Wish upon a star
Ten celebrities we'd like to see associate themselves with the IPL
If it's inspiring speeches you need, yes he can. Get him to stand outside the not-quite-sold-out stadiums and talk about his unyielding faith in the decency and generosity of the American people …er, the South African people, and watch as the stands get packed with sobbing fans and Oprah.
We've heard of how the PA announcers have been taking on the commentators' roles, dishing out unfriendly advice to the players. Wouldn't "Judge Dread" Cowell really get the crowd going, sighing into the microphone, "It's a bit like watching a ship sink" as the runs dry up?
That magic phrase she has copyrighted will boost the tournament's TRPs more than a joint musical by all the Bollywood celebrities associated with the IPL.
Anchor: Paris!!!! What's the IPL been like for you?
Hilton: It's hot.
After that, Ravi Shastri can look for a new job.
If the IPL really wants to get back to its 2008 glory days, we need the Special One, because in times of trouble one megalomaniac just isn't enough. Mr Modi, could you scoot over and make place for José? He also likes to slap people, so he'll feel right at home here.
What could the King of Pop bring to the IPL? Controversy involving some of the Under-23 players, perhaps? Racial harmony? Chimps who could do pitch reports? A moonwalk competition to replace that silly Bollywood beauty hunt?
Okay, so he's not a "real" person, but wouldn't it bring all the nerds in if you said the Dark Lord was going to be there? Put him in a VIP box with his evil cronies and watch the fun as they put a Cruciatus curse on those who drop catches and a body-binding one on Danny Morrison. That would also take care of the pre-game entertainment.
He made an appearance at the IPL's opening ceremony, and he'd be best suited to give pre-game pep talks. To your opponents. "You gotta ask yourself one question? Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?" Even big, bad Matty Hayden would gibber like a baboon after that. And when Ravi Shastri spits into the mike welcoming Eastwood and South Africa to yet another toss: "I've got a statement for you… your mouthwash ain't making it."
Sanath Jayasuriya and Sachin Tendulkar have proved it but Mick Jagger's appearance at the IPL would dispel all doubts about Twenty20 being a young man's game. Give him the roving-reporter job and see if he can't get the fans to gyrate their hips and pout their lips till the cheerleaders are out of jobs. Jagger once said his moves on stage were quite like a "striptease dance". Now wouldn't that class up the IPL some?
A little French haute couture never hurt anyone. Mademoiselle Sarkozy would certainly bring European posh into the IPL, with her Dior outfits outdoing Ms Zinta and Ms Shetty's Chanel sunglasses by a mile. Sarkozy would also do us a huge favour if she could get a big-name couturier to design Kolkata's uniform next year, replacing the bling with belle epoque.
Time to bring some real royalty into the IPL. And with Prince Charles you wouldn't just get a regal wave or two but also some much-needed awareness on organic farming. Yes, that's right, Britain's heir apparent will insist the pitches be grassed in an environmentally-friendly manner, thus bringing a touch of social consciousness to the extravaganza.
Nishi Narayanan is a staff writer at Cricinfo
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