"I've had this idiotic smile on my face for centuries now because I heard a Page 2 joke just before I was finished."

"I know I am supposed to be infallible as your Creator but I did make a mistake when I forgot to put funny bones in any of the Page 2 writers."

"Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative. Which begs the question: why hasn't the weather channel taken over Page 2?"

"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries; the inherent weakness of Page 2 is that it exists."

"For the last time, I crossed the road to get away from Page 2!"

"Page 2 Brutus? Then die Caesar"

"I'd like to thank Page 2 for setting the bar for achievement really low. Helps when you're trying to encourage people who have issues with poor self-esteem."

"The only one who can beat my average is Page 2: for the percentage of the world's population that loathes it."

"If you pay peanuts, you'll get monkeys. If you pay Page 2 columnists, you're an idiot."

"Page 2 turns normal humans into angry monsters. So surely it's the perfect antidote for my condition."

"I made Page 2 an offer it could not refuse. Stop trying to be funny and I'll let you live."

"I couldn't get no satisfaction 'cos I tried and I tried and I tried and I tried. Much like Page 2 does to be funny."

"Ask not what Page 2 can do for you. Ask what Page 2 can do to you."

"I didn't have relations with that woman. I experimented with marijuana but I didn't inhale. I don't read Page 2."

"The end of the world is near. But Page 2 will survive it, along with the rest of the cockroaches."

"I have Page 2 to thank for my notoriety as a maniacal serial killer. If they had given me a job as promised I would have been just another anonymous, snivelling, po-faced 'writer'."

"I invited all Page 2 employees to the Royal Wedding so they could see first-hand what the words 'class', 'understated' and 'elegance' mean."

"All Page 2 writers formerly aspired to be me. Now they are frustrated, mentally unstable alcoholics who torment the world with their nonsensical writings."

"To be a pro-wrestler you need bombastic dialogue, a desire to be booed, and a really ridiculous sense of fashion. Page 2 would be a star. And that's the bottom line. 'Cos Stone Cold says so."

"From the moment I set eyes on Page 2, until I looked away, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."