Spycam

Alan Tyers goes behind the scenes

Dodgy dossiers and dodgy curries

Voices in the head, undercooked prawns, and a secret dossier - it's all happening in the Somerset dressing room

Alan Tyers

Text size: A | A
Justin Langer salutes the crowd after his final innings for Somerset, Somerset v Durham, Pro40, Taunton, September 27, 2009
Justin Langer cleverly gathers information for his next dossier - on dealing with crowds - while pretending to acknowledge the cheers for his innings © Getty Images
Enlarge
Related Links
Players/Officials: Justin Langer | Marcus Trescothick
Teams: Somerset

Despite a thrilling win over the Deccan Chargers, all did not seem well in the Somerset dressing room.

Marcus Trescothick appeared agitated and asked for help with "making these voices in my head stop".

It was discovered that the burly opening batsman was still wearing his player-to-commentator microphone and was being forced to listen to the punditry dream team of Harsha Bhogle and Allan Donald discuss the different types of tarmac on display during their walk back to the stadium car park.

"Has the poor bloke not suffered enough?" demanded the captain, Justin Langer. Trescothick was disconnected and given a sausage with which to calm down.

Langer was meanwhile busy scribbling with a crayon in a treasured Matty Hayden's Big Book Of Surfing, Chewing Gum And Manliness For Boys And Girls. After several hours of extreme concentration, Langer announced to the dressing room that he "had done a new dossier on our next opponents".

"Trinidad and Tobago," said Langer. "They enjoy cricket more when they are winning. They can be put under pressure by us being better at cricket than them and ideally by beating them at cricket. And Steve Waugh could totally beat them up if he wanted to without even trying."

Impressed by the skipper's awesome psychological insights and mental cleverness, the team clapped.

"Good work, you blokes," said Langer. "Now let's all practise staring really hard and thinking about our intensity levels and then wind-down with 4000 press-ups."

A trolley of hot food was wheeled in.

"Thank God Blackwell's left," said the captain. "Plenty for everyone now."

The trolley-wheeling flunkey had an announcement.

"This is a message and personal gift from Mr Lalit Modi, Lord High Wizard and Master of the empire of real, present and future cricket, i.e. Twenty20 and not that disgraceful outdated old rubbish that those blazers in London and Sydney are trying to shove down everyone's throats 24/7.

"Dear former colonial interlopers. Please enjoy this delicious meal of undercooked prawn biryani to congratulate you on beating one of my magnificent Twenty20 franchises and also to ensure you never do it again.

"Please follow the example of your countryman Michael Yardy who ate all of his up like a good boy and whose subsequent illness was a most unfortunate development that was entirely unrelated to my catering generosity. Please feel to help yourselves to a DLF Maximum sickbag on the way to the airport."

RSS FeedAlan Tyers is a freelance journalist based in London
Any and all quotes and facts in this article may be wholly or partly fiction (but you knew that already, didn't you?)

Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Email this page to a friend Email Feedback Feedback Print Print
RSS FeedAll
Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

All Articles »

Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
  • ESPN
  • ESPNF1
  • Scrum
  • Soccernet