December 1, 2011

What I heard about the cricket

The season's begun in Australia, and there's plenty of talk about the game
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Cricket's back today, and in the nine-day hole between the last two-Test series ending and a new two-Test series beginning I heard James Sutherland, chief executive officer of Cricket Australia, field questions from cricket fans. I heard a fan say there's a large discontent in Australia with the way teams get picked and things get misadministered, and with how the administrators don't listen to the fans. I heard the fan wonder if Cricket Australia is aware of this.

I heard James Sutherland say: "I think there are peaks and troughs, I suppose, in that regard."

I heard the sinews and veins in Mitchell Johnson's biceps are so taut he can bounce coins off them.

I heard Johnson won't play in this week's Gabba Test because his left big toe is swollen.

I heard that another fast bowler, Pat Cummins, is so new his team-mates have nicknamed him "Cummo" till they have time to invent something more poignant.

I heard a third fast bowler, Ryan Harris, say: "Two-Test series, in my point of view, are pointless."

I heard that cricket played over five Tests is cricket at its purest and richest, giving space for plot and twists and narrative, summoning the best out of the cricketers not only as cricketers but as men too.

I heard that after Australia's cricketers finish this two-Test series there'll be a four-Test series, then a three-Test series, then two more three-Test series.

I heard that the cricketers of today aren't in fact cricketers at all; they're more correctly termed "athletes".

I heard that Johnson, Cummins and Harris all have injuries and won't play at the Gabba this week.

In Lazarus Rising, the ex-prime minister John Howard's autobiography, Howard declares: "I knew the names of Bradman, Lindwall and Miller before I learned the name Menzies." Six hundred pages later I heard Howard say: "Cricket retains pride of place as our national game, with the Boxing Day Test, traditionally held in Melbourne, having a special place in our sporting calendar."

I heard that the minute stumps are drawn at this summer's Boxing Day Test - on days two, three, four and five respectively - Cricket Australia is cross-scheduling Big Bash clashes between the Sixers and the Stars, the Strikers and the Hurricanes, the Scorchers and the Heat, and the Thunder and the Renegades.

The cricket books John Howard treasured most as a boy were Keith Miller's Straight Hit and Johnnie Moyes' A Century of Cricketers, published in 1950.

The cricket book I have treasured least was Mark Waugh's Mark Waugh: A Biography, published in 2002. It was co-written with James Knight, and sentences like the following one - "Mark collected four wickets in the drawn match, including 3-49 in the first innings" - were seven-a-page.

Last week I noticed radio announcer Alan Jones has written a foreword to Brett Lee's new book, and I heard Jones say of the book: "I am delighted its co-writer is James Knight."

****

In July I heard that an eight-team Twenty20 competition was launched in the inner-city suburbs of Sydney, where men clad in white have played cricket since 1803. I heard that the Sydney Thunder players rode in astride Harley-Davidsons. I heard that the pink-shirted Sydney Sixers stepped out of a pink Hummer limo. I heard that break-dancing and graffiti exhibitions were staged on the floor and the walls, that cheerleaders mixed the drinks from behind stainless steel bartops, that the eight captains stood on a stage in the company of their own multicoloured holograms.

I heard Brett Lee say: "Yeah, it's great, look, it's all about having fun, very colourful, wearing magenta - not pink - we did come in a pink Hummer, though, which was a lot of fun. But yeah, look, it's brilliant."

I heard Matthew Hayden say: "It's all about engaging our fans."

I heard the emcee say: "On December 16, Australian sport enters an exciting new era… The new phenomenon, this year's sports entertainment revolution, ladies and gentlemen, the KFC T20 Big Bash Leeeague."

Twenty or so years ago Imran Khan said to the Pakistani writer Tariq Ali: "People like you have no idea what it is to be a sportsman. Our careers end in our thirties. We have to think of something new to do."

