"I think the gag that KKR is like Page 2 because it fails to deliver the punchline every time is getting a little old, isn't it?"

"Page 2 makes me want to take my shirt off just so I have something to strangle it with."

"Page 2 wants to be 'liked' on Facebook? I think 'lame' would be a better option."

"So I wrote a shameless, tell-all book. Page 2 has been doing that for ages - why's no one on their case, ja?"

"If only instead of Avada Kedavra, I had a Page 2 joke to aim at Potter, he wouldn't have been the Boy Who Lived and I wouldn't have been the most over-rated epic villain of all time"

"I fashioned my meat dress in protest against Page 2's butchering of humour"

"I had a dream. Page 2 was in it. I woke up screaming"

"I tried to leave the Champions League early to play in India. I am leaving India early to prepare for the Ashes. I try to wake up early to read Page 2."

"It really is a great honour and a privilege to be on Page 2 at last."

"Just because Page 2 writers deal with screaming and hysterical readers, and are so overworked they don't have time for a hair-trim, doesn't mean their lives are like a 16-year-old pop sensation's."

"If Page 2 was an iPhone app, I'd be asking for a government bailout as well"

"I only punched that window because I saw a Page 2 writer on the other side of it"

"Page 2 is a lot like me - most people think it's rubbish but no one can seem to get rid of it"

"I finished page two a long time ago. I'm on page 477 of the Collected Works of Sun Tzu at the moment"

"Why did I slap him? Well, there's only so much you can take of someone bad-mouthing Page 2"

"I have been sent from the future to destroy Page 2. If I succeed, the machines can take over and create a site fit for humans."

"They put my name on the site and get a billion hits. There's no need for me to endorse them."

"Unlike Page 2 and Jimmy Anderson, I am actually funny."

"Page 2 asked if I would endorse it. I said, 'Bite Me.'"

"Since I account for 80% of the humour on this page, I believe I am entitled to some royalty."