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Alan Tyers goes behind the scenes

Strauss lets rip

England skipper in chewing team out shocker

Alan Tyers

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A relaxed Andrew Strauss practices ahead of England's first warm-up game, Perth, November 4, 2010
"… And your children shall never set foot in Eton. That'll show you" © Getty Images
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Players/Officials: Andrew Strauss
Series/Tournaments: England tour of Australia
Teams: England

"Chaps," said Andrew Strauss. "That's four defeats in a row and I am afraid the time has come for some strong words. A few of you might find what I am about to say makes for rather uncomfortable listening, and I would be remiss if I were not to warn you that there may be some rather colorful language."

Luke Wright gawped.

"Wosseee mean?" he asked.

"I mean, Luke," said Strauss, "that I must speak to you all frankly about your performances. Some of our cricket of late has been… distinctly… whiffy."

Strauss gazed around the room, letting the full gravity of his brutal verbal assault sink in, deep and profound and dreadful, like Andrew Flintoff getting into trouble off the Bay of Biscay in a vessel made out of an old cask of sherry.

He paused, looking pretty jolly bally miffed, actually.

There was a gasp from the England players. None of them could remember their affable leader going off the deep end like this. Not even when Tim Bresnan ran out of toilet roll during his morning mid-movement after a hard night on the Curried Pies in Chittagong, panicked and grabbed hold of the skipper's treasured copy of Posh Banker Monthly, Incorporating Lucrative Investments For The Right Sort Of Chap Weekly.

"He's really cross," muttered Ian Bell, his eyes like saucers and his bottom lip quivering in a manner unbecoming of a now senior figure in the middle order who spends his off days cheating death and kick-boxing. "I reckon he might even do a swear."

"Chaps," said Strauss. "I haven't been this hopping mad since we caught Samit sneaking tuck into the cardio-conditioning suite at Loughborough. Things simply have to improve.

"Matthew Prior, two ducks in a row. Don't think we haven't got other South African-born wicketkeepers available. And I might as well inform you that young Steven Davies' Afrikaans and shouting are coming on a treat.

"Christopher Tremlett: we ground our bat when we run it in. Just because we happen to be nine feet six it doesn't mean that the rules do not apply.

"And Jonathan Trott: leaving a free hit. This isn't a Test match. Just because Xavier Doherty is playing it doesn't automatically mean that the opposition are in disarray and we can take three or four days at the crease."

"I have thought long and hard about your punishments," said Strauss. "And I can think of no more fitting way to make you truly sorry for what you have done than this."

The team trembled. Surely he couldn't be? He wouldn't?

"All 11 of you will be forced to play four more one day internationals without a break," said Strauss.

The team howled in protest and pain.

"And the most serious offenders?" said the skipper with an evil grin. "You'll have to go and play in the World Cup for the next five months. Now get out of my sight."

RSS FeedWG Grace Ate My Pedalo, by Alan Tyers and Beach can be ordered here and here. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)

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Comments: 9 
Posted by landl47 on (January 25, 2011, 3:01 GMT)

I've got a sneaking suspicion that although Andy Strauss doesn't chew his team out in front of the media, he's not necessarily as easy-going when the outsiders have left. It's been made pretty clear that people who don't give 100% aren't welcome in this England set-up. A Strauss parody with him chewing the carpet and ripping guys a new one would be more accurate, I fancy.

Posted by akshay4india on (January 24, 2011, 23:07 GMT)

Terrific Stuff, I am puzzled at the inclusion at Prior's inclusion as well. Steve wasn't doing a bad job.

Posted by   on (January 24, 2011, 22:45 GMT)

England lose 3 ODI's and suddenly the series is too long.

Posted by   on (January 24, 2011, 16:31 GMT)

9 foot 6 is da worst ,i feel sorry for tremlett....

Posted by   on (January 24, 2011, 16:13 GMT)

I agree 7 ODI's is too many... no wonder the team is showing signs of stress and injury they have had a hard few months.

Posted by   on (January 24, 2011, 13:16 GMT)

9 foot 6!!! :P :P My poor England!! Win boys!!

Posted by nzcricket174 on (January 24, 2011, 12:16 GMT)

I agree with Dr.Hasan the format is odd. I found though 3 T20s is too many (Pak vs NZ) and that 1 T20 is too little. 2 seems odd because a tie is possible but it seems the right amount of T20 cricket. To me, the tour should be: 5 Tests, 2 T20Is and 5 ODIs. Smaller tours should be 3 Tests, 1 T20Is and 5 ODIs or 3 ODIs.

Anyway nice article. I started reading it thinking it was going to be some Aussie bashing article like the rest. You have to read the whole thing complete to see why it is so funny.

Posted by SagirParkar on (January 24, 2011, 10:40 GMT)

haha... brilliantly conceived and executed Alan !! you have excelled once again.

and i agree with Dr Hasan that 7 ODIs is just overkill.. why not have 3 T20s and 3ODIs instead ? but then with the time it takes for an ODI compared to the T20, it brings in more money.. and England also need the practice in the 50-over format for the World Cup.. errr, punishment i mean :)

Posted by Dr.Hasan on (January 24, 2011, 7:54 GMT)

LMAO Excellent post Alan ! "Just because Xavier Doherty is playing it doesn't automatically mean that the opposition are in disarray" Marvellous! Oh and what is the deal with 7ODIs .. thats just OVERKILL!! and ODI format doesnt need that AT ALL, same applies for 6 ODIs in the Pak series! 5 ODIs are the max I reckon!

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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