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Alan Tyers goes behind the scenes

Pup: I'm the top dog now

And a top dog needs to be a bit of a showpony, what?

Alan Tyers

Comments: 11 | Text size: A | A
Michael Clarke talks to the press ahead of his first Test as captain, Sydney, January 2, 2011
Clarke: his own man (except skin: Lancome and hair: Vidal Sassoon) © AFP
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Series/Tournaments: England tour of Australia
Teams: Australia

Michael Clarke entered the dressing room.

"The king is dead, long live the king," shouted Brad Haddin.

"Hooray for Princess Michael," cheered Mitchell Johnson.

"Be quiet, Mitch," said Mike Hussey. "I told you your story about Pup riding to your rescue on a unicorn was only a dream."

"But it seemed so real," sighed Mitch. "The unicorn was kind, and pointed the right place to bowl with its little horn thing. And Princess Michael was kind, and not shouty like Mr Ricky was. And then we had ice-cream with flowers in it and nobody's mum got cross."

"It never happened, Mitch," said Hussey. "Just like when you dreamed that vast areas of this great country of ours were eaten by a big kangaroo and the only place left in Australia was Perth. Now shut up and listen to the new skipper."

"Hi everyone," said Clarke. "Now there's going to be a few changes around here. Firstly, I'm doing away with Gum-Chewing practice on the morning of a match day."

Haddin looked crestfallen.

"I know that Gum Hour was a big part of how Ricky did things, but it's time for us all to move on. Into an era of young, handsome men with all their fingers in working order.

"Now, I want everyone to mentally focus themselves in the best way they can. I'll be suggesting a few basic male grooming drills, perhaps some work in front of the mirror, maybe a bit on how to subtly attract the attention of a photographer when you're out doing something celeby with an attractive young lady."

Peter Siddle perked up and searched around for a notebook. Ben Hilfenhaus passed him a crayon.

"Obviously these drills won't be suitable for everyone," said Clarke pointedly. Siddle looked crestfallen.

"Some of the bowling unit," continued Clarke. "Might be more suited to a more grounded training schedule."

Siddle sighed.

"Am I carrying your personal wardrobe up the stairs again?" he asked.

"Mate, it's important for the captain to look good," said Clarke. "And think of the fitness benefits."

"But surely you could at least take the clothes out of the wardrobe and put them in a bag, Pup?" asked Siddle.

Clarke coughed.

"I mean Skip-Pup," corrected Siddle.

"I heard that Ryan Harris broke down because of the strain of carrying New Skipper's collection of women's celebrity magazines around for him," said Hilfenhaus.

"That is just not true, Ben," said Clarke. "They were not women's celebrity magazines. Some of them were actually male grooming publications with features about me. I'm going to reshape this team in my image, starting from the hair downwards."

"Because we're worth it?" asked Mitch.

"That's right, Mitch," said Clarke benevolently. "Because I'm worth it."

RSS FeedAshes 1896 style, in WG Grace Ate My Pedalo, a Victorian cricket annual by Alan Tyers and illustrated by Beach. Order here and here. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)

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Comments: 11 
Posted by maverick_ind on (January 4, 2011, 4:36 GMT)

absolutely top drawer funny!!!! hope the aussies are laughing too

Posted by cbesud2009 on (January 4, 2011, 2:27 GMT)

Hilarious!!! But cricket has a way of surprising all of us. What if Princess Michael went on the become one of Ozes best captains??? Not possible you say. Lets see

Posted by SagirParkar on (January 3, 2011, 22:32 GMT)

"because i am worth it." man, totally hilarious !!! keep it going mate !

Posted by AncientAstronaut on (January 3, 2011, 20:38 GMT)

Hilarious! With Clarke, things will get only worse for Australia.

Posted by simz504 on (January 3, 2011, 18:35 GMT)

You sir are brilliant!!

Andy who? Zaltzman? I've never heard of him All hail the new king of comedy on cricinfo, Alan Tyers!!!!!!!!!!

Princess Micheal!!!....LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and Siddile looked crestfallen!!! Priceless stuff.

I feel like I owe you money after laughing so hard.

Posted by Rahulbose on (January 3, 2011, 17:52 GMT)

Allan Border, Mark Taylor, Steve Waugh, Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke.

Sounds like the old IQ test question on picking the odd man out of a pattern. Rough days ahead for Aus, at least they will have a pretty boy telling them how they tried their best.

Posted by   on (January 3, 2011, 17:18 GMT)

Peter Siddle perked up and searched around for a notebook. Ben Hilfenhaus passed him a crayon.

Hilarious!!!

Posted by   on (January 3, 2011, 14:25 GMT)

'Princess Michael' the most precious gem in a gem of an article hahahaha!!!!

Posted by rajmore on (January 3, 2011, 13:23 GMT)

haha.. Ricky be ugly!! "Into an era of young, handsome men with"

Posted by   on (January 3, 2011, 9:40 GMT)

Very funny But seriously, "Hurrah for Princess Michel" At least we woudnt have to cry out. "Take it Like a Man"

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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