'I wish Gary was our coach'

	Yes, really, it's official © AFP Enlarge
Related Links Cartoons : Taking guard Hit or Miss : Sex please, we're batting The Heavy Ball : Sex, lies and a captain you can smoke News : Kirsten denies involvement in 'sex dossier' Players/Officials: Bishan Bedi | Chandu Borde | Michael Hussey | Gary Kirsten | Ricky Ponting | Andrew Strauss | Graeme Swann | Paddy Upton Teams: India Other links: Make love, not war

"I would just like to say that this is the sort of forward thinking the game needs. I am assuming the directive is not for sex to take place within the team and that partners are allowed to be involved. If the ICC want to make this tournament more exciting, then fly in the wives and girlfriends, or other parties, to improve the standard of cricket… I wish Gary was our coach."
Graeme Swann is excited by the possibilities

"I don't think we ever had anything about our sexual habits written down in a dossier, and I am pretty sure we won't get an advisory on that ever."
The pragmatic captain, Andrew Strauss, crushes Swann's hopes

"There is no doubt that sex increases your performance, provided it does not disturb players' sleep and has no negative influence."
Dr Ashok Ahuja, of the National Institute of Sports, Patiala, takes the practical view

"Is that in the team's vision statement? Hmmm. That is some vision. I really don't know what to say… you've caught me slightly off guard. Oh, I'm still blushing."
Ricky Ponting knows what to sledge the Indians about, when the two teams meet next week

"Both [Gary] Kirsten and [Paddy] Upton should be given honorary posts in the BCCI for their services. Like everyone, the players also need to have a normal life when they are touring with the team and sex is very much a part."
Clearly Bishan Bedi wouldn't have minded playing in this era

"Oh, I don't know about all this. I've been away from home for four months. I have forgotten how to do the stuff.'' Michael Hussey, who in the last four months has averaged a mortal 34.5 in Tests and 31.2 in ODIs (as compared to overall figures of 52.7 in both formats), is walking proof of the merit of the theory

"In our culture, we abstain from discussing our sex lives openly, which is why this has created a stir. But once you are in the ring, these things don't matter." Vijender Singh, Indian Olympic medal-winning boxer, gives the pugilist's perspective

"Not all the cricketers are single, and WAGs don't always travel on tour. Attitudes to sex are becoming more liberal, but it remains highly unlikely an adulterous cricketer could placate his seething bride by claiming 'the coach told me to do it!'"
Mike Norrish in the Telegraph empathises with the likes of Hussey

"This is a completely new thing to me. I have never come across a theory like this. However, the times have changed now."
Chandu Borde, former India batsman and chairman of selectors, is scandalised

"A good performance in an indoor sport can lead to a fantastic performance in an outdoor sport.''
Sexologist Prakash Kothari provides one of the first of the many inevitable bad jokes