This, that and the other. Mostly the other
|
Fixing? Fixed!
Reporting corruption is a piece of cake with the ECB's new hotline
November 18, 2011
|
|||
|
|
|||
A story by Alison Mitchell in Tuesday's Times revealed that the ECB's anti-corruption unit has not yet had a meeting since it first gathered four months ago, that members have not been contacted since, and that a Corruption Hotline for players to call in the event of a brown paper bag emergency is unmanned - and goes straight to voicemail.
Some might think that a bit of an unimpressive effort. Au contraire: the ECB have got their top people on the case; and they have synergised the following telephonic solution.
Recorded voice: "Hello and welcome to the ECB's anti-corruption hotline. Please hold."
Vivaldi's
This goes on for six minutes.
Recorded voice: "Hello and welcome to the ECB's anti-corruption hotline. To report a no-ball, please press 1. To find the address of your nearest ice-cream parlour, please press 2. If you are a match-fixer and wish to turn yourself in, please press 3. For all other options, please press 9."
The caller presses 9.
Recorded female voice: "Hello and welcome to the ECB's anti-corruption hotline. Please hold."
Vivaldi's Four Seamers (muzak version) plays.
For six minutes.
Caller jabs at buttons in rage.
Recorded voice: "You have selected 1 - reporting a no-ball. If you wish to proceed, please say: 'Howzat?'"
Embarrassed to be saying this aloud while in the queue for the cashpoint, the caller whispers: "Howzat?"
Recorded voice: "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. If you wish to proceed, please say: 'Howzat?'"
This continues for some minutes until the caller is eventually obliged to shout: "HOWZAT??"
Recorded voice: "You have been fined for excessive appealing. Please redial on 0845 555 55555, quoting the reference 0981241jJjjjJjjJ37i12u3jjasJAKSDASK. Remember that this passcode is case sensitive. Calls will be charged at 90p per minute. If you are a match-fixer who wishes to turn himself in, please press three. Please. Please. That's our only hope. Go on. Goodbye."
Check out CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, by Tyers and Beach
Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback
© ESPN EMEA Ltd.
| ||||||
| Comments have now been closed for this article |
||||||
 
Alan Tyers The cricketing career of Alan Tyers is a tantalising story of what might have been. With just a vast amount more luck, application and talent he might have been less awful at cricket. Banned from playing sport on humanitarian grounds, he writes about it for the Wisden Cricketer and Football365.com, as well as working on The Great American Novel and going up the pub |
|
Alan Tyers
The cricketing career of Alan Tyers is a tantalising story of what might have been. With just a vast amount more luck, application and talent he might have been less awful at cricket. Banned from playing sport on humanitarian grounds, he writes about it for the Wisden Cricketer and Football365.com, as well as working on The Great American Novel and going up the pub
Explore Page 2
simply awesome article lolz
Posted byLOL! That's our only hope! Good one!
Posted byhilarious and knee-slapping, until you over did it in the last sentence!!
Posted by Ronsars on (November 18 2011, 08:43 AM GMT)Good one Alex....................................
Posted byhilarious !!! __ such a shame .
Posted by:D
Posted byAwesome..:) ROTFL..:) Too good Alan...