Let us now worship Viru

The credit crunch, global warming, Barack Obama's peace prize, Michael Jackson dying, and your favourite pop starlet being voted off some reality singing contest all seem like important events worthy of your time, thought and attention.

They are not. Your time, thought and attention should be dedicated to the cricket-themed religion that will enhance your spirit, make you better-looking and improve every single facet of your daily existence.

The religion is Sehwagology. Although some people like to think of it as an applied religious philosophy.

The 28th of March 2008 was a special date, and yet you may not know why. It was the day this new religion was born, and the one true prophet, Virender Sehwag, delivered it from the pitch in Chennai while bedaubed in the blood of the poor South African bowlers.

That day the prophet delivered 319 reasons to live your life the way he bats. See ball, hit ball.

It isn't complicated. There are no books you need to buy. You don't have to spend 10 years studying or praying. There is no need to be donating your hard-earned cash. No one is going to make you feel bad for doing it wrong. You can marry outside the faith. Practise your beliefs any day of the week. And you can eat whatever the hell you want.

It is simple and pure.

Everything you need to know is in one mantra. You just need to see the ball, and hit the ball. There is no need for doubt, panic or confusion.

Imagine every decision in your life is a cricket delivery coming down at you, then become Sehwag: see ball, hit ball. Maybe it is a tough one, an inswinging yorker - you just dig it out. The next one is a wide one and you slap it over cover. The one after that is wide too, and you miss it. Never mind, there will be more. There is always more. You will miss some and you will hit some, but don't fret about the ones you miss, and don't dine out on the ones you hit. What more do you need to know about life?

He is the zen master of hitting. Nothing fazes him. Every ball is a new ball. A mystery ball is treated the same way as a slower ball: he sees it, he hits it.

On the second day of this Test he screamed in the ear of the doubters. Wielded a club to the head of the non-believers. And threw a nuke bomb at the groin of the heretics. It was as if he was playing a magical game of cricket where there were no fielders, no bowlers, no non-striker, just him, his mantra, and lots of runs.

Whether you are a millionaire, a pauper, a freegan, a vegan, someone who sells stolen mobile phone chargers, or Tom Cruise, Sehwagology can help you.

It is the alpha and omega of religions; can you really afford to live without it?