In October, Imran, aged 59, pulled a 100,000-strong crowd at a rally in Lahore, where he promised to fight corruption, improve the electricity supply, stop Pakistan's soldiers from doing America's bidding, reduce reliance on foreign aid, and fix his country's tax system. He said: "Declare your assets or face the wrath of the people."

In November, Dean Jones, aged 50, wrote in his Saturday column: "In Katich's last seven innings, he averaged only 29. I averaged over 85 from my last seven hits."

I heard James Sutherland say: "World cricket is so much better off for the interest that 1.2 billion Indians have in the game."

I heard James Sutherland add: "Also, I suppose the commercial aspect of the returns that come out of the Indian market, we all need to be cognisant of that."

I heard that the Sheffield Shield competition is the pinnacle of domestic cricket, the envy of the world, the dreaming place of Trumper, Darling, Noble.

I heard there'll be no Sheffield Shield matches for eight weeks between December 9 and February 2. I heard this is unprecedented, except in wartime.

I heard 31 Big Bash matches will be played during that period.

I heard an ad man, Ben Coulson, say of the Big Bash TV ad he created: "We think it's a fantastic, big, glamorous, colourful, really cool entertainment kinda-ad-slash-video-clip about a brand new version of cricket."

I heard Marcus North, captain of the Perth Scorchers, predict: "The WACA will turn orange and hopefully we'll turn it into a furnace."

In Adelaide, I heard, they're turning the oval into an arena. I heard that cranes and bulldozers will be camped in the shadows of the fig trees, the 100-year-old scoreboard and the cathedral of St Peter's. I heard: "The new design has exceeded the Australian design standards for stadium toilet facilities by 20%." I heard $550 million will help "create a recreational dynamic that will allow the people of Adelaide and their visitors to enjoy - in their thousands - the River Bank Precinct". I heard the old turf pitch is being dug up. I heard portable drop-in strips that don't require year-round watering and nurturing will be used instead. I heard the ground will still be known as Adelaide Oval but the names of the bars, grandstands, viewing boxes and other amenities are up for grabs to the highest bidder.

"The only one that we would like to keep is George Giffen and the old Giffen Stand," I heard the local association president Ian McLachlan say.

****

In 2010 I saw these words of Christopher Hitchens. "Listen: the paper has a whole separate section devoted to people who want to degrade the act of reading by staring enthusiastically at the outcomes of sporting events that occurred the previous day… All I ask is that they keep out of the grown-up parts of the paper."

I heard Brad Haddin has been named fill-in vice-captain. A TV interviewer asked Haddin who was Australia's first prime minister. I heard several seconds go by in silence, then I heard Haddin say: "Nup."

Last cricket summer, Greg Baum's match reports of the five Ashes Tests made the Age front page 17 times.

In August the Argus rescue report into Australian cricket was released, its goals many and well-meaning: to "position the Australian Cricket Team to return to leadership in all three formats"; for "cricket to be Australia's favourite sport"; to overhaul the "sub-optimal incentive structure"; to adopt the "matrix management structure proposed [which] facilitates open collaborative discussion to achieve the desired outcomes".

A new job title - team performance manager - was coined. Fifteen seconds into Pat Howard's inaugural press conference I heard him say: "But, look, I have a great interest in cricket, I love the game, but at the same stage I do have a high-performance background."

Fifteen seconds after that I heard him say: "In the meantime I'll be working very closely with James at Cricket Australia to get processes underway to keep moving forward on the plan that we've got going."

And then he said: "I had a quick phone call with Michael Clarke earlier just to introduce myself, nothing more, just to be able to try and engage with the community. At this stage, it's all perception."

I heard Mickey Arthur, the new team coach, say: "I'm all about squad and not team."

I heard Usman Khawaja, a newish batsman, say: "I just have to go out there and make sure I control the uncontrollables."

In a fresh innovation, the Australian team captain will now sit on the selection panel, which has prompted a small minority to query whether a conflict of interest might arise should the captain bat or bowl so feebly that his own selection falls under scrutiny.

I heard James Sutherland say: "Down the track… Heaven forbid… The simple format there would be that the captain would be excluded from those discussions… Let's hope it doesn't come to that."

I heard that John Inverarity, the new full-time head selector, has a plain-talking way with words and an inquisitive, sophisticated mind.

I heard Brad Haddin has been named fill-in vice-captain. A TV interviewer asked Haddin who was Australia's first prime minister. I heard several seconds go by in silence, then I heard Haddin say: "Nup."

I heard Shaun Tait say: "Winston Churchill?"

A friend telephoned wanting to know who was responsible for the decision to make Haddin vice-captain. "If Brad Haddin is vice-captaincy material," I heard my friend say, "who next?" Greg Matthews? Matthew Elliott? Eliot Weinberger?

I read that Mike Atherton, who led England to three series victories in 13 series as captain, was born in Failsworth.

Warren Bardsley, who opened Australia's batting till the age of 43, came from Nevertire.

Peter Roebuck was born in Oddington.

At a cricket club function on Saturday night I heard a first-class cricketer from Tasmania get asked if Twenty20 was "a crock of shit or what?", and he said: "I think so."

But the cricket's back today, in Brisbane. I hear the weather forecasters are forecasting rain, and thunder, then sun.

(Thanks to Eliot Weinberger for showing me how.)

Christian Ryan is a writer based in Melbourne. He is the author of Golden Boy: Kim Hughes and the Bad Old Days of Australian Cricket and, most recently Australia: Story of a Cricket Country

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • malomay on December 4, 2011, 23:15 GMT

    I heard a mate of mine describe listening to a session of play in the recent Test series vs South Africa as ...."despite not being able to see it and almost nothing happening it was some of the best cricket for a couple of years"......I agreed with him.

  • on December 4, 2011, 11:53 GMT

    James Sutherland should ask the 761,261 people that showed up to the Ashes Series this year if cricket needs to be fixed.

  • Claydo78 on December 3, 2011, 9:43 GMT

    The big bash league is a disaster waiting to happen! taking it away from the states is just ridiculous and i hope it falls on its bum! cricket is about tradition and history, which the sydney thunder and perth heat have none! Cricket players should be aspiring to wear the baggy green and all T20 has done is make a generation of players lazy and over paid! Hacks like tait and nennes retiring from the long form of the game in search of the all mighty dollars, good rid-dens to them!

  • on December 2, 2011, 9:51 GMT

    I won't be watching the big bash league. It just doesn't matter. It doesn't mean anything. It has no history, it lacks soul.

  • ygkd on December 2, 2011, 7:48 GMT

    I heard a first class player asked, this year, about how much he looked forward to the growing, wonderful influence of T20 in a gentle question and answer session. He said he was happy playing it and it was a challenge, but his eyes appeared to glaze over with the effort of trying to be diplomatic, only for them to spring back to life with a vengeance when he went on to describe his feelings about his test career. More articles like this and the game may yet come back to life as well.

  • on December 2, 2011, 2:45 GMT

    Great article Christian!! On the day that I heard James Sutherland's grand statement that his answer to fixing cricket (loaded term I know) was to make cricket the nation's number one sport, I went to KMart, Target, Dimmeys and and several other department stores to attempt to buy my son cricket pants; all of the no longer sell them. At this point I though that cricket really is in trouble. Sutherland's vision is so flawed that it's laughable. Was the Argus Report all about appearances?

  • Number_5 on December 1, 2011, 22:01 GMT

    Very Clever man. There is a common theme running through all of this. Big Bash, Two Test series, The desecration of one of the worlds truly great sporting ovals into a half arsed attempt to build a stadium, the less articulate publications of some of our ex cricketing heroes biographies and the seemingly unchecked conduct of the games new custodian. the evil dollar. Well written Mr Ryan.

