Ponting's men embark on flight of madness

Ricky Ponting and his men might just have begun a tour they'll regret © Getty Images Enlarge

Australians with a mad passion for cricket are pretending it's not happening. Australians with a passing interest in the game are shaking their heads in disbelief. Australians who couldn't care less about cricket are mildly confused because, um, isn't this the footy season? At 10.05 this morning Ricky Ponting and his men boarded a plane for Zimbabwe. It's as if the world has gone completely bonkers.

Half an hour before checking in their bags Justin Langer and Jason Gillespie endured possibly the softest three-minute joint interview in breakfast TV annals. It was on Channel 9's Today Show ; Channel 9, of course, being the network with a fistful of opinionated former Australian captains on its payroll. Instead some amiable bloke called Tim Gilbert spearheaded the interrogation.

"I understand there's lots of turmoil there at the moment," Langer began, dead-batting Tim's opening gambit back to the bowler. "But it's a fantastic country. About 10 of us had a 13-hour train trip from Bulawayo to Victoria Falls last time - it was one of the great experiences of my life. So I'm really looking forward to getting back to that beautiful country."

There was a bit more of this, some blokey guffawing about poor old Murali, then a dollop of boys-will-be-boys banter about Dizzy's mullet. Finally Tim wished the lads all the best - "have a great time, enjoy your cricket over there" - and threw back to the host Steve Liebmann. "That's Justin Langer and Jason Gillespie, on their way to Zimbabwe," Tim beamed.

"Fantastic!" Steve beamed back.

Fantastic indeed! Thanks Tim. Thanks Justin. Thanks Steve.

Let's recap on exactly what all this means. The team will touch down in Harare tonight, fall into a deep sleep, then spend the next three days trying very hard neither to leave the hotel pool nor read a newspaper. On Monday they will commence a two-day tour match against Zimbabwe A, roughly equivalent in skill level to Footscray W. Then, over the following three weeks, they will play two Tests and three one-day games against Footscray's C-graders, otherwise masquerading as Zimbabwe's national XI.

At best, it will be gruesomely one-sided. At worst, it will be truly awfully excruciating. Then they'll come home, maybe feeling a bit sour about the whole business. There will be no joy, only shame and embarrassment and regret.

And let's recap on exactly what's happened in the past month. Zimbabwe's politicians hijacked Zimbabwe's selection committee. Whites were told to bugger off. Heath Streak went on strike. Fourteen white team-mates joined him. Streak and his 14 white team-mates were sacked for not "returning to work". (Is there anyone left, incidentally, who can remember a time when cricket was called cricket and not "work" - a five-day plaything of pay-TV networks, soft-drink companies and the like? And isn't that part of the reason we're in this whole slimy mess?)

Back home, meanwhile, Stuart MacGill announced there's no way he's setting foot in Zimbabwe. Nobody, not one team-mate, precisely zippo Australian cricketers, followed suit. The players said it was a matter for Cricket Australia. Cricket Australia said it was a matter for the ICC. The ICC said it was a matter for politicians. The politicians said it was a matter for the ICC. So nobody - except MacGill - did anything. And today a plane flew out from Sydney Airport.

Australia's cricketers might be trying not to read the newspapers right now but that hasn't stopped them from writing for them. In his column in The Australian this morning, Ponting devoted his first 12 paragraphs to discussing security issues (that old chestnut) and his fondness for Zimbabwe on past trips: "There was always plenty of freedom to dine out at restaurants or go on wildlife safaris." That kind of thing.

Then Ponting digressed. Australian players are "not oblivious to what is happening beyond the hotels, cricket grounds and airports" but ultimately "we are simply sportsmen, not politicians, and whatever our private feelings we have a duty to promote and enhance the game of cricket around the world".

Up to a point, skipper. Cricketers are entitled, should they wish, to turn a blind eye to rape, torture and murder: these comprise a valid but by no means overwhelming justification for cancelling a cricket tour of Zimbabwe. But Ponting has a "duty" to consider this. Had he grown up in Bulawayo or Harare, not Launceston, he'd have been sacked as captain last month because of the colour of his skin.

Too late now. The plane's gone. All we can do is pray for Tim May - currently in Dubai on a last-minute fix-it mission - in a way that we haven't prayed for May since the Adelaide Test of 1992-93, when he and Craig McDermott swished and scrambled 40 for the 10th wicket to put Australia within one run of knocking off the almighty Windies.

Knocking off the almighty Footscray 3rds promises to be less rewarding. Every hundred, every five-wicket haul will stand immortalised in Wisden not as an historical landmark but as a lasting reminder, a black cross. The Australian public love their cricketers for the way they play hard and score fast; we loved them for cleansweeping eight straight Ashes series and 16 straight Tests. This time around no record looks safe. This time it's going to be damn hard to love them.