Hold that bon mot

Five things television commentators must be banned from uttering

	An unidentified listener is so overcome upon being told it is a beautiful day that he has to sit down © AFP

1. "It's a beautiful day to play cricket"
What with global warming, pollution and the abysmal quality of sunshine most parts of the cricket-playing world get, it's hardly ever a beautiful day to play cricket. Unless, of course, you happen to be in Australia. In which case, it's nearly always a beautiful day to play cricket. Sadly, most of us aren't.

2. Calling MS Dhoni "unflappable" and "calm"
We don't want to hear those words again. We want you to use your imagination and find other words to describe Dhoni. But since you're obviously incapable of that, we urge you to get yourself a thesaurus. And no, we shan't be unflappable and cool about it.

3. "What _______ need now is a wicket"
It's quite palpable to cricket watchers that once a partnership develops between two batsmen what the bowling side needs is a wicket. Your time and vocal chords would be better utilised if you told us other things. Fortunately for you, cricket is rich with statistics, stories and bits of engaging trivia, which you are encouraged to regale us with instead of stating the bleeding obvious.

4. "That was unnecessary"
In hindsight, when something doesn't come off, it's very easy to criticise. Please understand this: cricket is a game of inches. It doesn't take much to separate an embarrassing dismissal from a cracking shot off the meat of the bat. And while we're at it, stay away from "cracking". It, too, is a tad overused.

5. "________ has come to the party"
Cricket might indeed be a celebration of many fine things, but we've just about had it up to here with players gatecrashing parties. We'd like to make one thing very clear: the party is over. There are other ways to, pardon the cliché, express yourself.

© Cricinfo

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