneyed headline," said Peter Marshall, New Zealand commissioner of police. "Which is why we owe it to society to keep as close a tab as we can on these disturbed individuals to make sure they don't do anything else dangerous."

Members of the public are warned that these so-called writers may be armed, dangerous, and just plain inexcusable.

Tambe success inspires Tendulkar to achieve similar heights
Pravin Tambe's success at the ripe old age of 42 has inspired none other than Sachin Tendulkar, according to sources. Tendulkar, who has been struggling to make it as a senior player for some years now himself, said that Tambe had given the likes of him hope that one day he too can make it.

"If Pravin Tambe can break through after years of struggle at such an obscenely advanced age, then who's to say I can't either?" asked Tendulkar rhetorically, before pausing to add with an airy laugh: "I will never retire for as long as I live."

Faisalabad wolf on verge of extinction
The Faisalabad wolf (Canis lupus Misbah-ul-Sisyphus) is on the verge of extinction, according to reports coming out of Pakistan. "Despite desperate efforts by the World Wildlife Fund and the PCB to increase its number in the wild, we are saddened to report that we had to upgrade the wolf's status from "endangered" to "critically endangered", said, for some reason, Ramiz Raja at a press conference recently. "We are down to the last remaining specimen of its kind," he added.

The Faisalabad wolf is a vital part of what is otherwise a rather fragile cricketing ecosystem, and conservationists working to rehabilitate Pakistan's batting have long warned that should the last of its kind die without producing a litter of offspring strong enough to survive the wild, it will spell disaster not just for Faisalabad but for Pakistan cricket at large.

In equal parts revered and reviled by locals, the Faisalabad wolf has been known to cause deep anguish and/or joy in the heart of many a Pakistani fan who gazes upon it. For now, the last remaining wolf can be seen in its natural habitat, holding up one end amidst a flurry of wickets at the other.

It's never too late for a fist-pump or two
(by guest writer Sreesanth)
Hi gang, I'm here to tell you in my latest avatar as a motivational speaker, that no matter how bad you have it in life, it's never too late for a fist-pump or two.

Friends, I believe there are basically two kinds of people in the world: those who look at the glass and say it's half-empty, and those who say it doesn't matter how empty or full the glass is as long as it carries enough of a reflective surface upon which to gaze at one's face. Okay, so maybe it's just me who says that, but still. You understand.

Then again, maybe you don't. What I'm trying to say is: you can always find a way to love yourself again, even if you never fell out of love with yourself in the first place. And a great way to do that is by giving yourself a few well-earned fist-pumps every now and again.

That's right, I still do the fist-pump thing. In fact, I find I can't not do it. And not just because it'd be difficult to stop doing something you've been doing most of your life; no, I do it because I still believe I'm the best at what I do. Honestly, I can't think of another fast bowler in the country who has the skill level and temperament to cry himself to sleep every night at the drop of a hat the way I do.

Shastri admits he doesn't know what a tracer bullet is
Ravi Shastri has admitted that he doesn't really know what a tracer bullet is.

"I just figured it was something cool to say," said Shastri. "But I'm guessing it's something fast, am I right? A bullet that's faster than your average bullet? Is it even a bullet at all? I don't know, guys, I'm just winging it here."

Bowlers have been altering condition of ball for centuries
In news that will come as a fresh shock to fans still reeling from recent revelations of corruption and cheating in the game, a study has found that many bowlers - all of them, in fact - have been indulging in deceptively altering the condition of the ball. Not only that, they have been doing it for eons, and in broad daylight.

According to the study, one of the most common and most devious methods employed by bowlers to change the condition of the ball is by making it bounce on the pitch before it reaches the batsman. This, according to experts, leads to wear and tear on the ball, which in turn influences the way it behaves.

"I can't believe we missed this one," said a member of the ICC Anti-Corruption Unit. "And don't even get me started about the so-called 'bouncers', whereby a fast bowler literally slams the ball as hard as he can into the ground. Dastardly!" he exclaimed. "And people say it's a batsman's game."

At press time, investigators were looking into allegations that bowlers use spit, sweat, and a constant rubbing motion against the groin area to further efforts at manipulating the ball's condition. "The scale of what we're dealing with is gradually becoming clear," said the official. "These people aren't just cheats, they are debauched degenerates."

R Rajkumar tweets here.
All quotes and "facts" in this piece are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Posted by   on (October 1, 2013, 11:14 GMT)

Even R Rajkumar needs Sachin to sell his article. SO whats wrong if BCCI needs him\

Posted by   on (September 30, 2013, 16:42 GMT)

"I will never retire for as long as I live." How true.

Posted by   on (September 30, 2013, 8:26 GMT)

Sachin should rather focus on his defense & lock closed bat faced shots in a trunk & throw it in the sea

Posted by Insult_2_Injury on (September 30, 2013, 5:47 GMT)

It's pretty clear to any spectator that bowlers haven't shined balls for years. Even if bunted back to a bowler he picks it up and throws it to a batsman to give it a light wipe. Can you believe that? Batsmen who've whinged so often that administrators have made the grounds the size of a dinner plate to cater to their egos, are now in control of a ball they don't have the talent to use! Funny game, cricket!

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