The Heavy Ball

This, that and the other. Mostly the other

Would you go out with the IPL?

If the world's premier Twenty20 league, the World Cup, and the Test championship were people, they would obviously have online dating profiles. And this is how they would look

Samantha Pendergrast

Comments: 15 | Text size: A | A
R&B singer Akon performs at the closing ceremony, Royal Challengers Bangalore v Deccan Chargers, IPL, final, Johannesburg, May 24, 2009
Is watching this man lip sync your idea of a good time? © Associated Press
Enlarge
Related Links

The IPL

Age: 4 (but I've developed real quick)
Sex: Not much since the after-parties stopped
Location: India, South Africa and a few undisclosed tax-free locations
Profile: While I don't quite put the fun in profundity, I do bring the action in satisfaction for all those who take a chance on me. I'm hotter than the Kardashian sisters rolled into one, easier than Rebecca Black's lyrics, and as insistent on long-term commitment as Gadaffi is on democracy. Some people think my attitude is as revolting as a butt-jiggling contest but I say to them that if it's Beyonce who's doing the jiggling, it's not so bad, is it?
Hobbies: Attending auctions. Participating in hyperbole contests. Retail therapy.
Turn-ons: People richer than me. Ravi Shastri.
Turn-offs: Anti-trust laws.
Looking for: Cricket virgins. If you've always been curious about the game but been too afraid to ask, I'm the one for you. I'll take you on the ride of your life. It'll be a short one and you may not remember it after we're done but it'll be sweet while it lasts.
Ideal first date: A cheerleading class.
Favourite drink: Tequila shot.
Catchphrase: Wham, bam, thank you ma'am

World Cup

Age: 10 (but I look older).
Sex: Once every four years.
Location: Currently India. But even if I move out my heart will always remain there.
Profile: Let's be brutally honest, ladies. I'm the only one who matters. If I'm around, there's nothing else to look at. Even Shahrukh Khan won't release a movie while I hold court. Rajnikanth came to see me. Only a privileged few get to have me. Tendulkar waited 20 years. People say I'm partial to Australians but that's true only because they do their damndest to please me. Having me is a life-changing experience.
Turn-ons: Trips to the subcontinent. Exclusive clubs.
Turn-offs: Minnows. Caribbean vacations.
Ideal first date: A Sonu Nigam concert.
Favourite drink: Champagne.
Looking for: Someone who can help me get trim but without costing me any money.
Catchphrase: The cup that counts. Up to 10.

Test Championship

Age: Yet to be born.
Sex: The sort that doesn't look exciting but is truly satisfying in the end.
Location: England. But I'm open to moving.
Profile: No one knows it yet but once I come into the picture, the world will be a better place. I might appear confusing at first but at least I'm not designed with the idea of favouring India (like some people). And with me you're guaranteed a proper lunch and tea.
Turn-ons: White clothes, freshly cut grass, red balls.
Turn-offs: Tiny attention spans. People who ask, "When is it going to finish?"
Ideal first date: A walk in Regent's Park.
Favourite drink: Pimm's
Looking for: A deep, meaningful, long-lasting relationship.
Catchphrase: White is right.

Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 15 
Posted by dkoralege on (April 20, 2011, 12:34 GMT)

Oh for heaven's sake, jaslog, grasp the difference between a turning pitch and a flat pitch.

Posted by jaslog on (April 19, 2011, 7:18 GMT)

Mr. safwan123 name one english or aussie cricketer who has managed to avg over 55 on so called flat track.If batting on bouncy and seamiing wickets is a cricket then so is playing on spinning wickets.And no body has forced your players to come and play in IPL.And for your information ICC is neva eva going to spread cricket if it starts playing tests only.No body wants to spend 5days watching Mike Atherton bat.If you dont want to watch IPL stick to your counties.

Posted by adil_azeem on (April 19, 2011, 4:00 GMT)

hahahahahahaahah :) very nice .. "Catchphrases" made my tummy hurt :)

Posted by mad_cricinfo on (April 18, 2011, 20:55 GMT)

Ahaahha...Good One! ' A deep, meaningful, long-lasting relationship' - Nice.

Posted by rohitkossery on (April 18, 2011, 17:59 GMT)

i think its really time cricinfo stopped making these jokes about IPL. I dont even watch the thing anymore, but it is getting tiring reading about it everywhere.

@safwan: i'm not a fan of IPL either, but the idea of banning T20 Internationals and ODIs is rubbish. They are not just for entertainment, but truly tests players in a completely different manner to test cricket. So one who is great at one format might be lousy at another, and only a real great can be good at all three. These formats challenge cricketers in a new way and make the sport all the more interesting.

Posted by anant15 on (April 18, 2011, 14:04 GMT)

"Catchphrase: White is right" test championship sounds kinda racist and lacking in flavour

Posted by MitchBriggles on (April 18, 2011, 14:01 GMT)

What about the county championship! Surely she's out and dating...

Posted by safwan_Umair on (April 18, 2011, 13:58 GMT)

IPL could make one puke .... irrelevant cricket meant to make the rich richer. Crass cheapness at its ultimate best! i say ban T-20 and ODI cricket. real cricket is only test matches. that too on sporting tracks. and not flat cement decks where every tom dick and harry can average 55!

Posted by anant_gupta on (April 18, 2011, 13:22 GMT)

good one, but how did they miss T20 World cup?

Posted by Cravillioal on (April 18, 2011, 12:39 GMT)

Really nice article! Enjoyed reading it!

Comments have now been closed for this article

Email this page to a friend Email Feedback Feedback Print Print
More in The Heavy Ball
RSS FeedAll
  • ESPN
  • ESPNF1
  • Scrum
  • Soccernet