We're continuing our investigations, and when we find who did it we are stringing them up by his ding-dang-doos and we're chopping them off.

Dec 29, 2006 Tweet | Share

We never imagined this fat, podgy kid ... would end up as one of the world's best bowlers.

Dec 27, 2006 Tweet | Share

When me and Lamby were playing we weren't to be seen done up like a couple of pox-doctors' clerks prancing about. No way!

Dec 26, 2006 Tweet | Share

For a few mad seconds I thought, mates or not, I'm never going to speak to that dickhead again.

Dec 25, 2006 Tweet | Share

Like our England have Fart of the Day, South Australia have Muff of the Day.

Dec 24, 2006 Tweet | Share

I know the sport is huge here. I follow it myself."

Dec 24, 2006 Tweet | Share

I am starting to breathe again after the swell of the last two hours. I'll have a few drinks and a few smokes afterwards, and take it from there."

Dec 23, 2006 Tweet | Share

When I told my children I was retiring, they got a bit disappointed because they didn't think I was going to play backyard cricket with them. They said, 'Can you still play with us?' I said 'I can'.

Dec 22, 2006 Tweet | Share

He's not that good. He tends to just start with a four-letter word and then says a load of nonsense.

Dec 21, 2006 Tweet | Share

We hope the white ball is clearer to see.

Dec 20, 2006 Tweet | Share

From our point of view the people criticising now are the ones who run with the foxes and hunt with the hounds. All we can do is run with the fox.

Dec 19, 2006 Tweet | Share

Mate, unbelievable. Australia, you bloody beauty! Sensational!

Dec 18, 2006 Tweet | Share

He carried on like a small child whose mother would have smacked him.

Dec 17, 2006 Tweet | Share

They didn't even read it. They are all biased. There is no misappropriation. It is only their misinterpretation.

Dec 16, 2006 Tweet | Share

Jones was pathetic. His mental attitude to Test-match cricket at the moment is shocking. He's just getting out in some ridiculous ways.

Dec 15, 2006 Tweet | Share

Get me out of here as soon as you can.

Dec 13, 2006 Tweet | Share

I am not Shane Warne or Muttiah Muralitharan, but what I can promise is that I will try my very best for England.

Dec 11, 2006 Tweet | Share

My best assessment would be, 'What a joke!' I signed up for 'priority' ticketing and have nothing. The whole Australian Cricket Family exercise has been useless.

Nov 2, 2006 Tweet | Share

You can't bring it back ... it's gone. I'll just spend the next 20 years worrying about it.

Nov 1, 2006 Tweet | Share

Shane Warne sounds like he is constipated.

Oct 31, 2006 Tweet | Share

I got my teeth cleaned because as you know I have a beautiful smile and I have to look after my teeth.

Oct 30, 2006 Tweet | Share

I was wearing a very boring suit and looked every inch the bean-counter I am. It is not as if I was unshaven and looked dangerous.

Oct 29, 2006 Tweet | Share

I just close my eyes and wang it down.

Oct 28, 2006 Tweet | Share

He is very polite, extremely enthusiastic and tells me that he is a particular fan of mine since he lives in my part of the world. He comes from Kent. He thinks I'm Geraint. Must make a bigger impression.

Oct 27, 2006 Tweet | Share

If this bloke's a Test match bowler than my backside is a fire engine.

Oct 26, 2006 Tweet | Share

It's back to old-style cricket ... turgid cricket.

Oct 23, 2006 Tweet | Share

Fred could take three of the Aussies down, Steve Harmison would get stuck into two, I could take one ... but they've got some big guys in their squad.

Oct 22, 2006 Tweet | Share

We were a marriage made in heaven. He used to like to bowl all day in the nets, and I used to like to bat all day.

Oct 21, 2006 Tweet | Share

We're a nation of sports nuts and piss-takers and all I've done is combine the two.

Oct 20, 2006 Tweet | Share

I'm a professional musician who plays the trumpet for a living, not some drunk trying to play the 'Last Post' on a didgeridoo.

Oct 19, 2006 Tweet | Share

If he's not talking about the flipper it's the zooter, the slider, or the wrong 'un. He'll shortly start working on a ball that loops the loop, disappears down his trouser leg, and whistles 'Waltzing Matilda' before rattling into the stumps.

Oct 17, 2006 Tweet | Share

You tried to start the wave and that's not allowed. We don't muck around up here.

A police officer gets heavy-handed when dealing with two Australia fans, Luke Cassidy and Paul Resnikoff, who committed the despicable crime of trying to start a Mexican wave at the Gabba

Oct 17, 2006 Tweet | Share

I remember when someone asked me for my autograph and when I went over they slapped a minced beef and onion pie on my head.

Phil Tufnell with some affectionate memories of playing cricket in Australia

Oct 16, 2006 Tweet | Share

I don't care if Tony Blair or Robbie Williams bowl me the first ball of the Ashes series - all my team-mates and I care about is winning back the Ashes

Justin Langer is raring to go

Oct 15, 2006 Tweet | Share

I don't think there's too much racist about that."

James Sutherland, Cricket Australia's chief executive, when asked if a spectator allegedly calling Monty Panesar a "stupid Indian" was unacceptable

Oct 11, 2006 Tweet | Share

Mercy ... it is getting just too boring.

Oct 10, 2006 Tweet | Share

International cricket brings in millions of pounds and there is no way the game's administrators will stop their money-grabbing ways. It means players are being worked into the ground and the burden of playing non-stop cricket is taking its toll.

Blunt talking from Geoff Boycott ... and with more than a hundred Test appearances to his name, he speaks from experience

Oct 9, 2006 Tweet | Share

We've got Stuart MacGill sitting in the dressing room, so if all else fails we just bring him and Warnie out and I'm sure the Pommies ... they'll all be going home with depression.

Tact and sympathy from Jeff Thomson

Oct 8, 2006 Tweet | Share

I can't cope, I want to go home.

Marcus Trescothick in his hotel room in Sydney

Oct 7, 2006 Tweet | Share

A nation that recently dismissed an accredited international tournament as an irrelevance dared to treat a state team with a proud tradition as a mere plaything.

An unhappy Peter Roebuck reflects on England's approach to the tour match against New South Wales

Oct 6, 2006 Tweet | Share