Dr Doosra's Demented Devices

Inventions to enhance your IPL 2010 experience

The CashCulator

Despairing of ever coming to grips with the large sums of money involved in the IPL? This technological marvel is made just for you

Anand Ramachandran

Flummoxed, flabbergasted and bamboozled by the financial maelstrom that is the IPL? Unable to figure out the complex details behind the revenue models, contract structures and valuations of the league? Don't worry, many people have the same problem, including the Indian income-tax authorities. However, unlike them, you have the advantage of the CashCulator - the only pocket calculator designed specially for people interested in navigating the IPL's financial maze, such as Shashi Tharoor. Now you (and Mr Tharoor, since he has time on his hands) can do the most complicated IPL-related math and get your answers faster than you can say "sweat equity".


© Anand Ramachandran

1. Player RoI analyser
This application lets you specify a player, and will then perform millions of calculations to arrive at an index of just how much his team has got from their investment in him. It factors in basic input, like the player's auction price, his performance (on the field and at the after-parties), his brand value - and many additional factors such as Andrew Flintoff's non-availability, Yuvraj Singh's savings on gym fees, and the extra expenses incurred for Doug Bollinger's hairpiece.

2. Advertising RoI analyser
Calculates the exact effectiveness of advertisements shown during the IPL, by analysing each ad for its lack-of-creativity factor, stupidity quotient, audience-aggravation index, brand-damage percentage and sales-reduction effectiveness. Hard-wired to give only negative results - the extra effort involved in providing for a positive result is not worth it, since the number of ads that would produce one is negligible.

3. Franchise-running cost calculator
This clever application gives you the precise amount that every franchisee spends to keep the team running on a daily basis. No cost is ignored, large or small - the app even keeps track of hidden expenses incurred by teams, such as self-improvement books for S Sreesanth, humble pie to distribute to S Badrinath's detractors, and the immense medical and technological resources required to keep Nita Ambani looking as good as she does.

4. Pushkar button
A mysterious button that simply says "Pushkar. This is not an instruction."

5. Multiple zero button
This convenient feature gives some respite to your fingers from having to enter all those multiple zeroes that are at the end of every conceivable IPL figure. Now you can enter "000000" and "000000000000000" with a single press. If you have the Lalit Modi Special Edition, you get an extra "000000000000000000000000000000000" button.

6. Red light
This serves the purpose of attracting the attention of MS Dhoni, if he happens to be passing by on a motorcycle.

RSS FeedAnand Ramachandran is a writer and humourist based in Mumbai. He blogs at bosey.co.in

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Comments: 6 
Posted by AnyoneButVettel on (April 21, 2010, 9:46 GMT)

I'd love to see a button that indicates cricinfo's revenue model. How much it earns through the IPL season compared to the rest of the year, how many comments it attracts by IPL bashing, traffic numbers by geographical location etc. I bet the income is at least 10 times higher during the IPL.

@Anand, how many of you will go after the Ads and commentators? Have you no shame in repeating this 100s of times? How are you any different to the commentators that go DLF or Karbonn or MRF? This is our livelihood, that is theirs. I don't think you can hide under the guise of Page 2 - meant to be satire blah blah.

Posted by   on (April 21, 2010, 3:22 GMT)

nice article to read when you are really bored.

Posted by NaveenBL on (April 20, 2010, 2:09 GMT)

@anurag23bhide - Dude, there is no point in showing your frustration (for not getting your doppelgangers suggestions considered) on the guy who's written this article. Grow up li'l boy. This article isn't any less humorous than any of the others you have mentioned. @Anand - Keep up the good work!

Posted by anurag23bhide on (April 19, 2010, 13:38 GMT)

with no disrespect meant for mr. ramchandran, seriously, this demented devices series is useless. there are some fantastic columns like the heavy ball, the long handle, the confectionery stall and spycam that should be increased in number, while please i suggest you to scrap this demented column along with that new French Cut stuff u have started. They are NOT entertaining, and those who may find them appealing note that it is the same form of entertainment that is the IPL, but presenting the negative side of the IPL. when there are such fabulous writers of good old british humour i dont think you need to reduce the level of page 2 with such stuff. increase the frequency of doppelgangers and the caption contest as well plz and at least once plz consider my umpteen suggestions in doppelgangers!!!

Posted by bonaku on (April 19, 2010, 11:47 GMT)

A mysterious button that simply says "Pushkar. This is not an instruction." ..... hahahahah

Posted by the_silent_observer on (April 19, 2010, 9:51 GMT)

1) good to know some one too has noticed MSD's escapades in you-know-where in Chennai (was that a confession by MSD ?!) 2) will the "pushkar" button also be known as "mis-calculator/mis-cashculator" button ?

Comments have now been closed for this article

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Anand Ramachandran
Anand Ramachandran is a satirist, comics writer and columnist based in Mumbai, India. He specialises in finding creative ways to justify time and money spent on watching sports, playing games and reading comics as "professional investment". He boasts a batting average of 79.66 with 53 first-class hundreds in various cricket videogames, on platforms as diverse as the Sinclair ZX-Spectrum and modern PCs and consoles.

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Anand RamachandranClose
Anand Ramachandran Anand Ramachandran is a satirist, comics writer and columnist based in Mumbai, India. He specialises in finding creative ways to justify time and money spent on watching sports, playing games and reading comics as "professional investment". He boasts a batting average of 79.66 with 53 first-class hundreds in various cricket videogames, on platforms as diverse as the Sinclair ZX-Spectrum and modern PCs and consoles.
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