England's new regime: what's different

Alan Tyers
Jeremy Irons was happy to be back in charge of England  © Getty Images
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Some people have been concerned that the reappointment of Peter Moores as England cricket supremo represents a backward step. Not so. It will all be very different this time.

Previous Moores regime: Coach proved himself unable to deal with star players.
New Moores regime: Not going to be a problem because England no longer have any.

Previous Moores regime: One-size-fits-all approach to training.
New Moores regime: Each individual player can choose the colour of cones he will be running around 100 times a day while being shouted at.

Previous Moores regime: Meaningless management speech.
New Moores regime: Speech de-meaninglessified vis a vis new management communicational paradigm. Going forward.

Previous Moores regime: England cricket paymasters bending over backwards to get in bed with dodgy American moneymen.
New Moores regime: England cricket paymasters bending over backwards to get in bed with dodgy Indian moneymen.

Previous Moores regime: Andy Flower probably pulling the strings behind closed doors.
New Moores regime: Andy Flower probably pulling the strings behind closed doors.

Previous Moores regime: English cricket doing everything possible to maximise commercial revenues and establish itself as a major moneymaking enterprise with series of major deals.
New Moores regime: Still a work in progress, but English cricket has changed Official Team England Mineral Water Partner.

Previous Moores regime: Growing concern about the very large number of back-room staff in the England "bubble".
New Moores regime: Full-time role for Bubble out of Big Brother as specialist team sun-hat consultant with possible consultancy work for Reni of the Stone Roses on an ad hoc basis if further sun-hat expertise is required.

Previous Moores regime: Feeling around the team that Ian Bell is finally ready to step up and provide the leadership that his experience and talent have long promised.
New Moores regime: Feeling around the team that Ian Bell is finally ready to step up and provide the leadership that his experience and talent have long promised.

Previous Moores regime: Unpleasant and undignified jettisoning of men who have been great servants to English cricket.
New Moores regime: Goochie relieved of batting-coach duties during frying-an-egg demonstration in Waitrose for sponsor's junket.

Previous Moores regime: Everything was Pietersen's fault.
New Moores regime: Everything will be Pietersen's fault.

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Alan Tyers is the author of WG Grace Ate My Pedalo and more. www.tyersandbeach.com

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Posted by landl47 on (May 13, 2014, 4:21 GMT)

How about:

Previous Moores regime: Marred by fighting with an over-aggressive captain with no leadership qualities. New Moores Regime: Marred by fighting with an under-aggressive captain with no leadership qualities.

Mind you, I'd be happy with:

Previous Moores regime: Brings in Graeme Swann and Stuart Broad. New Moores regime: Brings in a spin bowler and a seamer who are as good as Graeme Swann and Stuart Broad.

Posted by ygkd on (May 12, 2014, 22:57 GMT)

If it's any consolation, I don't see that Australian cricket's changed that much since a change of national coach, it's just that the national team is winning a bit more. Cricket - a very inexact science... which is probably why such things as this very silly spoof seem eerily prophetic.

Posted by Paul_Somerset on (May 12, 2014, 22:04 GMT)

Excellent from Tyers. Very funny and very, very true.

It's pretty clear now that Flower's resignation was predicated on Moores' reappointment. You can't help but be reminded of Vladimir Putin being forced by the Russian constitution to switch from being President to Prime Minister, with his mouthpiece Dmitri Medvedev keeping the seat warm in the presidential office until Putin could resume the role.

Posted by   on (May 12, 2014, 18:57 GMT)

All in good humor but No star players? only the youngest man to 8,000 test runs and a man who will probably end up England's leading wicket taker in test cricket but you're right KP was the only star...

Posted by cloudmess on (May 12, 2014, 11:48 GMT)

Funny - but sadly also all true.

Posted by Rajeshj on (May 12, 2014, 11:04 GMT)

Fantastic and read something nice about not-so-nice-ECB-decisions lately.. Only ECB, Peter Moores, Cook and Broad (not to mention, the behind-the-doors string puller Andy) would expect the beginning of New Era for England.. We just see the repeat the of 90's ultra-confusion prevailing out there.. I am sure England will see 3 or 4 new captains in another 2 years..

Posted by Insightful2013 on (May 12, 2014, 10:12 GMT)

You must be well chuffed. Inspired writing. Were you channeling Eric Morcambe?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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