The Heavy Ball

This, that and the other. Mostly the other

India awarded the 2015 World Cup

Also: Gavaskar maintains Tendulkar-mentioning record, and a pub brawl in Sussex over the Ranji Trophy

Anand Ramachandran

Comments: 44 | Text size: A | A
Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen's peeps would hereby like it to be known he accepted no gratuity for his gratuitous appearance in this column © Getty Images
Enlarge
Related Links
Players/Officials: Sunil Gavaskar | Haroon Lorgat
Teams: India

Worried by India's inconsistent performance in the World Cup so far, despite the ICC and BCCI making every effort to ensure that the host nation has every possible advantage, cricket administrators are considering simply awarding the 2015 tournament to the Indian team.

"Everybody understands that cricket is profitable only when India wins. Which is why we've tried to schedule matches and generally design the entire tournament format to ensure this - but it still isn't working, yes?" said ICC chief executive Haroon Lorgat, looking worried at the prospect of India's quarter-final exit. "It isn't good for the nerves, or for our wallets, if India exit early. So since everyone seems to be okay with tweaking the tournament format to favour India, next time around we'll just award the championship to India, regardless of what happens in the matches," he said.

Explaining further, Mr Lorgat added, "All the matches will be played as normal, and points will be awarded to the winning team. Except that, if a team wins against India, the match will be awarded to India. This will ensure that India will top the group stages, progress through the knockouts, and happily for all concerned, end up winning."

"Winning? Did somebody say winning? What? Where? Warlock! Warlock! Wheeee!" said actor Charlie Sheen, appearing out of nowhere and saying lots of words that start with W.

Former Indian Test great Sunil Gavaskar has welcomed the idea, saying that it will allow the Indian team to play freely, without the pressure of winning weighing down on their minds. "It's perfect. It will give Dhoni the opportunity to mess around with the batting order, decide whether to pick Chawla or Ashwin, and mull over bowling changes at his own pace, without worrying about the result of the match," said Gavaskar. "It will help the team play better cricket. Although better cricket will be quite unnecessary in this case, but still..." he added.

"And, before I forget - nobody is as good as Sachin Tendulkar!" exclaimed Gavaskar, maintaining his immaculate record of including a Tendulkar reference in every single conversation, however unrelated to the master batsman, he has ever had since 1990.

"Hey, that's not fair!" exclaimed an agitated Lalit K Modi, Commissioner (formerly suspended, currently former) IPL (England) (South Africa) (Seychelles). "They're just ripping off my original idea for ensuring that a franchise of my choice would win the IPL. Are there absolutely no professional ethics anymore?" lamented Mr Modi, his glasses misting over like Tata Sierra windows during a Chennai rainstorm. "Lack of transparency!" he grumbled, wiping his lenses with a miniature flag of the Cayman Islands.

However, the announcement has been welcomed by Indian cricket fans, who can now go about the business of boldly predicting an Australian victory, secure in the knowledge that this time their sly reverse-jinxing tactics are sure to work.

In a rather bizarre incident, two groups of young British men in a small pub in Sussex were reportedly involved in a violent brawl when they came to blows during a heated argument over the relative merits of Tamil Nadu and Railways as Ranji Trophy contenders.

Apparently one of the groups, proudly wearing t-shirts bearing the TNCA logo, proclaimed that Tamil Nadu was the greatest domestic cricket team in the world, which did not go down well with the Railways fans, who retaliated with harsh words that belittled the skills of Diwakar Vasu. The last straw was when one of the Railways faithful, a burly, blond youth named Harold, loudly proclaimed that Naresh Churi was a greater cricketer than WV Raman. What followed was a full-fledged festival of fisticuffs that only ended with the intervention of the local constabulary.

"I've never heard of anything like this before. Random English boys with fierce allegiances to Indian domestic cricket teams, so loyal that they're willing to trade blows to defend their team's honour? I bet they don't have anything like this going on in India, eh? Nice, sensible young men you have in that country." said one of the policemen, whose name may have been PC Goon.

