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What spot-fixing has taught us (over and over again)

The most overused words in the coverage of the trial

Alan Tyers

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Mazhar Majeed arrives at Southwark Crown Court, London, November 3, 2011
Agent: Man in dark glasses from the Matrix films © Getty Images
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A handy glossary of terms that have entered the cricketing vocabulary since the Pakistan incident

Iceberg: Thing that we have probably only seen tip of, according to every news article about the trial. Also, thing that cricket is heading towards. Also type of lettuce, but this is probably not relevant at this time.

Tentacles: Thing that bookmakers have, as in "their tentacles reach everywhere". It is understood that football World Cup-predicting octopus Paul pioneered the use of tentacles in a bid to fix group games in South Africa 2010.

Bracket: Period during which runs can be scored, or not scored, depending on what the bookmaker has ordered. Seems quite easy concept to grasp. Former chief inspector of Anti-Corruption and Security Unit told court he hadn't heard of the term. It's just amazing that they hadn't caught more people, isn't it?

Toothless tiger: Can be applied to ICC regulation bodies; also will now describe Pakistan bowling attack.

Poacher turned gamekeeper: Mythical figure who is making millions a year as a dodgy bookie but who might suddenly want to take a pay cut of about 10,000% to go and sit in committee rooms with old men from the ICC.

Fake Sheikh: Tabloid hack who managed to accomplish more with a dodgy business card, a hidden camera and a couple of meetings than the entire cricketing establishment in a decade.

Shadowy: Correct prefix for a fixer.

Ice-cream parlour: Place that a man would, obviously, with no dodgy implications whatsoever, give you a wodge of cash to go and visit.

Condon: Former British policeman whose previous hits included being in charge of the Metropolitan Police at the time of the Macpherson Report. Now former head of ICC anti-corruption unit. Reckons his successors should be doing more. Amusing name; especially now that he is Baron Condon.

Got off lightly: Expression that seems to be very easy to bandy about from the safety of columnist's chair; probably doesn't feel that way from a ten-foot cell.

Agent: Man who makes up stories and gets you into trouble with the law.

Player: Person whom you represent who got you into the whole business in the first place.

Brad Pitt: Imaginary friend of agent.

Roger Federer: Bloke who you met round Brad Pitt's house. Keen on setting up an academy for Arsenal Football Club with you.

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Comments: 6 
Posted by Shayz777 on (November 8, 2011, 1:46 GMT)

"Toothless Tiger: also will now describe Pakistan bowling attack." - Very much doubt that mate. Sril Lanka lost Murali and havent won a test series since. Pakistan lost probably the best new bowling attack in the world and haven't lost a test series since. Like Nasser Hussain said once "Pakistan quality fast bowlers seem to be coming off a conveyer belt".

p.s. I don't condone what Butt, Asif and Aamir did but there is no denying that what they had in terms of bowling was raw talent and skill :)

Posted by chuckmeister on (November 7, 2011, 22:44 GMT)

not falling off my chair funny but still pretty funny ...

Posted by LeftBrain on (November 7, 2011, 17:28 GMT)

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. This is what happens when you try too hard to be funny. Boring than Misbah's defensive batting, and atleast Misbah's batting have some meaning and some purpose!!

Posted by natmastak_so-called on (November 7, 2011, 15:55 GMT)

alan, is that really you.you lost 50 rating points for this article.

Posted by   on (November 7, 2011, 10:08 GMT)

LOL. I fell off my chair laughing at this one.

Posted by ian_ghose on (November 7, 2011, 8:03 GMT)

Alan...it was South Africa 2010, Germany 2006 :)

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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