Coming up smelling of roses

Who's the Boss? On Thursday morning, one of the most exciting announcements of the year was made. No, not the unveiling of England's 30-man provisional squad for the Champions Trophy, but the unveiling of BOSS male grooming products as an official partner of the England cricket team. "They're young, successful, dynamic and stylish, but most of all, they've got so much charisma," oozed Chris Chinaloy, the company's brand manager. "They really do embody everything we stand for." Andrew Strauss, as if he didn't have anything better to be getting on with, could barely contain his enthusiasm. "The players are excited to be associated ... with such an iconic brand in the world of male grooming," he trilled, while rippling his biceps through an alarmingly camp T-shirt. "It is flattering that the England cricket team are seen as a natural fit." Maybe that's why the hirsute Monty Panesar didn't make the Champions Trophy cut - he's not exactly a natural-born aftershave salesman.

If the Champions Trophy is coming up then it must be time for yet more spanners in the sponsorship works. This time, however, the joke is on the big corporations who have held previous tournaments to ransom, Coke and Pepsi, whose advertisements are currently banned by several state governments, including Gujarat. "It's a bit worrying for the ICC as Ahmedabad is one of the venues for the tournament," said a BCCI source. Pepsi is one of the tournament's official sponsors and has the right to sell its wares around the ground as well as display in-stadia ads during the Champions Trophy. Not without local say-so, it doesn't.

Absolutely fabulous, darling If there are endorsements up for grabs then Kevin Pietersen won't be far from the action. Sure enough, he was back on the prowl in Knightsbridge this week, as he and his popstar fiancée, Jessica Taylor, continued their one-couple mission to become cricket's equivalent of Wayne and Coleen. For the record, Kev and Jess spent the day at that most WAG-tastic of destinations, Harvey Nichols, "indulging in the latest fashion and beauty 'must haves' before retiring to the exclusive Fifth Floor for a well-deserved cocktail," simpered one of the more spurious press releases of the year. But how, pray, did they get there? "It couldn't be simpler," added the mystery wordsmith. "Flag down one of a complementary fleet of Volkswagen Eos, climb aboard and state 'take me to Harvey Nichols!'" Never mind Posh and Becks. It's all a bit Patsy and Edina, if you ask me.

Monty scores again For cricket fans, he's moved on from being a cult hero to a bone fide matchwinner, but Panesar's unabashed enthusiasm is making him a legend on the football terraces as well. After scoring the third goal during their 2-2 draw with Swansea on Tuesday, Scunthorpe United's striker Billy Sharp decided to "'do a Monty". Sharp told BBC Sport: "We had training in the morning and went back to one of the lads' houses. Three or four of us were watching the cricket and we found it funny what Monty was doing. We decided we would do the same - and obviously everyone enjoyed it." But, he added, "it's Monty's celebration so I will leave him to it now."

Flying back to fitness Forget oxygen tents. Shoaib Akhtar's rehabilitation involves putting the wind up schoolkids and lawyers, and then taking to the skies. This week, he continued his comeback from injury with a Midlands club match between Berkswell and St George's, Shropshire, where he took 2 for 10 in seven overs and tonked a quickfire 57. "We are an amateur club with amateur players. Half of them are teenagers and it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity," said Mike Waldron, St George's secretary, showing no hard feelings after a heavy beating. Soon, however, it was Shoaib's turn for that wide-eyed feeling, as he decamped to the East Midlands Flying School in Castle Donington, where for one hour he took the controls of a WW2 fighter plane. "It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience," he echoed. Those aeroplane celebrations will take on a new meaning from now on.

Strauss v Flintoff It's the question on everyone's lips - who should captain England in the Ashes? We may not yet have the definitive answer, but we do at least have a scientific one, courtesy of SFL, a leadership consultancy firm. The pair were given marks out of five on nine key criteria, from role-model status to situation awareness, and when the points were totted up the winner was ... Strauss, by 29.4 to 29.3 - the statistical-analysis equivalent of the Edgbaston Test. "Appointing Strauss will allow Flintoff to apply all his efforts to his bowling and batting," explained John Fay, SFL's managing director, "allowing him to strengthen his position as the world's best allrounder."

Orkney off-key Quite possibly the most northerly cricket match in the British Isles took place this week, as the Shetland Isles challenged their North Sea neighbours, the Orkneys, to a 50-over match in Lerwick. It was the first time in three years that the fixture had taken place, and it was an inauspicious day for the visitors, as they crawled to a dismal total of 36 in 30.4 overs on Shetland's newly-installed Astroturf wicket. "Shetland were the better team, but we were playing in damp conditions and it was a slow outfield," explained the captain, Duncan Clarke, who top-scored with 15. Craig Jenkins, who was lent to Orkney as they arrived a man short, chipped in with 13, in a total that included five ducks. Shetland rattled to victory in nine overs, losing just the one wicket along the way. The rematch, in Orkney, is eagerly awaited for next year.

Quotehanger "The terrorist has got another wicket ..." Oh dear, Deano. How does that old saying go? Better to keep your mouth shut and let people presume you are an idiot, than open it and confirm the fact beyond all doubt.