Zimbabwe: Lords without a prayer

This wasn't a Test match, this was cricketing slaughter. England's innings-and-209-run victory over Zimbabwe in three-and-a-bit rain-soaked days was our first at Lord's in five years.

But the any triumphalism in the ground - and particularly in the press box - was soon replaced by an overwhelming sense of sympathy for a sadly sub-standard opposition. It was all too easy.

The English are never comfortable with winning. They are even less happy about winning comfortably.

Nobody was surprised by the result; nobody was too bothered about the inconsistent umpiring and, most damaging of all, not many people turned up to watch it.

And you know the worst thing of all? I'm starting to wonder if those remarkable Zimbabwean results over the past 18 months were quite what they seemed.

Remember the home win over India? Or even more shocking: the away victory against Pakistan? Or how about those World Cup giant-killings against Pakistan and South Africa which saw Zimbabwe through to the latter stages ahead of the West Indies and England?

Were these the results of true Zim grit - or was it a matter of match fixing? I am in no position to make allegations against anybody, but one look at yesterday morning's News of the World revelations, quoting Pakistan's Salim Malik, would suggest that, in cricket, things are not as they seem. Match fixing is rife, and the big odds offered against Zimbabwe offer the perfect betting-coup scenario.

I am not suggesting that these Zimbabweans have been corrupted in any way. All I'm saying is that, on the evidence of the last four days, they simply don't look capable of beating Holland or Scotland, let alone such cricketing super powers as Pakistan, India and South Africa.

I mean, look at the facts: This was the 14th biggest win EVER in the history of Test cricket, it was England's biggest win for 26 years. And just in case you thought they had some reasonable youngsters left in the wings, the Zimbabwe A team are currently getting hammered in Sri Lanka.

On Sunday at a damp, deserted Lord's, Nasser Hussain's men needed less than 25 overs to take the five wickets needed to complete victory. Still, at least they managed to get into three figures this time, though 123 hardly represents an adequate response to a first innings deficit of more than 300.

Darren Gough, who took four of the five wickets in the gloom on Saturday night, failed to add to his tally. Ed Giddins, who took five in the first innings, took two more to pick up the Man of the Match award despite Andy Caddick's efforts. In the batting department, centurions Graeme Hick and Alec Stewart might feel a little aggrieved.

Yes England enjoyed some top quality performances here. But let's not get carried away. There are county sides here who could provide far better opposition.

Really this Test and the next one at Trent Bridge in Nottingham in a fortnight should be consigned to special chapter of Wisden entitled: First class non-events.

Nasser Hussain, who is getting used to victory speeches (the last Test England played, against South Africa at Centurion, was a dodgy victory based on a double declaration), claimed: "This is the most professional we have been during my captaincy - and it's our most comprehensive victory.

"We played very good cricket, though there are areas where we can improve."

Then he launched into his time worn-mantra about not getting too up about victory or too down about defeat. On this occasion he's absolutely right.

Victory over Zimbabwe is not going to lead to dancing in the streets or public holidays.

Hussain insisted: "We realise this is a Zimbabwe side who are wounded and will want to come back at."

Wounded? This Zimbabwe side are dead and buried Naz. Half of them are worried about farm squatters at home and they're all forced to live on pauper's wages by the hugely devalued Zimbabwean dollar.

The ZCU, as I revealed last week, have promised to improve pay and conditions - but in the light of this Lord's-without-a-prayer performance, I wonder if that wasn't a little premature. Manager Dan Stannard and coach Andy Pycroft are now saying they'll use the fifth day for extra nets but I really can't see them raising standards on this tour.

Heath Streak, who has every reason to produce less than his best as he has a farm under threat at home and an aching knee over here, looked like their only Test performer. Neil Johnson was sharp if ineffective with the ball but disappointing with the bat while others - like Trevor Gripper, Alistair Campbell, Grant and Andy Flower, Pommy Mbangwa and Murray Goodwin - appear to be suffering from a serious lack of confidence and form.

Andy, the current captain, is probably best placed to assess this awful slaughter, having played in every Test since his nation were (perhaps prematurely) granted Test status eight years ago.

He says: "We finally got to play at Lord's and we played such poor cricket. That's what makes this the most disappointing Test of all.

"I think the guys were quite nervous but there are no excuses for how we played."

"We need to take a harsh look at ourselves. We have got to fight back."

With a Test and a one-day series still to come, we can only hope they do. Another Test like this one and cricket will finally drown in the sea of Euro 2000 football headlines.

The game needs a Zimbabwean recovery. Sadly, they are incapable of anything of the sort.