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Alan Tyers goes behind the scenes

The Watto exception

When it comes to a certain blond Australian allrounder, the normal rules of respecting the opponent do not apply

Alan Tyers

Comments: 11 | Text size: A | A
Shane Watson celebrates reaching his fifth one-day international hundred, Australia v England, 1st ODI, Melbourne, January 16, 2010
Watson: Lovable. Not © Getty Images
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Players/Officials: Shane Watson
Series/Tournaments: England tour of Australia
Teams: Australia

A typical English living room. England. It is Sunday morning.

A child speaks.

"Daddy, after church, will we be having a roast dinner surrounded by the bosom of our family on this special day of rest?"

"Yes, son, and after that we'll all go for an idyllic walk to the village green and feed the ducks while we watch the friendly local Bobby doing a Morris Dance. What's wrong with you? We're going to sit here on the sofa drinking Stella, watching the cricket and hurling abuse at Shane effing Watson."

"But dad, I thought you said to remember that sport is only a game and it's more important to play it in the right spirit and respect your opponent."

"Firstly, I only said that to cheer you up because you're so totally useless at games, for which I blame your mother, incidentally. Secondly, that's absolute rubbish, especially when it comes to watching Shane Watson."

"But dad, surely you can't help but be thrilled by the powerful blond allrounder's buccaneering 161 not out in pursuit of England's imposing total?"

"I can help but be thrilled by it, boy. The man's a complete weapon."

"But he hit a six off the last ball to finish it, dad. What style! What derring-do!"

"I hope he chokes on his surfboard, the posing, blond, overly-muscled tw--"

A woman enters.

In the nick of time.

"Don't be too hard on the boy, love," she says. "He's only young, he's only just started following this bizarrely erratic England ODI outfit. He doesn't remember 1994-1995, when England lost to Australia's 2nd XI in an ODI tournament. Or chasing 272 in Melbourne in 1999, and falling agonisingly short by just 162 runs. Or even 2009, when we lost six ODIs to one. He thinks Sajid Mahmood and Steve Harmison are just mythical creatures. He hasn't suffered like we've suffered."

"I thought we had to be magnanimous in victory but gracious in defeat, dad."

"That's right, son. We do. Just not with Aussie cricketers like Shane Watson."

"Okay dad. I guess."

"Now go and get your father a can of Stella and let's hear no more about it, poppet."

RSS FeedFurther Antipodean aggravation in WG Grace Ate My Pedalo, by Alan Tyers and Beach. Order here and here. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)

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Comments: 11 
Posted by fittler_step on (January 17, 2011, 20:37 GMT)

Absolutely hilarious!!!!!

Posted by Greenmachine2009 on (January 17, 2011, 15:27 GMT)

mmm... seems more like an attack on a player than a satirical article. Author must have some bad blood with Watson. Not sure why they allow this as it has no point and aint funny

Posted by Dr_Van_Nostrand on (January 17, 2011, 14:45 GMT)

Haha I love it. I hate Watto too.

Posted by ManAv99 on (January 17, 2011, 13:53 GMT)

not even remotely funny for a page2 article

Posted by mster57 on (January 17, 2011, 13:24 GMT)

awsome innings,simply a gr8 allrounder

Posted by Harlequin. on (January 17, 2011, 12:55 GMT)

I don't get the hate either! I'm an Englishman and have a lot of respect for Shane Watson - a similar respect I like to think Aussie supporters had for Graeme Thorpe during the 90's. A highly talented player who gives it his all despite the problems surrounding the team. Having said that, if he starts converting some of his test-match 50's then I might start getting a little annoyed!!

Posted by Pathiyal on (January 17, 2011, 11:31 GMT)

i watched many games and try to figure out whats wrong with shane watson. i came across a highly talented, magnificent match winner in him.

Posted by   on (January 17, 2011, 11:22 GMT)

@Aditya: Apparently it's not just the English, even I share their profound hatred towards Watson.

Posted by   on (January 17, 2011, 11:20 GMT)

Is it supposed to be funny?

Posted by Something_Witty on (January 17, 2011, 10:58 GMT)

@ aditya anchuri, it's that terrible vice called jealousy. Nothing more. Watto hasn't put a foot out of line since the Gayle incident, is always polite and generous with his praise of opposition in media interviews, and rarely *initiates* any on-field banter. Basically just tall poppy syndrome IMO. A much maligned player who doesn't deserve any of the rubbish that he gets.

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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