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Discover yourself by taking our quizzes
What will be the next stunt Jesse Ryder pulls?
He's broken windows, fought with fans, and had us believe that without him NZ cricket is doomed
When Jesse meets New Zealand administrators, he will:
Try to explain to them why it's so important to treat great talent carefully
Take a big sack and a cosh with him
Not dress like he just stepped out of a GAP shoot
Jesse has a huge fan base among children. He'll tell them:
"Have you guys heard of the Rat Pack?"
"Can you guys create a diversion while I do something really important?"
"Each of you is special. Just like me"
When Jesse plays against England, he will:
Probably do so under a new coach
Insist the PA system at grounds use his playlist
Reach out to Kevin Pietersen
Will we see him in a pub this year?
Yes, because being wasted is not only an alibi but also a defence
Yes, because the effort of dealing with so many troubled people will force anyone to hit the bottle
Yes, for some good old-fashioned karaoke
Will he get a contract this year?
Probably not, since the establishment never takes kindly to being shown up by do-gooders
That's as likely to happen as One Direction are to get Youtube dislikes
Yes, because this sort of work is usually done by hired guns
How will NZ fans in the stadium greet him?
Like people greeted Superman after he defeated Lex Luthor
By waving their lighters at him
The way prima donna popstars are greeted - with ridiculous amounts of adulation
How will Jesse celebrate scoring a hundred?
By brandishing a note that says "Yea Mike, talk nah"
By making an inspirational speech about acceptance and open-mindedness
By doing the moonwalk
How will his team-mates receive him in the dressing room?
With relief, knowing they can now get normal, manly hairstyles
With suspicion, paranoia and awe
With envious looks of those who know they are less talented
If Jesse gets a tattoo, it will have:
Cryptic clues to the exact location of the scourge of NZ cricket
"Ain't no shame in being misunderstood"
"'Baby' x 45 does not equal a song"
More in Page 2
A triumphant Lord's return
Pakistan thrilled one and all in their first Test at Lord's since 2010, giving their fans the experience of a lifetime
A match that transcended the ordinary
A fan hears "the sound that will live on in my memory for the rest of my life" during the India-Bangladesh game
An 800-km train journey to watch two special wins
A long journey, queues and ticketing troubles could not take away from the great show that Afghanistan and Scotland put on in Nagpur
PSL's final rumble among dhols and Africa djembes
The quality of cricket was high, the noise levels in the ground were high. The only downer was the struggle to get into the stadium
Emoji masks, and alien dance moves
A packed house and a nail-biting finish, perfect for the T20 format, made it an exciting day at Newlands
Stokes out but England otherwise unchanged
Thumb injury rules Mawoyo out of first Test
Shoulder injury halts Mustafizur's Sussex campaign
Muralitharan first Sri Lankan in ICC Hall of Fame
Australia strike after handy lead of 86
Love and longing at the Rec
As the Carnival brings life to the Antigua Recreation Ground, nostalgia for its cricketing legacy envelopes you. By
The case for four-day Tests
Shorter matches spell good news for spectators and broadcasters. Cricket has a little to lose and a whole lot to gain by truncating its premier format
Can Williamson achieve greatness in captaincy?
If the New Zealander can carry forward the high standards he has set as a batsman into his leadership, he could finish as the country's finest cricketer
Four double-tons in a day
Which current international cricketer resembles Eddie Redmayne?
'Time our administrators were as enthusiastic as our players'
talks about the road ahead for the game in his country
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