It's the Ashes. Again

	Strauss and Ponting are locked in the fiercest battle of all: to see which one can keep from vomiting (into the helpfully provided drain) first © Getty Images Enlarge
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The ECB Vice President Of Fixture Organisation And Revenue Maximisation rose to his feet and called the meeting to order.

"Gentlemen and - of course - girlies who are joining us as part of the Richard Keys Memorial Media Training Internship. A warm welcome to key stakeholders from all the most important ECB departments: marketing, advertising, marketing of advertising, advertising of marketing, apparatchiks, wonks, technocrats, fixers, fiddlers, media buyers, media hangers-on, bookmakers and old men in blazers whose roles are uncertain."

"Has anybody invited a fans' representative?"

When the laughter had died down, he continued.

"Sorry, just a little joke there before we get down to the really serious business of scheduling The Ashes^TM around the ICC World Cup to ensure the fairest, most thrilling possible sporting contests."

More uproarious laughter.

"Ha, ha, no seriously, folks. Fellow committee members, we are here for the important matter of maximising possible revenue from the next The Ashes^TM: 2009 and 2010-2011 were both unforgettable series in the vital areas of television revenue, adverts from KFC and merchandising of little plastic souvenirs. And I am told the cricket was tolerable as well.

"But there are great challenges ahead. Cricket fans clearly have a great appetite for The Ashes^TM matches. The question we should be asking ourselves is not 'When can we schedule some more The Ashes^TM matches?' but 'Are there any days when we should not be scheduling them?'

"Looking at the calendar for the next few years, obviously the Royal Wedding is a no-no, in case Sir Mick Jagger or Stephen Fry has a diary clash and can't be photographed in the crowd at an The Ashes TM Test Match TM, and then there's the football European Championships. As we have stressed many times in the past, the future of cricket relies on attracting people who do not like cricket, and football fans are a key target. Obviously nobody could be expected to follow both sports at once. Best let the football boys - and girlies, of course! - do their thing.

"Other than that, we should be aiming to stage an The Ashes^TM Test Match^TM on every day of the calendar. I utterly reject the accusations of overkill. If I am sat at home enjoying a delicious ^TM Official Partner Fast Food Snack, like a KFC Chicken Nugget, do I have five or six and think, 'Well, that was a delicious bite-size snack that is really quite healthy as part of a controlled diet?' Of course not: I say to myself, 'I'm going to have another 48 of them and keep eating until I vomit up a kidney.'

"And now please all rise and join me in the singing of the Official ECB ^TM 2012, 2013 and 2014 Anthem 'Good Times Gonna Roll Again And Again And Again'."