'I've been working on my evil villain laugh'
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Who fancies their chances in the bobsleigh? Who's been practising their evil laugh? And who has an afternoon nap inked into their daily itinerary? Your life will be so much richer once these questions have been answered below.
Brace yourselves for inexplicable exclamation marks, napalm marketing and slightly desperate attempts to forge team identities in the face of minimal history and ever-changing player rosters. The IPL is coming!
Following the auction, coaches and managers now know the players they have available to them. All that's left is to fit the pieces together in the best way possible.
Is it just me or does it sound like they're genuinely appealing for help?
The men of leisure
Kevin Pietersen's got time to think about major issues now that he no longer plays for England.
Graeme Swann's keeping himself busy too.
Speaking of Pietersen, has he had a chance to thank Piers Morgan for all the support he provided when he lost his job?
Hopefully Pietersen's campaign will be just as successful as Morgan's was.
Speaking as a Pom, not at all good. If you break your leg, seeing someone with a broken arm doesn't cheer you up. If you lose your job, a trip to the Job Centre isn't an effective pick-me-up. Hopping South African batsmen don't heal Ashes damage one bit.
The hero's welcome
All-conquering Dale Steyn came home to…
<b>The film review</b>
<b>My Day, My Time, My Life! with Kemar Roach
Kemar seems keen to rebrand this feature.
And what's going on in Kemar's life this week?
That's… an interesting combination.
The second-worst thing
Surely jet-lag's the worst thing?
Somewhere in the world, there is always a cricketer complaining about jet-lag.
It affects them all - young and old.
Note that he refers to "the afternoon nap" not "an afternoon nap". It's part of his everyday routine.
Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket