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The secret diary of Monty Panesar

In which the England offspinner prepares for his comeback and for producing some cool vids

Alan Tyers

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Monty Panesar gets kitted out for a boxing session during England's secret bonding camp in Bavaria, Germany, September 26, 2010
"They've told me I'll be the shadow spinner. Better do a few rounds in the ring to practise" © Getty Images
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After a ferocious two-figure bidding war involving some of biggest names in the publishing including What Spinner?, Beard Monthly and Asian Babes, ESPNcricinfo is delighted to announce exclusive serialisation rights to The Secret Made-Up Diary of Monty Panesar.

Here, Monty expresses his delight at his recall to the England Test squad and vows to come roaring back against Pakistan.

Thursday
Apparently they're making the announcement about the squad soon. During the past few weeks I have focused on doing the simple things well: checking the letterbox every morning in case there's a letter, watching Swanny's tweets carefully for any clues, keeping my phone fully charged and in the right areas (i.e. pocket of my favourite cagoule). Like anything, waiting for a phone call is about having a good repeatable routine and focusing on your skill sets.

Friday
My hard work with the phone has paid off: it rang this morning. I've swooped, got hold of it, dropped it and then just grabbed on at the second attempt (all those hours of being shouted at by fielding coach Mr Halsall are finally paying off). Mr Flower gave me the good news about making the squad for the winter, but warned me that we are going to be playing in a soulless, atmosphere-less concrete non-entity in the middle of nowhere. That was confusing: I didn't know we were playing in Luton.

Saturday
I asked Mr Flower how come the Pakistan players, who are Pakistani, got to play their matches in a foreign country. He said why didn't I ask Kevin or Craig or Eoin or Trotty. I never knew they were Pakistani.

Sunday
There'll probably be a lot of media commitments this winter. I heard from a source at the ECB that they're "looking for some video diaries from England's coolest, cult hero spinner". Nice. Question is: what am I going to put in them?

Monday
Had a good message of support from Shane Warne: "Now you can play 40 Tests exactly the same." Fingers crossed! Duncan Fletcher also phoned to say that he would have taken Gilo, but try not to let myself down with the bat if possible.

Bit anxious and couldn't sleep. Practised my interview technique by looking in the mirror as if I was a bit frightened and then saying "good areas" a lot. Fell asleep pretty quickly. Had this weird dream where I was carrying a massive tray with drinks on it and I had to keep catching ice cubes as they fell out of the sky. I dropped them and Jimmy Anderson shouted at me. What could it mean?

RSS FeedCheck out CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, by Tyers and Beach

All quotes and "facts" in this piece are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 6 
Posted by wibblewibble on (December 12, 2011, 19:36 GMT)

Fantastic article, you've obviously been to Luton also :)

WeeBee, Panesar has been picked in case one of the pitches is a real dusty ripper and we want to go with 2 spinners. It might happen, it might not.

Besides, this isn't a tour of the sub-continent, its a tour of the UAE!

Posted by abdulsamad14 on (December 12, 2011, 17:53 GMT)

very funny :) agree with you iBilal, but atleast he cant make inzi fall over the wickets anymore :) Saterday was the best :P

Posted by PiyushD on (December 12, 2011, 13:51 GMT)

India was thrashed in England due to bad bowling, Pakistan has a much better bowling attack, looking forward to low scoring test matches ahead.

Posted by WeeBee on (December 12, 2011, 11:56 GMT)

haha! .. Awesome Article! .. i cant stop laughing. @ Akex Farooque ...well said about full monty. I think He would get a chance but to sit in dressing room , English selectors are scared of Pakistan if Swann did not click they would give a chance to MONTY. This is what English selectors do , for tour of subcontinent they select British Asian players and still they sit on benxhes unless any English player gets any injury or they are out of form.

Posted by iBilal on (December 12, 2011, 10:54 GMT)

hilarious... but to tell u the truth... Monty will run through Pakistan if given a chance... and the reason is that Pakistan has a habit of making a hero out of underdogs

Posted by   on (December 12, 2011, 8:07 GMT)

Poor Monty... I hope they give him a chance to go Full Monty.. Thanx for cracking us up.. Alan

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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