December 13, 2013

PCB warns Afghanistan against trying too hard to win

R Rajkumar
Mitchell Johnson: "It's time to change the world, one moustache at a time"  © AFP
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BCCI objects to unilateral CSA decision to let India tour proceed
After having given it some careful thought, the BCCI has decided to go ahead and take exception to Cricket South Africa unilaterally giving the go-ahead to India's tour in the wake of Nelson Mandela's passing, according to sources.

"Yet again, CSA has made a decision about the tour without consulting us," sputtered a spokesman for the Indian board after a meeting called to formulate a response to this fresh affront to its ego. "I'm sorry, but this effrontery will not stand."

When asked if they had a statement to make on the passing of Mr Mandela, the BCCI said, "Not only was Madiba's life a shining example of courage, resilience and integrity, he was a soaring beacon for democracy and known to be a great believer in the unifying power of sport and the discord-inducing power of appointing Haroon Lorgat as chief executive. Yep, that isn't going to go away just yet, guys."

Mitchell Johnson is keeping the moustache
Mitchell Johnson has pledged not to shave his moustache until the Ashes are won. But it isn't just about Ashes glory. The fast bowler said that even though Movember has come and gone, he wanted to continue to help raise awareness of health issues affecting men, especially a certain recently detected debilitating condition said to affect five out of five England top-order batsmen.

"I'm just one guy," said Johnson modestly, "but if I can continue to do my small part in bringing attention to this crippling disease by, well, trying to cripple England's batsmen with bouncers directed at their gullets, then hey, it's no skin off my back. No, not mine."

In a carefully considered statement released in response to the gesture, England captain Alastair Cook said, "Thanks."

SA to start every tour wearing pink?
Meanwhile, Cricket South Africa is reportedly seriously considering having its team start every tour wearing hot pink.

"Our new-found philosophy is, why restrict our support for health issues to just one day in the year when we can do it all year round?" said a spokesman for the board yesterday.

"Also," he added quickly in suddenly hushed tones, "don't tell anyone, but we have reason to believe that AB's uncharacteristic but refreshingly bellicose attitude and comments before the series began, and the players' ultra-aggressive attitude in the way they set the tone for the rest of the series by crushing India in the first ODI owed more to a desperate, subconscious need to prove their manhood in the face of being decked out head to toe in pretty pink than anything else."

Announcer accused of racism proves he's not racist
The announcer who allegedly mocked Monty Panesar by announcing his presence at the crease in an Indian accent during a tour game recently has protested his innocence. "Look, I haven't a racist bone in my body," he said. "In fact, some of my best friends are Indian people with funny accents and dodgy hairdos."

Meanwhile, Cricket Australia has released a statement strongly refuting allegations of casual racism in a message sent from its official Twitter account (since changed). "We deny these allegations," read the statement. "Some of the board's best friends are Sikhs dressed as Teletubbies who are indistinguishable from Monty Panesar."

PCB warns Afghanistan against trying too hard to win in future
Afghanistan gave a surprisingly good account of themselves in their one-off T20 match against Pakistan recently, prompting the PCB to release a two-part statement, the first half of which explained how the tight match vindicated their continued selfless support of their fledgling neighbours by granting them matches on the international stage. The second part of the statement consisted of a polite reminder to the Afghanistan Cricket Board that it will be the last time it happens if they try so damn hard to win again next time.

Bear Grylls encounters dreaded beer snake
Bear Grylls may have made a name for having developed a nuanced taste of his own urine and the fecal liquid of fresh elephant dung, but his latest stunt is so outrageous as to put to shade everything he has attempted before.

Even his most diehard fans will have been shocked at the adventurer's audacity at Adelaide Oval recently as Grylls went about attempting to wrangle with the dreaded antipodean beer snake.

The intrepid Grylls, camera crew in tow, was attempting to demonstrate how it is possible for an Englishman to survive in the extreme conditions of the current Ashes solely on the collective dregs of thousands of used beer cups. But disaster struck, as the snake employed one of its most deadly defense mechanisms: unleashing drunken yobs upon its attacker. As a result, Grylls was thrashed to within an inch of his adventuresome life.

Rohit Sharma resumes normal service
After a brief interruption of a strange few months during which he was woefully out of character, Rohit Sharma finally resumed normal service during the first ODI against South Africa.

The batsman first served up a mouth-watering starter of unintentional leaves outside off stump to balls tailing away at pace, an image that purists will recognise as harkening back to the golden age of the love-to-hate Rohit Sharma era. This was then followed up with a nostalgia-soaked, sepia-tinted entrée of the classical eyes-closed approach to dealing with short balls.

"It feels like it was just the other day that he was doing these kinds of things," said one wistful fan. "Oh, wait. It was just the other day."

R Rajkumar tweets here.
All quotes and "facts" in this piece are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Posted by ramli on (December 16, 2013, 8:19 GMT)

Rohit Sharma resuming normal service ... excellent piece ... even Rohit will laugh to the core

Posted by   on (December 14, 2013, 5:55 GMT)

In fact it was a warning for Pakistan team. Afghanistan is tuff side I believe Afghans played very good but what made us lose the game it was lake of experience. So it's a warning for PCb to be prepared for the next game

Posted by ThatsJustCricket on (December 13, 2013, 21:17 GMT)

nice one, real funny.......

Posted by   on (December 13, 2013, 18:45 GMT)

Not really related to this article, but what do you think about the fact that there just a released a bollywood film by your name? Eh? R... Rajkumar?

Posted by   on (December 13, 2013, 17:33 GMT)

Well, I ejoyed readng about BCCI and Mitchel Johnson. I really had a good laugh.

Posted by manobilla on (December 13, 2013, 14:18 GMT)

hilarious... specially the part of Afghanistan not to "try so damn hard to win" against Pak (i am Pakistani btw, but still found it very funny )

Posted by   on (December 13, 2013, 12:53 GMT)

was funny the bcci bit too was funny.

Posted by Rawal on (December 13, 2013, 9:05 GMT)

Hilarious! Funny from the start to its end!

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