March 31, 2014

The Gilo blueprint

Managing the England lads, working on their golf swing, not thinking about KP - Ashley Giles will take care of everything

Ashley Giles is also working on the most optimum tea-pot pose, one that will register disapproval without encountering a fine © Getty Images

English cricket is in a pickle, and only one man can save it. Here are the key areas on which he will be focusing.

1) Gilo has said that he is not afraid to take the tough decisions. Whether that means saying "Ooh, well obviously, the lads are a bit disappointed" or "Very much so, there are a lot of positives to take from this 245-run hammering", Gilo can be relied upon to select the correct option, no matter how hard it might be to walk that path.

2) Finding a new home for Jade Dernbach, somewhere with a little stream he can drink out of and a nice barn for him to have a rest in, as well as all the carrots he can eat. Only joking. Jade has been sold to Tescos for burger meat.

3) Journey management. Gilo has always been keen to stress that England are on a journey. No match or tournament itself represents a destination, merely a staging post on the road to enlightenment or, possibly, the IPL, if a lad really plays his cards right.

4) Definitely not thinking about Kevin Pietersen. No way. Kevin Who? Who Pietersen? Where Pietersen? Who What?

5) More jobs for good lads like Goochie, Colly, Mushy and Thorpey, even though they, like Gilo, have been in charge for recent defeats. It's definitely not the coaches' fault, which is why we need more coaches. Simple.

6) Team to concentrate on giving 110% on the golf course, structured drills to make each player a really good lad to have around the place, and everyone to redouble their focus on becoming just a very useful cricketer to have around the place. Batting and bowling optional.

7) Evidence to be produced to show that current England management are very much the best possible people for the Biggest Job In Cricket. Somebody to get in touch with the post office to find out why no job applications were received from anyone other than a Mr A Giles.

8) Just some really nice-looking tracksuits.

9) Broady to put his hand up and come to the party when we need somebody to bowl. Nobody to be allowed to retire mid-over just because they don't fancy it, unless exceptional evidence for a non-specific and vaguely confusing condition can be produced.

10) Following the success of the "bowling with balls that have been dunked in a bucket" directive, team to practise with all sorts of unfamiliar materials and techniques including "catching the cricket ball", "bowling it at the stumps" and "fetching it out of the stand when some massive foreign bloke has just twonked it". Once we master these skills, the sky (group stage) is definitely the limit.

More inner workings in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries at www.tyersandbeach.com

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