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Our cricket cliché counter
Make light work of
Tiny chase, completed with rapacious ease
Even if it's Arjuna doing the chasing?
What if the light fails during?
How about you shut up now?
Mar 6, 2013
Book yourself in for bed and breakfast
So we're finally taking that holiday you promised me?
If you want to camp out on the crease in a Test, sure
That was a cricket cliché?
Of course. To occupy the crease
Hmm, Test cricket's anti-capitalist then?
It generates no revenue, so it must be
Feb 25, 2013
Give the crowd something to cheer about
Make the cheerleaders redundant?
They were always redundant
So take a wicket or hit a six?
That's not all that's there to cricket, you know
I know! But the DJ usually tells me when to cheer otherwise
Twenty20s have sucked the cheer out of the game
Feb 19, 2013
How does it get boosted?
Through a four, a wicket, a milestone… any manner of success
I ate all my veggies for lunch. That will literally boost my brain when I go out for the second session
Not even super-veggies could achieve that
Feb 12, 2013
What it means when a player says it
"Gosh! Test cricket is hard"
What it means when a coach says it
"I had no say in this feller's selection"
What it means when a commentator says it
"I can't apologise for showing you rubbish cricket so I'll try to distract you instead"
What a fan thinks when he hears it
"I feel like I'm back in maths class, learning about parabolas"
Feb 4, 2013
Bowling at the death
Is that what you kids these days call bowling at Lord's?
Father Time - I could see that joke a mile away
Dang it. Whose death are we talking about?
The innings of a limited-overs match. Overs 40-50
Yes, and don't even think of a Death Eaters quip from Harry Potter
Sigh, seems like there's a Dark Mark over this cliché
I could kill you
Jan 29, 2013
Finish on a positive note
You've been losing
For best results combine with
Playing for pride
Jan 23, 2013
A good leave
Happy holidays eh?
Nope, just wisely letting a ball pass outside off stump
What's so good about not scoring off a ball?
Staying alive to score off others
Indeed. Cricket's pretty deep
But when are leaves hard to find?
When Sehwag's batting?
No, when it's autumn
You're as shallow as cricket is deep
Jan 17, 2013
Meat of the bat
You must mean those chunky monsters Tendulkar carries around?
I've got a termite here that says "Yum!"
Is there a joke about meat and potatoes to be made here, featuring Inzy?
Maybe, but make sure you're high enough in the stands before you do
Jan 11, 2013
Middling the ball
As opposed to
Most often used
To describe an in-form batsman
What it's not
Bowling a half-volley
What it's also not
Biting the ball in half
Jan 5, 2013
Close but not close enough
What it means
What it's supposed to tell the viewer
We're not too far from seeing a wicket here
What the viewer thinks
"If time = distance/speed, how long will it take for this commentator to realise he's an ass?"
Dec 29, 2012
The spot on the pitch where you place Mars bars to entice Ranatunga to step out of his crease?
No, and don't even mention Zak and the jellybeans
I am going to bring up the moisturised, pimple-free portion of Anderson's skin then
You might as well burn copies of the MCC coaching manual
Aha, so it has something to do with batting?
Yes, it's the centre of the bat face, and when the ball makes contact with it, it will usually race down to the boundary
Chris Gayle must be loving that spot
Azz much azz Afridi must
Dec 21, 2012
One who leaves a mark on the cricket field?
You're thinking of making a joke about fat players, aren't you?
Er... I could try one on Symonds' shoulder barge?
I wonder what sort of impact these tired gags have on our readers
Dec 16, 2012
Never run off a misfield
So don't take a run if a fielder spills it?
And you can't run if he fields it properly either
But of course
When do you run then?
You don't. See: Chris Gayle
Nominated by: Atishay Agarwal, India
Dec 10, 2012
Alastair at you till you give your wicket away
Is that India's plan to dismiss Cook?
It's a better plan that anything they have been trying
Dec 7, 2012
That's right, plenty of posers out there
No one like Sobie
Used most often for
Lower-order batsman scoring a half-century
Like R Ashwin?
Nah, he's a genuine batsman
Nov 28, 2012
Ha ha. Here comes a joke about the runs
How about Warnie's wild ways?
Come on, at least one on KP's indiscreet tweets
You got anything better then?
How can you avoid bowling a loosener?
By wearing tights
Nov 22, 2012
The bowler. At the batsman
What will happen if he doesn't plug away?
He won't get wickets?
I'll give you another guess
He'll get taken for runs?
No. His bowling will go down the drain
I have a plug and I know just where to shove it
Nov 16, 2012
Grind out the runs
What happened to scoring them?
Sometimes it isn't easy to score
What if I blitz the runs?
Then you'll be Chris Gayle
Squeeze them through a sieve?
Nov 10, 2012
Stats don't lie
Mark Twain would disagree
He wouldn't be very popular with today's backroom staff in cricket
proved it, didn't it?
American sports might be simple enough to be broken down into digestible chunks of figures. Cricket is more nuanced
I think Brad Pitt has a very digestible figure
On screen. In person, it would be a lie
Nov 4, 2012
More in Page 2
A Birmingham hat-trick
A damp squib of a contest, but a fantastic day for an Indian fan in Birmingham
Eden Gardens turns on the magic again
A pitch with bounce, plenty of runs, a capacity crowd and a last-over finish all made it a day to remember
'Why did I bother buying day 5 tickets?'
No day five contest at Newlands after Kagiso Rabada took a ten-for to wrap up the series win for South Africa
The chants of Virat-Virat are here to stay
A see-saw day at the Wankhede, including a Kohli century and a boisterous crowd made it a memorable occasion
Smith and Guptill light up Sydney
Two memorable centuries, including the highest individual score at the ground, plenty of boundaries and a decent atmosphere at the SCG's first international of the home summer
De Villiers expected to retire from Test cricket
Yorkshire laid low by Roy's blast
Chanderpaul treats new format with formidable old resolve
Gregory keeps Hampshire's ambitions in check
Harmer and Cook add to Essex sheen
What score have you not got?
Sachin Tendulkar was never dismissed or left unbeaten on which number?
'There's no better feeling than hitting a good on-drive'
on his debut Test hundred, growing up his father's son, and team-mates
Can Australia Women win a seventh World Cup?
They have won six out of the last ten tournaments, but the competition is a lot stiffer today
The league of global T20 brands
The presence of established IPL franchises and other international businesses in South Africa's new T20 league shows what the future of the format could look like
How wide is too wide?
The Cricket Monthly June issue
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