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The Akmals: a TV series

Are events involving two Pakistani siblings Down Under putting you in mind of an 80s American sitcom? You're not the only one

Jarrod Kimber

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Kamran Akmal congratulates his younger brother Umar, New Zealand v Pakistan, 1st Test, Dunedin, 3rd day, November 26, 2009
"Next time you get a hundred in a game where I drop more than three, I'm giving you a wedgie" © Getty Images
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INT. FAMILY HOUSE - DAY
(A jolly tune plays with a friendly voice singing about families as we see a woman, MRS AKMAL, being pushed into the house by a man, MR AKMAL.)

MRS AKMAL
Ah, it is good to be home.

MR AKMAL
Glad to have you back.

(Two youngsters run down the stairs, UMAR AND KAMRAN. They are slapping each other and yelling.)

KAMRAN

Your back is sore.

UMAR
My back is fine.

KAMRAN
You're lying.

UMAR
You're dropped.

(They run straight past their mother, who sticks out her leg and trips both of them. They fall on top of each other and then start fighting. Mrs Akmal grabs them by their ears and drags them up.)

MRS AKMAL

How about giving your poor mother a kiss then?

(Both boys lean in and kiss Mrs Akmal and she lets go of their ears.


MRS AKMAL (CONT'D)
That is much better. Now what is all this madcap behaviour about?

(Both boys stare at the floor.)

UMAR & KAMRAN

Nuffin.

MRS AKMAL
It doesn't seem like nothing. Kamran, is this about the four dropped catches...

MR AKMAL
(interjecting)
And the missed run-out.

MRS AKMAL
And the missed run-out.

(Kamran shrugs.)

UMAR

Yes, the team dropped him, and now he wants me to pretend to be hurt.

KAMRAN
Shut up, knucklehead.

(MRS AKMAL wheels herself over to Kamran, slowly, and lovingly puts a hand on his face, and then grabs him by the ear.)

MRS AKMAL

What is wrong with you? Is it not enough you have ruined your career with four dropped catches?

MR AKMAL
(interjecting)
And the missed run-out.

MRS AKMAL
And the missed run out. But now you are trying to ruin your brother's life as well. He is still a young boy of only 23 years of age, 19 in Pakistani cricket years, and you want to drag him down because of four dropped catches.

MR AKMAL
(interjecting)
And…

MRS AKMAL
(interjecting and yelling)
THE RUN-OUT, we know.

Kamran breaks free of the ear-hold.

KAMRAN

Mother, you don't understand. Wicketkeeping at Test-match level is really hard. There are cameras, and crowds, plus Misbah never shuts up.

(Mrs Akmal gestures for Kamran to come over.)

MRS AKMAL

I know, come here.

(Kamran hesitantly walks over and Mrs Akmal strokes him.)

MRS AKMAL (CONT'D)

I am so sorry. Are you okay? You poor boy. It isn't like I
(yelling)
JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK. Is Test keeping harder than a heart attack?

Kamran shakes his head as best he can with his ear being held.

MRS AKMAL (CONT'D)

Exactly.

Mrs Akmal tugs on Kamran's ear. Umar giggles, and she grabs his too.

MRS AKMAL

(to Umar)
You, stop fighting with your brother.
(to Kamran)
You, stop complaining and go and work on your keeping, because I don't ever want to see you drop four catches again.

MR AKMAL
(interjecting)
And the...

Mrs Akmal drops the boys' ears and chases Mr Akmal around the room.

MRS AKMAL
Say it again. Say it again! I dare ya, I double dare ya, you knucklehead! Say it one more stupid time.

Kamran and Umar laugh as his mother rides around the room trying to knock over their father.

FADE TO BLACK.

RSS FeedJarrod Kimber, the mind responsible for cricketwithballs.com, is an Australian writer based in London. His new book is now on sale

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