'I got a funky, funky style with a funky swag'
The Ashes are over, careers are over, but inane outpourings, self-absorbed guff and cod philosophy are still being broadcast in 140 characters or fewer. Who dropped ten Aussie dollars? Who had a Star Wars marathon? Who's got a funky funky style with a funky swag? All these questions and more are answered below, whether the information's worth anything to anyone or not.
The series review
It pretty much all boils down to this.
Regardless of all the wickets you really have to respect the density of those handlebars #tash #mitchelljohnson— Moises Henriques (@Mozzie21) December 25, 2013
You're a long time retired, they always say. That's why it's important to pace yourself.
Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back with Wilfred in the play room. What a day so far. Jedi before bedtime and the day will be complete— Graeme Swann (@Swannyg66) January 14, 2014
So what are you going to do tomorrow then, Graeme? Watch The Phantom Menace? You're regretting calling it a day now, aren't you?
The loneliness of the long-forgotten fast-medium bowler
Swann's not the only former England player having to entertain himself these days.
Suppose one good thing about going to the movies on your own is you don't have to share your popcorn— Graham Onions (@BunnyOnions) January 11, 2014
Every cloud and all that.
Sitting in a car for long makes me sleepy and tired for no reason. Is that the case with everyone? Give me tips to kill time now.— Virat Kohli (@imVkohli) January 10, 2014
Go to sleep?
That Pat Cummins - who does he look like?
Just got asked "Do you ever get told you look like the Cricketer James Pattinson?" #toughtimes @_jamespattinson— Pat Cummins (@93Cummins) January 8, 2014
I lost 10AUD earlier - it took me 1 hour to find it back on the street. I back track every step.. Tough time to lose 10$. #Relief— Chris Gayle (@henrygayle) January 4, 2014
The players' favourite
What do the players look for in a commentator?
Punter brilliant in the com box! Great insight and only nice things to say about everyone... #legend #tensport— Mitchell Starc (@mstarc56) January 7, 2014
Unsurprisingly, they look for someone who isn't going to criticise them.
Life with Kemar Roach
Has Kemar Roach got a funky funky style with a funky swag?
I Got A Funky Funky Style With A Funky Swag!— Kemar Roach (@KemarAJR) January 10, 2014
Yes, he has. Kemar has got a funky funky style with a funky swag.
What's your philosophy?
I'm Not A Jealous Man But Females Lie!— Kemar Roach (@KemarAJR) January 3, 2014
So do men. Everyone lies. There are even some who'd question whether you truly do have a funky funky style with a funky swag.
Let's try someone else.
It isnt what you do, but its how you do it.— Kraigg Brathwaite (@K_Brathwaite) January 11, 2014
No, that's just flat-out wrong. To a very large extent, it's what you do. For example, being exceptional at flicking playing cards into a hat does not trump giving just a couple of hours of your time to help out at a local charity.
When you're on the fringes of the team, you do what you can to fit in.
Hmmmm Burger King in Srilanka, not bad at all.— Lahiru Thirimanne (@thiri66) January 11, 2014
He's not done his research.
Somewhere in the world, there is always a cricketer complaining about jetlag.
#jetlag— Matt Prior (@MattPrior13) January 12, 2014
Again....#jetlag— Matt Prior (@MattPrior13) January 13, 2014
Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket