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England need to up their post-match game

Nine Tests to go is no time to be sitting on your laurels, presentation talk-wise

Dave Podmore

July 17, 2013

Comments: 6 | Text size: A | A

BBC <i>Test Match Special</i>'s Phil Tufnell, Jonathan Agnew and Henry Moeran (from left) sit by the boundary, first Test, England v Australia, Trent Bridge, July 14, 2013
Phil Tufnell: that's right, you'd better hang your head © Getty Images
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Players/Officials: Ian Bell | Phil Tufnell
Teams: England

Speaking as a guy who was once fined 85% of my match fee for taking too many positives out of a situation, Pod is well aware of the dangers of post-match interview euphoria - how stupid did I feel for saying I'd never smoke anything but Benson & Hedges after we won the bowl-out against Northants in the shed at Wantage Road in 1987. I still sometimes wake up in a muck sweat of embarrassment in the middle of the night, be it in a Novotel or the car. No way can you predict the future.

So quite simply, not getting carried away when you're standing in front of that Investec sponsors' board being given the three degrees by Ian Ward is omniportant. And Dave Podmore's going to take a bow for helping the lads do themselves justice after Trent Bridge. It all went well in the end, but believe me, it's been a long, hard road.

When the ECB first sent Ian Bell to me for a bit of coaching in his interview technique I had no idea what a mess the lad was in. In terms of post-match chat he was at the bottom of a conversational doldrum so deep I didn't think even James Cameron could have reached him in his submarine, let alone Dave Podmore. To be fair, it took me a week to get Belly to say "Yeah no." We started practising on the outfield at the National Performance Centre at Loughborough way back in April on a bitterly cold morning, the Red Bull condensing on my breath as I mentored the tongue-tied West Midlander.

It would have taken a Wordsworth or maybe a Mark Pougatch to do justice to the scene as the ground-staff lads painted over the Clydesdale boundary boards, while in the air was a smell of newly mown BetFair CashOut logos being cut into the outfield. I was stood behind a cardboard cut-out of Wardy serving up questions - really easy underarm stuff like "Have you drawn a line in the sand and moved on?" and "Are you in a good place right now?"

I've still got the train-wreck footage we took of some of Belly's early answers. "I'm happy with my technique but concerned about the broader issues such as the decline of sport in schools and the apparent monopoly Sky has on international cricket." It was heartbreaking stuff. There's a place for self-important holier-than-thou cobblers and it's called Facebook.

We reached rock bottom one desperate afternoon when he started going on about American TV being so much edgier than home-grown fare, e.g. Breaking Bad, The Wire etc. Pod kids you not, it was worse than listening to Ed Smith talking to Jeremy Coney between overs. But I gradually wore Belly down and changed his mindset by playing him tapes of my record-breaking 135 "You can't legislate for's" in a wide-ranging 4am chat with Goughy on TalkSport. The rest is Ashes post-match interview history.

So a good start to the campaign but we've been careful not to get complacent or to sit around on our laurels presentation-wise in the run-up to Lord's. There's still nine Tests to go, which means a lot of gaps to be filled, a lot of dead airtime while Erasmusy's successor in the third ump's room takes ten minutes to switch over from Cash in the Attic to the Hot Spot channel.

And we need to iron out some of the commentary wrinkles from Trent Bridge. Tuffers missed a golden opportunity to giggle hysterically for 20 minutes after Blowers lobbed him an absolute dolly of a double-entendre on a par with the legendary "leg over" blooper. Aggers tours the world with that - there's a DVD, there's a cake, there's a ringtone, there's an after-dinner speech in five languages, there's a range of trousers advertised in the back of the Radio Times, there's even talk of an opera starring Tim Brooke-Taylor at the Nottingham Playhouse.

Yet what does Tuffers do? Says "Never mind, let's move on, talk about the cricket." All those years of quality banter on A Question of Sport - "Is that a tennis racket Sue, or are you just pleased to see me?" - tossed recklessly out of the window. Some might call it a basic schoolboy humour error. To Pod's way of thinking, it was a complete lack of professionalism.

My question is, should Tuffers have walked? Pod's giving him the benefit of the doubt this time, but he must know there are guys like Fred Flintoff and Rob Key waiting in the wings, banter at the ready. Some of their post All Bar One exchanges on Twitter about having to read Shakespeare at school - Fred to Keysy: "The Merchant Of Venice could have taken 30 pounds of flesh from you and not even notice!" - have been world-class. If your tweeting thumb's quick enough, you're good enough.

Dave Podmore, holder of more giant cheques than any other cricketer, is the creation of Christopher Douglas, Nick Newman and Andrew Nickolds

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Posted by   on (July 17, 2013, 17:37 GMT)

Did he get paid for writing this ?

Posted by landl47 on (July 17, 2013, 13:02 GMT)

Thanks to DP (I keep wondering where else I've seen those initials on the internet) the cricket cliché is alive and well. However, there's work to be done; the Sky commentary team shows distressing signs of being able to think, well, except for Beefy, of course. Darn that Mike Brearley and his education, ever since he was made captain we've had these dratted intellectuals with their lack of conversational fillers and vocabularies of more than 50 words.

Happily, the present captains of England and Australia show every indication that they will return us to past glories. Michael Clarke's ability to get 4 "There's no doubt about it"'s into a three-minute post-match interview was very nearly matched by the three "Without a doubt"s from Alastair Cook. It did my old heart good to hear them.

Posted by forgottencricketers on (July 17, 2013, 12:33 GMT)

I was shocked to find that Cricinfo seems to have deleted Pod's records, even his player page. Surely his time at Derbyshire, and that edge through the slips against Sri Lanka should be recorded for posterity?

Posted by cupiditas on (July 17, 2013, 10:05 GMT)

I, for one, sleep that little bit sounder knowing Pod is working behind the scenes of English cricket. We can only speculate what he's been up to over the last decade (although Jacqui will surely tell all at some point soon) but it does not take a Sherlock to detect his ever-open back-pocket nudging cricket history back on track when it has strayed a little too far from the abyss. Keep up the good work.

Posted by   on (July 17, 2013, 8:57 GMT)

Just upset that you didn't get him to say 'there or there abouts' or 'at the end of the day someone had to stick their hand up', although maybe with more coaching he might get there.

Posted by tpjpower on (July 17, 2013, 5:06 GMT)

Thanks for the wise words, Mr Podmore.

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Dave Podmore Now retired as cricket's most nondescript trundler, and record holder for the most sponsored cars in a season, Dave Podmore is tipped to become England's next Twitter coach, combining it with his duties as ambassador for cheapfags@paymonthly dotcom. Pod appears regularly on BBC Radio 4 and is the creation of Christopher Douglas and Andrew Nickolds (also responsible for Ed Reardon's Week), and Sunday Times and Wisden cartoonist Nick Newman.

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