  • Nerk on December 1, 2011, 21:43 GMT

    The Big Bash League comes out of marketing people in suits, who have never played the game, swanning about in tall office buildings handing files in manila folders to each other. And it comes out of administrators with dollar signs for eyes. The BBL has been created for all the wrong reasons, it has been created the wrong way. If they kept it state vs. state it may have had a chance, but people are unlikely to cheer for teams called the Sydney Thunder. I give it five years at most.

  • JKCRICKET on December 1, 2011, 20:13 GMT

    Thank you Mr. Ryan for giving us such valuable information about the sophistication in Big Bash to "engage fans". I hope all those, whose insides churn at the mere mention of IPL (including the entire Cricinfo staff), will remember this when their resume mocking at "unsophisticated" IPL which is so bad for international cricket!

  • WeeBee on December 1, 2011, 18:05 GMT

    You hear alot ...! hmmm not good manner

  • malomay on December 4, 2011, 23:15 GMT

    I heard a mate of mine describe listening to a session of play in the recent Test series vs South Africa as ...."despite not being able to see it and almost nothing happening it was some of the best cricket for a couple of years"......I agreed with him.

  • on December 4, 2011, 11:53 GMT

    James Sutherland should ask the 761,261 people that showed up to the Ashes Series this year if cricket needs to be fixed.

  • Claydo78 on December 3, 2011, 9:43 GMT

    The big bash league is a disaster waiting to happen! taking it away from the states is just ridiculous and i hope it falls on its bum! cricket is about tradition and history, which the sydney thunder and perth heat have none! Cricket players should be aspiring to wear the baggy green and all T20 has done is make a generation of players lazy and over paid! Hacks like tait and nennes retiring from the long form of the game in search of the all mighty dollars, good rid-dens to them!

  • on December 2, 2011, 9:51 GMT

    I won't be watching the big bash league. It just doesn't matter. It doesn't mean anything. It has no history, it lacks soul.

  • ygkd on December 2, 2011, 7:48 GMT

    I heard a first class player asked, this year, about how much he looked forward to the growing, wonderful influence of T20 in a gentle question and answer session. He said he was happy playing it and it was a challenge, but his eyes appeared to glaze over with the effort of trying to be diplomatic, only for them to spring back to life with a vengeance when he went on to describe his feelings about his test career. More articles like this and the game may yet come back to life as well.

  • on December 2, 2011, 2:45 GMT

    Great article Christian!! On the day that I heard James Sutherland's grand statement that his answer to fixing cricket (loaded term I know) was to make cricket the nation's number one sport, I went to KMart, Target, Dimmeys and and several other department stores to attempt to buy my son cricket pants; all of the no longer sell them. At this point I though that cricket really is in trouble. Sutherland's vision is so flawed that it's laughable. Was the Argus Report all about appearances?

  • Number_5 on December 1, 2011, 22:01 GMT

    Very Clever man. There is a common theme running through all of this. Big Bash, Two Test series, The desecration of one of the worlds truly great sporting ovals into a half arsed attempt to build a stadium, the less articulate publications of some of our ex cricketing heroes biographies and the seemingly unchecked conduct of the games new custodian. the evil dollar. Well written Mr Ryan.

  • Nerk on December 1, 2011, 21:43 GMT

    The Big Bash League comes out of marketing people in suits, who have never played the game, swanning about in tall office buildings handing files in manila folders to each other. And it comes out of administrators with dollar signs for eyes. The BBL has been created for all the wrong reasons, it has been created the wrong way. If they kept it state vs. state it may have had a chance, but people are unlikely to cheer for teams called the Sydney Thunder. I give it five years at most.

  • JKCRICKET on December 1, 2011, 20:13 GMT

    Thank you Mr. Ryan for giving us such valuable information about the sophistication in Big Bash to "engage fans". I hope all those, whose insides churn at the mere mention of IPL (including the entire Cricinfo staff), will remember this when their resume mocking at "unsophisticated" IPL which is so bad for international cricket!

