Agony Aunt September 30, 2014

What Shaz is really doing with the Indian team

And what Ajmal should do during his ban

"It's a mess, chief. When I say jump, they say, 'Are you high?'" © Getty Images

Can you draw parallels between the ICC's drive against suspect actions and McCarthyism? asks Commie Mbangwa
That is a long bow to draw, my friend. Although the zeal with which the ICC is going after bowlers could be seen as excessive, it has yet to reach the heights set by old Tail Gunner Joe. It hasn't progressed to the point where schoolboys are sending letters to the ICC reporting that their 4th XI team-mate might be straightening his elbow just a little too much. That may be the eventual goal, of course.

But right now, the ICC is opposing one of the central tenets of McCarthyism - it isn't going after the loony left. Of the 16 actions investigated by the ICC, 15 belonged to right-arm bowlers.

What do you think Ravi Shastri is really doing with the Indian team? asks Dunkin Flescher
Do you remember when you were a kid and you had a whole lot of little toys - action figures or Happy Meal trinkets or Barbies or MiniFigs, or whatever, and you could set them up all over the floor, and you were a giant, all-powerful god who could dictate the lives of these toys in an instant, who could make them bend to your will, or call down massive natural disasters that decimated their communities?

You do? (Everybody does, like every child pretended touching the floor would kill you and had to get around by scaling furniture.)

Well, that's what I think Ravi Shastri is really doing with the Indian team. Only without the massive natural disasters. We hope.

I am an Indian player who played appallingly in England. Is playing county cricket my remedy? asks No Girlfriend, No Tour
Maybe. The more time you spend practising something, the better you tend to get at it, up to a certain point. That certain point might just be lower than you need to play professional cricket, in which case you might just be better off accepting your limitations and taking up underwater basket-weaving…

Yeah, like any sportsman in the history of the world has ever decided to do that. Go see if you can play county cricket. It'll be better than being in India, because I can imagine you aren't the most popular person right now.

Graeme Smith has gone into the corporate world. Mathew Sinclair into real estate. Chris Martin into the supermarket business. What really is the best job for a cricketer post-retirement?asks Notatallrounder
Anything that keeps them out of the commentary box, because I do not need any more self-congratulatory locker-room nonsense in my life. Seriously, why don't commentators actually comment on the game rather than subjecting us to their opinions? I do not care about their opinions. I have enough of my own, goddammit.

Ahem. Actual careers. Maybe a job that requires highly accurate throwing ability? I can't think of one, but I'm sure they are out there. Suggestions in the comments.

Perhaps they could volunteer for charities, or do something else altruistic. Maybe those three are showing the way by getting jobs that regular people have.

They could always become stay-at-home dads. That's a pretty good option these days.

How should Saeed Ajmal spend his time now that he has been banned from bowling? asks Chucked Out
With his family? Watching cat videos on YouTube? Taking up underwater basket-weaving? Going and getting edumacated? Doing enough illicit drugs to make Keith Richards' eyes water?

Really, I have no answer to these questions because I barely know what I'm doing with my own life, let alone what someone else should do with theirs.

In fact, I'm going to issue this edict. If you don't know what to do with yourself now that you cannot play, watch, or think about cricket, you have my permission to do whatever your weird little heart desires. Anything you like, just so long as when you're doing that thing, you stay far away from me.

Leave your questions in the comments below

Trish Plunket is a grumpy old man. Except she's not old. Or a man

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