The IPL cannot be bothered to waste time formulating rules for matters of utter insignificance, such as Test cricket, player rights, spectator comfort, or Arun Lal.
May 15, 2009

It is compulsory for Robin Jackman to show inordinate levels of excitement whenever he encounters any everyday object - such as a tree, a park bench, or a bottle of mineral water.
May 14, 2009

The exclusive rights to perform ridiculous, uncoordinated dance moves at IPL matches, accompanied by childish giggling, rest solely with the official team cheerleaders and Sreesanth.
May 13, 2009

No commentator covering any sporting event other than the IPL may copy Danny Morrison's super-excited wheeze, Jeremy Coney's bungling-clown act, or Ranjit Fernando's vowel-enhancement techniques, without prior written permission from the BCCI.
May 12, 2009

As an extension of the "no-tolerance" policy regarding "rebel" league ICL, no commentator may refer, even in passing, to the eerie resemblance between Sivamani and Thiru Kumaran.
May 11, 2009

TV commentators, teams and support staff are forbidden from making irritating, obvious and bland statements about cricket, between 12:01 and 12:03pm on second Thursdays, if the sky is overcast and an orange rhinoceros is nearby.
May 10, 2009

All TV commentators must keep up an incessant stream of loud, idiotic hyperbole - so that viewers will wistfully long for the understated elegance and class of Navjot Singh Sidhu.
May 9, 2009

All batsmen playing in the IPL are ordered to hit sixes (er . . . DLF Maximums) only in the direction of the occupied stands, so that the camera can easily avoid showing the large patches of empty seats.
May 8, 2009

All South African nationals, for the duration of the IPL, are required to embrace, admire and generally fawn over Indian culture. If they fail to do so, the IPL franchisees will punish them by refusing to leave.
May 7, 2009

All players are required to meet their commercial and advertising commitments to their sponsors. Those failing to do so will be taken out back and shot.
May 6, 2009