  • WeeBee on December 1, 2011, 18:05 GMT

    You hear alot ...! hmmm not good manner

  • jonesy2 on December 1, 2011, 14:37 GMT

    are their actually less shield games or are they just being moved around the schedule?

  • Smithie on December 1, 2011, 13:53 GMT

    Common Christian stir the pot on DRS !

  • o-bomb on December 1, 2011, 13:20 GMT

    Really? No Sheffield Shield cricket for 8 weeks in the middle of the summer? So what happens if a couple of players pick up injuries during the Melbourne test? What happens is nobody has been playing first class cricket for a month so nobody is well enough prepared to step in for the next test match. It sounds like what the ECB have been (foolishly) doing for the last few years, but getting away with. Sooner or later it'll bite someone on the bum and a test side will be weakened due to the lack of ready replacements.

  • dwblurb on December 1, 2011, 11:27 GMT

    I heard someone say that Christian Ryan is a competent cricket writer.

    No, just joking.

  • Clyde on December 1, 2011, 11:07 GMT

    I guess they are two teams of very bad cricketers, on average, but you would have thought they would have known you had to wait a few sessions to get used to the pitch and get your eye in before swinging the bat like the New Zealand top order did. I remember players who were determined to score a hundred and did. What is it about the cricket environment that is so well coverd by Mr Ryan that so loves the notion of calibrated automatons that have all sense of play knocked out of them? Why is it blatantly suggested a 'player' should be selected not because he is the best available but because he might come good in the never-never? The corruption of many Australian cricket minds is too subtle to be picked up by these minds. Let's return to the gentleman player as soon as possible. If Johnson were allowed to be a player instead of a 'superb athlete' I am sure he would put a lot more on the stumps. As we saw against New Zealand being on the stumps is now almost impossible.

  • Smithie on December 1, 2011, 10:52 GMT

    And nobody said anything about the Indians black balling DRS for the vital upcoming series? Apparently all Elite ICC umpires favour it' s use in full. The series deserves better and should not be held to ransome just because Srinivasan, Dhoni and Tendulkar don't like DRS. Hopefully after the latter gets his talismanic 100th 100 he will change his tune on DRS. CA, Australian journalists and Aus cricket fans should not have put up with the BCCI games surrounding FULL DRS. Time for the ICC to make DRS mandatory for all international matches!

  • Gizza on December 1, 2011, 10:40 GMT

    There are plenty of gems in this piece but there are also quite a few quotes that (in the context you added them to the article) go too far. Who cares whether a modern Australian international knows who Edmund Barton was or for that matter any other historical figure? It shouldn't matter even if their non-cricketing IQ was zero. Their job is to play cricket so let's leave it at that. And your rant about the reduced number of Tests in the series is also a little too late. Granted, the recent two-Test thing was shambolic but the last time Australia played a non-Ashes series for 5 tests was in 2000-01 against the Windies which was a one-sided whitewash. And no matter how long it is a one-sided whitewash is not the form of game "purest and richest, giving space for plot and twists and narrative". Your Mickey Arthur quote is out of context. He wants to build depth so when one of the best XI gets injured, the bloke coming into the team is almost as good and fits into the team well.

  • HatsforBats on December 1, 2011, 10:29 GMT

    Wow. So sad. This is the first I'd heard of the shield games being post-poned for BBL games. What good has the Argus review done if the Sheffield Shield is seemingly being put out to pasture? Hopefully players like Warner become test success stories and the love affair with the T20 dollar dies a quick death.

  • PeteB on December 1, 2011, 10:14 GMT

    I'm in interested in cricket, Cricket Australia is interested in money.

  • christy29 on December 1, 2011, 9:16 GMT

    you must have some damn good hearing but i didn't most of this.

  • unregisteredalien on December 1, 2011, 6:32 GMT

    Great job. Thought provoking. I hope they're listening but, sadly, I'm sure they're not.

