August 25, 2014

Shastri and Fletch: the movie

It's the odd-couple buddy story set to be this summer's blockbuster hit

Gruff veteran cop Fletch is paired up with excitable rookie Shastri for a thrilling adventure around England that turns into a journey of discovery for both men.

Interior, night, the Indian dressing room. Fletch is sitting quietly, studying a video of Ravi Jadeja batting and muttering to himself.

Fletch: Look at his pathetic excuse for a forward press. That little drip, I'd like to forward press him right down that flight of stairs. Anderson had the right idea - 1.2 billion people and not an Ashley Giles-type character among them.

Shastri enters.

Shastri: Woooh! Oh my goodness it's so exciting - we've both got sunglasses! Woop! I love sunglasses, especially ones sponsored by Official IPL eyewear partner Roybans, which are very competitively priced at just roughly the annual salary of an average Indian cricket fan and available in all good official BCCI retail outlets, so buy now. They make me look so cool. We're like totally partners and a team. In shades! We're Team Shades!

Fletch: So this is what control has sent me. Just one month from retirement and I'm stuck with this guy.

Shastri: Obviously it's a massive honour to work with you and I know there is so much you can teach me.

Fletch: Let's start with shutting the hell up.

Shastri: Ha ha ha. Love it! We're going to work so well together as a team - me with my enthusiasm and dynamism and raffish good looks and important innate understanding of doing exactly what the sirs at the BCCI want to the letter and you with your… with… your… er… things that you do.

Fletch: Let's talk about team strategy. I think it's important to work on bowling dry, running between the wickets and scoreboard pressure.

Shastri: This is brilliant. Top-level talks. I think we should try to sign a new endorsement deal with Fanta or Andrex or something and then let Dhoni do whatever he wants.

Fletch: Goddam rookie. I won't let you dog my One Last Case: producing an ODI cricket team that even England can beat. It's been my life's work.

Shastri: Hey, you're obsessed with the job, dammit. Do you want to retire or not?

Fletch: The only way they're getting my badge and gun is if the goddam chief goddamn pries them from my cold dead fingers or alternatively offers me an acceptable severance package.

Shastri: Ha ha ha, now you're talking. You hit that one like a tracer bullet. Let's go on TV and talk about everything for a bit.

Fletch: Twenty-five years on the force for this. I can't wait to get shot in that bungled armed robbery in impossibly poignant circumstances.

Shastri: Your work will live on, partner. I'll crack the case. India will never forget your services, whatever it was that they were. I bet there's a TV show we can make about - I'll star as you! And me! And both of us! Now get out there and get yourself rubbed out in an irony made even crueller by your imminent retirement from the force. Shastri and Shastri is ready to roll.

Screenplay by Alan Tyers. tyersandbeach.com

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  • ramli on August 26, 2014, 13:15 GMT

    ..."producing an ODI cricket team that even England can beat. It's been my life's work ..." - priceless. That is what might happen ... we will know in two weeks

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