Agony Aunt October 17, 2014

What KP's book should have been called

And what to do with yourself if you are a sleep guru (yes, there is such a thing)

"The position's all wrong, the breathing pattern irregular, the REM non-existent, and the thread counts on that sheet appalling. Get him a coach already" © Getty Images

What would have been a more appropriate title for KP: The Autobiography? asks Braugh Dee
Well, it could have featured his name rather than his initials - except that as I discussed a while back, Kevin seems to be the most uncool name in the English-speaking universe.

It could also feature the name of the ghost writer who actually put fingers to keyboard on the thing (there are some players you could convince me wrote their own books, but KP isn't one.)

Other title suggestions:

The Secret Diary of Kevin Pietersen, age 34 and 1/3

KP's Slam Book

You want to know what I texted last summer?

Dishing Dirt on Ex-Team-mates, Plus a Whole Lot of Stuff About Me

How do you eliminate the problem of chucking from cricket? asks Ben L Baugh
Cease to make it a problem. Really, this chucking witch-hunt, with its degrees of flex, testing with technology so advanced it takes a specialist team to do it, reports and bans, and being allowed to bowl some balls and not others, and that weird thing Shoaib Akhtar used to do with his elbow… I think whoever makes these decisions needs to realise it's not any worse now than it used to be and getting pedantic over it is little more than a distraction.

In fact, I want to sit the personification of the ICC down, clip it over the back of the head and say: "Chucking? Not the problem! There are so many other problems to deal with in cricket, like match-fixing, and screwing over of smaller countries, the way TV corporations are buying boards, the demise of Test cricket! Your focus on players chucking is kind of like freaking out over the gutters being clogged when your house is burning down!"

Either that or make everyone bowl in a brace.

Complete the sentence: Pakistan without Ajmal are like New Zealand without… asks Sad Edge Mel
Daniel Vettori. In that they are both really old, continuing to play despite some fairly dodgy circumstances, and probably should have stopped some time ago. Does Ajmal do that weird thing with his tongue?

My team-mate is writing nasty things about me in his book. How should I retaliate? Sneaky Stu
You could grow up and get over it? Like the mature adult I'm going to assume you are?

Except, of course, you won't do that. And fair enough, neither would I. You could perhaps hold a press conference and tell the world that this ex-team-mate of yours is just a complete fool with a limited grasp of the truth.

Perhaps, if you wish to fully and completely rebut him, you could write a long column about how much of a fool he is, taking him on point by point. You alternatively could write a really long column about how you aren't stooping so low as to reply to his slander and that the view from your moral high ground is so good.

I am a sleep guru looking for a job in cricket. Who can I approach? asks Phot E Vinx
You're a what? How can you be a "guru" in something that every goddamn human being is proficient in at birth? I can nap like I'm getting paid to do it but that doesn't make me a sleep guru, it makes me a bad person to plan things with on Sunday afternoons.

But. Your question. I think you should approach the ECB for next time they have to go to Australia. Anything that lets them get over jetlag earlier and possibly allows them to get less homesick is something I'm pretty sure they'd be into. Even if it comes from a scientifically dubious, probably money-grubbing "sleep guru". Or you could approach Australia. Or you could prove you're not after money and offer to help the Black Caps, because they have to deal with jetlag whenever they go anywhere and don't have much cash at all.

But really, I think you should go sit in the corner and contemplate the fact you are the reason we cannot have nice things.

Leave your questions in the comments below

Trish Plunket is a grumpy old man. Except she's not old. Or a man

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • Jim on October 21, 2014, 7:10 GMT

    @Lawson Dauer. India vs Srilanka (Both are fair teams and they play only for cricket not for money)-5 ODI series from Nov. Enjoy!!

  • Dummy4 on October 17, 2014, 14:26 GMT

    I am a cricket fan bemused by goings on (KP, India v West Indies, etc) that have nothing to do with playing the game. When & where can I next watch some hard, but fair, cricket please?

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