  • on December 1, 2011, 6:27 GMT

    I am suing the author for broken limbs and jaw, falling off the chair after reading this article. My doctor clearly told me that it is dangerous to laugh and that I should consult my lawyer for "No Labels" on the article. I heard that we've more lawyers in the country than clients!

  • bobagorof on December 1, 2011, 6:11 GMT

    "In a fresh innovation, the Australian team captain will now sit on the selection panel, which has prompted a small minority to query whether a conflict of interest might arise should the captain bat or bowl so feebly that his own selection falls under scrutiny. " I would like to point out that this situation had been the case for the last few years of Ponting's capataincy.. it's just that his role as a selector was never formalised.

  • Dashgar on December 1, 2011, 5:32 GMT

    Brilliant Ryan. Great read

  • fleetwood-smith on December 1, 2011, 5:23 GMT

    A whole lot of questions without answers. As a long time cricket player and watcher, I also have to ask: what the hell are they doing to my game?

  • Force01 on December 1, 2011, 5:01 GMT

    Brilliant satire Ryan. Especially loved Sutherland's addendum!

  • on December 1, 2011, 4:27 GMT

    Simply brilliant Ryan. One of the best reads on cricket in a very long time.

  • on December 1, 2011, 4:12 GMT

    lOVELY PIECE,Mr.Ryan!Cricket n Australia..always think they r Pioneers,revolutionaries,upfront and aggressive,Beer lovers,placard pundits,unique colourful noisy crowd to create an ambience,Hard nosed fighters,lovely set of Commentators,superb analytical Coverage,..and above all trusted faithfuls of their own team always!Hard yakka n the outbacks sums it up aptly i guess!India got to rock up and stay n the trenches and SCRAP BIGTIME!

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  • on December 1, 2011, 4:12 GMT

    lOVELY PIECE,Mr.Ryan!Cricket n Australia..always think they r Pioneers,revolutionaries,upfront and aggressive,Beer lovers,placard pundits,unique colourful noisy crowd to create an ambience,Hard nosed fighters,lovely set of Commentators,superb analytical Coverage,..and above all trusted faithfuls of their own team always!Hard yakka n the outbacks sums it up aptly i guess!India got to rock up and stay n the trenches and SCRAP BIGTIME!

  • on December 1, 2011, 4:27 GMT

    Simply brilliant Ryan. One of the best reads on cricket in a very long time.

  • Force01 on December 1, 2011, 5:01 GMT

    Brilliant satire Ryan. Especially loved Sutherland's addendum!

  • fleetwood-smith on December 1, 2011, 5:23 GMT

    A whole lot of questions without answers. As a long time cricket player and watcher, I also have to ask: what the hell are they doing to my game?

  • Dashgar on December 1, 2011, 5:32 GMT

    Brilliant Ryan. Great read

  • bobagorof on December 1, 2011, 6:11 GMT

    "In a fresh innovation, the Australian team captain will now sit on the selection panel, which has prompted a small minority to query whether a conflict of interest might arise should the captain bat or bowl so feebly that his own selection falls under scrutiny. " I would like to point out that this situation had been the case for the last few years of Ponting's capataincy.. it's just that his role as a selector was never formalised.

  • on December 1, 2011, 6:27 GMT

    I am suing the author for broken limbs and jaw, falling off the chair after reading this article. My doctor clearly told me that it is dangerous to laugh and that I should consult my lawyer for "No Labels" on the article. I heard that we've more lawyers in the country than clients!

  • unregisteredalien on December 1, 2011, 6:32 GMT

    Great job. Thought provoking. I hope they're listening but, sadly, I'm sure they're not.

  • christy29 on December 1, 2011, 9:16 GMT

    you must have some damn good hearing but i didn't most of this.

  • PeteB on December 1, 2011, 10:14 GMT

    I'm in interested in cricket, Cricket Australia is interested in money.