July 14, 2014

Situation vacant at the ECB

Alan Tyers
"It seems the Indian players are missing the end of mango season. Can we fly out a few crates of alphonsos on the double?"  © Getty Images
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ECB chief executive David Collier has stepped down from his post. Here's how the job advert for his replacement might look.

An exciting opportunity has come up for the right individual to help shape the long-term (i.e. until next quarterly audit) future of England cricket.

These are exciting times for England cricket and not just in the financial sense.

We have invested heavily in providing cricketing opportunities and support for disadvantaged choirboys from Essex.

We have worked closely with county chairmen to provide Test match pitches that fulfil everyone's major requirements, viz: ensuring hospitality boxes go into a fifth day and keeping spectators inside the ground, with fencing and chains if necessary, to watch the exciting Brand of Cricket on offer.

We have worked tirelessly with cable TV providers to ensure that only people from the right sort of families watch the sport.

The successful candidate will possess a proven track record in one of the core areas of the sport: banking, finance, banking-finance, financial banking, and Texas investor recruitment.

He or she will possess his own blazer, have a proven appetite for good, long lunches, and enjoy visiting commercial partner match-day boxes from stockbrokers to insurance companies.

An interest in cricket is preferable, and an interest in compound interest is vital.

With cricket increasingly a global product, the successful candidate will have an understanding of the business side of the game in other major cricketing nations such as India, as well as possibly India and perhaps even India.

While fluency in Hindi is desirable, training would be given to ensure the candidate is confident in basic business-conversational Hindi phrases such as:

"Sir, kripya kya main aapke thode khubsurat se paise le sakta hoon? [Please sir, may I have some of your lovely money?"]

"Kya hum aap ke saath har hafte khel sakte hain? [Can we play you every week?")

"Ji sir, nahi sir, teen bag pure, Sri Srinivasan, sir. [Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir, Mr Srinivasan, sir."]

Top-level cricketing experience is not considered essential as it might intimidate some of the current men's team.

Financial literacy is vital, as is a clean driving licence, in case Lord Giles needs you to run him to an important meeting. Please send CV, covering letter, dietary requirements, and three ideas for how you will increase revenue streams.

NOTE: The ECB is an equal-opportunities employer: there are lots of opportunities to make money for all.

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Posted by Dysan25 on (July 15, 2014, 11:07 GMT)

loved this article .. one of the core areas of sport was epic !!!

Posted by   on (July 15, 2014, 6:04 GMT)

Enjoyed this one! Lovely reference to the Texas investor

Posted by ThatsJustCricket on (July 14, 2014, 17:52 GMT)

Can one of my south indian friends help me out here? Srini, being a tamil, does he even speak hindi?

Posted by B.C.G on (July 14, 2014, 10:30 GMT)

Love this stuff.More please.

Comments have now been closed for this article

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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