The greatest love of all
England's finest South African import is a man who has found eternal truth in a certain Whitney Houston song
© A Bellyful of Dreams Entertainment
KP, Kev, Kapes, The Chicken Man (© the late Bob Woolmer, from: "Shoaib, leave the chicken man alone")
In a nutshell
Shot-a-minute, switch-hitting superstar who abandoned his native land for fame, fortune, the love of a pop starlet, many tattoos, and being cricket's Dave Beckham (in the Posh role: Jessica Taylor, formerly of Liberty X). Like the story of the prodigal son told by a Bollywood producer, minus the cautionary ending.
Be South African, be legendary for his rubbish catching, have a spray-painted rodent on his head, date a girl called Caprice, be given to lurid displays of badge-kissing upon reaching a batting landmark.
So he's British now?
You better believe it. He may not do self-deprecation, but he has spoken in favour of that noble British institution, the TV dance show. He recently asked for permission to nip back home while on the West Indies tour to watch his wife compete in one.
Shot he invented
Any other bird connections?
He's made eight ducks in international cricket.
Gets along well with
Blond showboating spin sensation Shane Warne (used to, at any rate), and bling-laden cool dude Chris Gayle. Wonder what the attraction is.
"Shaaaaaades of Vivian Richards there," Bob Willis memorably and repeatedly caterwauled of Pietersen in 2005.
Ringing endorsement II
KP was once reportedly paid £50,000 to wear diamonds in a Test match.
Least likely to
Turn up in an ad for South African tourism.
Most likely to
Star in The Kev and Jess Show, an all-singing, all-dancing extravaganza, in the year 2016.
Anything, as long as it is red, is a convertible, has vanity plates, and is made by Ferrari.
Favourite holiday spot
The hall of mirrors in the Palace of Versailles
To feel loved, which is why he has vowed never to be away from his wife for 11 weeks, like he had to be this season.
Last time we're reasonably sure he felt loved
Back in July last year, after he made a hundred against South Africa at Lord's. To prove it, he said, "I feel so, so loved."
Next time he'll feel loved
Not for about another 10 days, during which crowds all over South Africa will get stuck into him for being an ingrate and a traitor, while he captains a bottom-feeder team that contains at least five players from South Africa.
Last time he flew into a towering rage
At a performance of Othello, before someone told him the word was "moor".
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