Thirteen from two
A baker's dozen of things the second season of the IPL taught us
1. You can tell what a team are thinking, and then expound authoritatively on the subject, by standing 12 feet away from them by the side of the dugout and looking at the camera conspiratorially.
Thank you: Robin Jackman
2. If you manage to buy two Englishmen, whose services you then proceed to not use, you need to celebrate by changing your team uniforms to as close an approximation of the England national side's as possible.
Thank you: Delhi Daredevils.
3. Bangalore is not a partying team. "The team is not a partying team unlike a couple of other teams," their coach said, and he's no loose cannon, as we all know. So much for the side being good brand ambassadors for their owner.
Thank you: Ray Jennings.
4. The pitches in South Africa are a little less batsman-friendly than those in India. Gasp, shock, horror.
Thank you: God.
5. If you shout "It's Super Sunday, South Africa, are you ready?" loud enough, people will think you're Bono. Or a demented circus announcer.
Thank you: Ravi Shastri.
6. If you shout "Malinga!" loud enough, you can sound like a samurai warrior.
Thank you: Ravi Shastri.
7. When you replace Brendon McCullum behind the stumps, you need to do so with a keeper, Morne van Wyk, who looks as much as him as possible, to get up Sourav Ganguly's nose presumably.
Thank you: John Buchanan.
8. Lurid silver-coloured pads will earn much less derision than lurid gold-coloured ones.
Thank you: Kings XI Punjab.
9. Those manhattan graphs on the telecasts are actually giving viewers the finger. Look at them, especially when there's a dismissal during a high-scoring over - the wicket indicators look like bits of election ink (cunningly cueing in to a current Indian hot topic).
Thank you: Set Max.
10. Those Rajasthan Royals make a racket, don't they? Like 11 wicketkeepers, shrieking and squalling for all they're worth. Narrowly beat the Vodafone critters into second place as the people you'd least like to be trapped in a lift with.
Thank you: stump mics.
11. South Africa is not quite an equal-opportunity employer of cheerpersons. How else to explain the absence this year of cheerlads, or whatever they're called, who were amply present during the first season?
Thank you: India.
12. There's a new Dean Jones in town, and he's got dreadlocks. Heard more "Awwww"s than usual for a purportedly Jones-free event?
Thank you: Pommie Mbangwa.
13. Ricky Ponting has lost his title as the person you'd least want to shake hands with on a cricket field. Step up, the World's Most Troubled Man, who in the final took time off from giving lip like it was an Olympic sport to deposit an unseemly amount of spittle on his palms - or give a convincing impression of doing so, at any rate - and then rub them together. That'll be the closest he'll come to being Australia captain, then.
Thank you: Andrew Symonds.
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