June 9, 2014

The future will be at Lord's

The proposed revamp of HQ: paradise for those who wish to play football, eat whole grains, and relieve themselves in the KP Memorial fountain

Among the changes planned is the triggering of a shower of poison-tipped arrows at any journalist writing the words
Among the changes planned is the triggering of a shower of poison-tipped arrows at any journalist writing the words "Pietersen" and "greatest" in the same sentence while sitting in the Lord's media centre © PA Photos

Lord's is to be given a £55 million revamp to get it ready for the 2019 World Cup after the MCC signed off on plans to spruce up the Home of English Cricket. Could the following be part of the development?

* Hi-tech biomechanics facility for reprogramming of the actions of young England fast bowlers.

* Injury rehab clinic for young England fast bowlers.

* Media training facility for Team England players, made from featureless brushed steel, no windows.

* Nutritional science area, with grain silo for team quinoa, special hothouse for goji berries, isotonic-recovery-drink lake.

* Spirit of Cricket IMAX 3D cinema, so England players can study Cheating Foreigners doing unconscionable things in contravention of the Spirit of Cricket TM - all in glorious IMAX 3D.

* Playing area to be shrunk to make T20 matches more exciting, perhaps to around 15m from pitch to boundary.

* To attract young local types as part of community outreach scheme, MCC have insisted on facilities for the sorts of sports they understand that the young people of today are keen on, including 100 Real Tennis courts, show-jumping arena, ballroom, hare-coursing track, bear-baiting pit, witch-ducking pond and roller disco.

* Revenue-increasing features to allow ground to be used more often, including football stadium, gig venue, secondary football stadium.

* Blazer shop.

* Steward barracks, with shooting ranges to train stadium guards to spot a patron without a tie at 100 metres.

* England team practice area with state-of-the-art gym, running track, aerobics suite, climbing wall, boxing ring. No space for cricket nets.

* Welcome suite and acclimatisation area for new imports to English cricket team, with Afrikaans-English translation facilities.

* Kevin Pietersen Memorial Fountain (concerns that it may pollute other fountains in area, may have to be removed for good of all).

* Improved food court, with more affordable food options on Test-match days, including some lunches that may not require a credit cheque/bank-approved personal loan.

Alan's sports books, all illustrated by the brilliant Beach, are here

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • DustyBin on June 9, 2014, 10:27 GMT

    you forgot Alan to mention the 45 different Focus Groups that came up with this plan....(& yes I'm cheesed off with what they've done to Finn, too.)

  • Sinhabahu on June 9, 2014, 6:16 GMT

    "* Spirit of Cricket IMAX 3D cinema, so England players can study Cheating Foreigners doing unconscionable things in contravention of the Spirit of Cricket TM - all in glorious IMAX 3D."

    Best one!

  • DustyBin on June 9, 2014, 10:27 GMT

    you forgot Alan to mention the 45 different Focus Groups that came up with this plan....(& yes I'm cheesed off with what they've done to Finn, too.)

  • Sinhabahu on June 9, 2014, 6:16 GMT

    "* Spirit of Cricket IMAX 3D cinema, so England players can study Cheating Foreigners doing unconscionable things in contravention of the Spirit of Cricket TM - all in glorious IMAX 3D."

    Best one!

  • No featured comments at the moment.

  • Sinhabahu on June 9, 2014, 6:16 GMT

    "* Spirit of Cricket IMAX 3D cinema, so England players can study Cheating Foreigners doing unconscionable things in contravention of the Spirit of Cricket TM - all in glorious IMAX 3D."

    Best one!

  • DustyBin on June 9, 2014, 10:27 GMT

    you forgot Alan to mention the 45 different Focus Groups that came up with this plan....(& yes I'm cheesed off with what they've done to Finn, too.)