RSS FeedAnand Ramachandran is a writer, comics creator and videogame designer who works when he isn't playing some game with an "of" in its name. He blogs here and tweets here. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)

Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 44 
Posted by gsivakumar3010 on (March 24, 2011, 21:53 GMT)

Totally awesome....Loved the PC Goon reference....takes me back to my childhood days.

Posted by Katawazai on (March 24, 2011, 6:21 GMT)

Really good comics written annand, keep it up.

Posted by   on (March 24, 2011, 6:15 GMT)

Quote"Explaining further, Mr Lorgat added, "All the matches will be played as normal, and points will be awarded to the winning team. Except that, if a team wins against India, the match will be awarded to India. This will ensure that India will top the group stages, progress through the knockouts, and happily for all concerned, end up winning."

Lol, too good!! well writen

Posted by   on (March 24, 2011, 5:44 GMT)

Brilliant and some of the comments (even those trying to argue against it being funny) are classic.

Very nice Anand, though I reckon it would be funnier if it wasn't so close to what appears to be the truth. You truly do type with the dedication of Tendulkar at the crease!

Posted by aligune on (March 24, 2011, 3:57 GMT)

Without Awarding India the tournament Let's do something mor creative I propose 3 solutions 1. India should be named in the final and all the other 13 teams should be given a chance to fight with each other and crawl and creep their way to the final 2. Play the tournament as it is and Play the winning team against India and the winner of that match will be given the world cup 3. India's full suqad will be given the chance to take the field (11 batsmen and 11 bowlers) and do their work as they wish

Posted by deepaksam on (March 24, 2011, 2:46 GMT)

Great delight chef AR! On the points system - I would have probably put -2 to every team that wins against India!

Posted by Swanson on (March 23, 2011, 23:14 GMT)

This is just disgusting ! India was in a more tough group and they placed second . You do not have one good thing to say about that . No one has shown any Prejudice so far.And you make money out of India's cricket. Try running a cricket website without any news on India's cricket. You utilize them when you need them and make ill whenever you get a chance. This is not satire just plain disgusting.

Posted by Hassan.Farooqi on (March 23, 2011, 20:34 GMT)

Tendulker first visited Pakistan in 89-90 season. In a press when Gavasker was asked if Tendulker was really a "Mini Gavasker", his reply was "No, he is more talented than me". Tendulker failed to impress whereas Manjreker slammed a double century. We all laughed at Gavasker. Time has proved that Gavasker was right, Tendulker is now a bigger name than Gavasker. Gavasker was the first person to predict, so he has the right to keep talking about Tendulker even now.

Posted by BalaGaddam on (March 23, 2011, 20:33 GMT)

Too good to be true!! :)

Posted by SagirParkar on (March 23, 2011, 19:53 GMT)

Anand, the whole article apart, the mention of PC Goon at the end made me smile.. brought back memories of the days when i used to read a lot of Enid Blyton and the Five Find Outers (and Dog) were my favourite :) thanks for bringing a smile after a day's hard work :)

Comments have now been closed for this article

Email this page to a friend Email Feedback Feedback Print Print
RSS FeedAll
Anand Ramachandran
Anand Ramachandran is a game designer and writer based in Bangalore. He specialises in finding creative ways to justify time and money spent on watching sports, playing games and reading comics as "professional investment". He boasts a batting average of 79.66 with 53 first-class hundreds in various cricket videogames, on platforms as diverse as the Sinclair ZX-Spectrum and modern PCs and consoles.

All Articles »

Anand RamachandranClose
Anand Ramachandran Anand Ramachandran is a game designer and writer based in Bangalore. He specialises in finding creative ways to justify time and money spent on watching sports, playing games and reading comics as "professional investment". He boasts a batting average of 79.66 with 53 first-class hundreds in various cricket videogames, on platforms as diverse as the Sinclair ZX-Spectrum and modern PCs and consoles.
  • ESPN
  • ESPNF1
  • Scrum
  • Soccernet